BPDFamily.com

Before meeting my BF, he went through therapy for BPD.  Honestly, I rarely remember that he has it.  Our relationship is still really great after several years.  And so I made a mistake. 

I've been job hunting, and received an offer from a recruiter to try for a very high paying position on the other side of the country.  I briefly considered whether the improvement to our lifestyle would be worth moving for a year or two (I only considered it for a day).  Since he has 2 children from his last marriage I knew he wouldn't be able to move with me.  My plan was that we would see each other regularly (I'd make enough to fly him out), and I'd come back home as soon as possible with a bump up in pay.  I decided that the risks of us growing distant wasn't worth the quicker career path, but he's reacted more strongly then I expected him to.  I think I may have triggered his fear of abandonment, and I could kick myself for bringing this topic up with him before making up my mind. 

So, my question is - what is the best way to let him know that I'm still with him, and that the thought of moving had nothing to do with whether or not I loved him?  I really did just want to bump up our income since it's tough - he has two children and I have one.  The thought of being able to support all 5 of us very well just went to my head for a minute.  We've already talked through it, but I feel like he doesn't believe that I'm not secretly looking for a way out.  I think he feels insecure about us.  I'm just not sure the best way to help him feel happy and secure again.

Thanks for any help / thoughts!

Hi Jennifer1424, 

Welcome aboard.  We are glad you found us. 

It sounds like you are in a real predicament. Do not be hard on yourself though. I have innocuously triggered my pwBPD's abandonment fears. It happens at times and no one is perfect.

Abandonment fears are really intense for people with BPD (pwBPD). Typically "abandonment" equals rejection, worthlessness, the perception that the pwBPD is a "bad or evil" person, and vulnerability. The feelings associated with abandonment range from panic, rage, emptiness, depression, guilt, and helplessness. PwBPD tend to be hypersensitive to emotional stimuli. A good way to assuage his abandonment fears is to validate his feelings. When you validate, you communicate to your significant other that you understand their perspective. Validation makes closeness and support possible. Take a look at this link.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)

It is fantastic that you are having success in your relationship.  |iiii What things in particular have been working for you?

Thank you, that's a great article.  He was diagnosed with BPD during his last marriage, and they went through some very difficult times while he was still working through everything, and before his BPD was in control. 

I actually met him at work and he became a good friend while I was getting out of an extremely abusive marriage.  He taught me how to handle panic attacks without Xanax and how to handle persistent negative memories, and I listened to his fears and success stories.  I had therapy for PTSD, and he has therapy when he has self-worth issues or depression.  We slowly grew closer.  By all rights we should be a mess.  He gets to be strong for me - he helps me through my stuff, and I get to be strong for him.  It doesn't sound like it should work, but it does.  Life is quiet and happy and stable for the most part.  He knows that my biggest goal in life is to have peace.  If something comes up to disrupt that (disagreements that turn angry), I drastically withdraw emotionally because of my past.  I think he works hard to not overreact because he knows it will cause me to overreact (I don't mean to, and I'm working at it).  So we've learned to stay calm when we're talking through tough stuff. 

We've gotten pretty good at it, and in the meantime - he's smart, he makes me laugh, and he's just pretty wonderful in general.   

I know I'm lucky - I got to meet him after he found a therapist he thought was great and after he  became stable.  In fact, since I wasn't stable when we became friends he's actually seen more of my recovery than I saw of his.     

I can tell he's hurt and is trying not to show it.  He might be angry about it too, but has just gotten too good at not showing that to protect me.  I understand both feelings, and I just want 'fix it'.  I feel bad that I've caused this. 

It is fantastic that both of you work on yourselves individually and then help each other.  Staying calm does help.  :) |iiii  Albeit you have some emotional hurdles, your relationship seems quite healthy and stable. That is inspirational and gives people hope. 

I understand how you can feel bad, but really do not be hard on yourself. He seems to be at a very stable place and very understanding of you. Try validating his feelings and reassure him that you are not abandoning him. I have intense abandonment fears myself that have been triggered by my pwBPD and validation/reassurance worked for me.