BPDFamily.com

Ok, my question is this. Does your pwBPD choose not to sleep with you? My husband for some reason chooses to sleep on the couch 95% of the time. I thought this was going to stop when we moved and bought a new bed, He said the bed hurts his back, however he is still doing it. Plus we just bought new furniture  and a new bed! I feel it is just wearing out our new furniture quicker. Every morning when I wake up I have to be quiet so I don't wake him up, because he is sleeping in our living room. It has been like this for a long time I would say 4 years at least. He gets upset if I make too much noise but for goodness sakes, I have to make my lunch, let our dogs out and get dressed. I can't be that quiet and get everything done in a quick manner. The kitchen and living room are in one big space together so it is impossible to be quiet. I also feel a little disconnected from him because he never sleeps with me. I just always thought husbands and wives sleep together, unless there is snoring problem. Also it should be said on Saturdays and Sundays he will wake up when I get up and go lay down in bed.

Any thoughts? I've expressed my feelings of wanting him to sleep with me, he may sleep in the bed one night but go right back to the couch the next day. 

I am the one that chooses to sleep on the couch. It has been 4 years (give or take) since my husband and I have regularly shared a bed.

That is a huge departure from when we were first married. For the first 12 or 13 years, we made it a point to sleep together every night. Somewhere along the way, we got disconnected. I think I moved him out of our room and into his own room after he woke up grumpy and we had an altercation. I refuse to sleep with somebody that is going to behave like that. When I would try to go back to sleeping with him, he would give me the cold shoulder. So I stopped.

Then, I moved us back into the same room together. I don't remember what transpired exactly but I didn't stay sleeping with him for long.

Now, he has been asking me to sleep in the bed with him again. I try on occasion. When I do, I don't sleep well and end up back on the couch.

Does he give a reason for not sleeping with you?

I just stopped sleeping with BPDh a couple weeks ago. I was way too hurt to sleep next to him, after our T session where he pretty much revealed that his view of our marriage is still hugely negative. All this after I was bragging about him, and his behaviors.

I thought he'd eventually moderate his behaviors, and I'd move back into the bedroom. It's not looking like that is going to happen, at least not soon. Why would I move back when he is still not being the least bit kind or respectful?

Oh, I also was married previously for 18 years, and he spent practically our entire marriage couch sleeping. His choice. I hated it, and I'd bet he does it with the person he's with now.

I have not slept in the same bed as my husband in five years.  We have been married almost 33 years and had a very good physical relationship at one time.  But, I increasingly could not deal with his behavior that only changed if he thought sex would happen. 

It was his choice to move out of our bedroom.  He would get furious if I turned him down and couldn't handle it.  He has killed any attraction I have for him by his behavior.  I have told him this and he has nothing to say about it.  He won't discuss this issue or any other issue in our marriage. 

My situation may be different from many here who share separate beds with their BPD spouses.  (Mine isn't BPD, by the way.  I still don't know what he has, but it's something.)  My H and I have NO PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP whatsoever.  It's not the separate bed part that prevents that.  It's his behavior and my refusal to have sex with someone who I would not be around if I didn't have to be. 

BPDw and I had a big fight 2 1/2 years ago. She moved into the former nursery and has refused to move back into the master. Reasons range from the room temperature (no difference) to not wanting to wake me up (I get up first) to sleeping better in the spare bed (she complains about the mattress all the time).

We did not have sex for well over a year, though that streak was recently broke. She initiated it both times, talks non-stop about how good it was and flirts with me more than she has in years. Yet, she still wants separate bedrooms so it cannot happen again because she does not want to have sex anymore. If  you can figure that out you will get the Nobel Prize in Mental Health. 

I feel separate bedrooms has negatively affected our chances of ever healing our marriage. There is a closeness and intimacy which has been lost.

 

My wife and I have been back together in same bed for several months now.

We were never "officially" apart but she would go sleep in other rooms... .and that was generally and indicator that "something" was up that she was ruminating about.

Once I stopped reacting... .that helped... .

There was one time that she said something about "moving back" into the bedroom... .I looked at her incredulously... .and said I wasn't aware she had moved out.  Asked if she could help me understand how I missed that... .

She huffed... stomped off... .and I guess realized there would be no more reactions after that.

I definitely like sleeping in same bed with her... .and believe that gives lots more chances for closeness.

FF

 

For those on here that choose to sleep on the couch... .how do you feel about others in house being loud.  What I'm asking... .is if other people come into kitchen and living room... and do normal things... .do you get mad... .or can you sleep through it.

For the nons whose spouses sleep on couch.  Ever tried ignoring it... .and doing normal things at normal sound levels. 

My thinking is... .bedrooms are quiet... .and for sleeping.  Living rooms are for... .living.  So... if one chooses to be out there... .they shouldn't be shocked at noise.

Thoughts?

FF

We had a few weeks where I slept in another room (voluntarily) on most nights - for my own safety and assurance of a good nights sleep.  I have at times thought the only way for our r/s to survive is for us to have separate rooms.  I'm thinking about getting a fold out bed for the spare room (small house, one bedroom, the other two bedrooms are used for other things).  Purpose here would be so that it is easy for me to enforce a boundary, because her abuse/screaming usually occurs at bedtime. 

It doesn't bother me. My husband isn't a loud person that bangs stuff around. Even when we slept in the same bedroom on a regular basis, he would lay his clothes out the night before so he didn't have to look for them in the morning. And, he kept a small flashlight on his night stand so he could look for things without turning on the light and waking me up.

My kids tend to be pretty considerate too. Every now and then they will wake up before me and need something. They would wake me up for that no matter where I slept.

 

Max,

Might want to consider a futon... .rather than fold out. 

FF

Yes, we sleep together.

A few times she wanted to sleep in a different bedroom and I said matter of fact: "OK with me if you want to spend the night alone. I will go somewhere else" (she freaked out and we ended up sleeping together).

Other times she explained she needed to be on her own (separate bed) because her head was cloudy, and if I wouldn't mind if she joined me (in our bed) in the morning. I said "YES, no problem". (we slept on separate beds and then she joined me in the morning) 

A couple of facts:

-Her parents sleep in different bedrooms (sometimes different apartments). They are textbook BPD+NPD couple.

-Her past r/s with his ex... .they started sleeping in different bedrooms (after 2 years).

My wife doesn't sleep with me. She normally comes to bed with me, and then gets up and goes into the spare bedroom. She's very concerned about the court of public opinion, so she is very keen for me to know it's not because she wants to sleep in another room; it's because the temperature of our bedroom doesn't work for her. I think it's too hot. I forget. But funnily enough, our bedroom in our last house was, also. So she still used to sleep in another room.

I am not sure of the real reason. We don't really have a sex life, but I don't think it's an avoidance thing, because she has no issue with telling me to get off her if I make an advance.

With my wife, I think it's part of her (unconscious) long standing campaign to undermine the intimacy and trust in our relationship. Part of the BPD abandonment-thing, where she's keeping emotional distance to prepare herself for when I give up on her.

But, who really knows?

Thanks for all the replies. I do have to say that things have been pretty good with me and my husband lately. I guess I thought if things got better this would stop and he would sleep with me on a regular basis. He did sleep with me on Saturday, Which I appreciated because I got up several hours before he did. We also have sex on a regular basis, probably more that I would like to just because I have been of out of sorts lately.

My Dad would always sleep on the couch when I was growing up. At first it started when they would get into a huge argument, but after things calmed down it would stop, then it just kept happening and never went back to them sleeping together. They slept in separate beds till the day my Dad died. I always told my husband I hated that they did that and I didn't want that from us. Been Married 9 years now and he's been doing this for 4 years.

yes for the most part we sleep in the same king size bed. I have found myself moving as far to my side as possible. It seems to be just a formality sleeping in the same bed. We have not had had sex in 2 years 4 months. I am almost tempted to have my own room.

Should I be on this staying board? I am to the point where I know what to do to deal with all the stuff with BPD. This does not lift the fact that there is usually a constant tension in the home because a boundary has been enforced. I am not emotionally built to deal with that tension. I am trying really hard to keep my end of the vows.

I don't want to discourage anyone on this board... .I am trying to find the silver lining in this marriage. We are just roommates. Sad.

 

what is the boundary that was enforced?

@FF

not putting up with being called names. Walking away from it. If I deserve to be called something I will take it like a man. Being around her and her son who is 30 who she has serious enmeshment issues with because of his condition, if I say something to him that's not to her liking she turns on me. Like last night she told me I always come across as an ass (which I do not). Not to draw this out but to make a long story short her son had to use the bathroom so he went to walk into our bathroom (we were all talking in our bedroom). I said dude don't stink our bathroom up go to your bathroom across the hall or the one in your room. She went into defending him and called me an ass and then told me to get the hell out of the room. I Gladly left the room. He did go use the other bathroom. We were all reading something together when he announced he had to take a poop.

I went into the living room and sat in silence for a few minutes just thinking. No arguing happened the rest of the night but we didn't speak either.

I did hear him call me a name so I walked in and said did I over hear you call me a turd? Cause I didn't want him using my bathroom to do his business.

I told her the other day that she has serious enmeshment issues with her son... .that is for another post

My unBPDhusb hasn't slept w/me in 8 months. Maybe, ten nights out of the last 8 months and that's a generous estimate.

Basically, his non-verbal/behavioral/sometimes verbal message is: "I will sleep with you when I get sex." He basically told me if I want him to sleep with me every night, I must have sex every night. Gee. Sounds more like a purchase agreement, to me.

So, he sleeps sometimes on the couch. Sometimes in the guest room. I agree with  FF, not reacting helps a lot. Now he's working an opposite shift from me, so we only see each other two half-days per week, which is nice. I get a lot of time to myself to do what I want without all the intentional antagonism that comes with pwBPD.

Before the shift change, he would sleep on the couch or guest room, and expect me to be quiet in my living/waking hours, b/c he also did not go to sleep until a few hours before I would awaken. This is just another control measure they are up to. Again, not reacting to that is helpful.

Take care of you.

Why does it seem like a pattern that BPDh or w don't share the bed with their spouse? At one point my BPDh slept on the floor and refused to share the bed with me. I finally got him to move back to our room but now that we are separated things doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I'm surprised just how similar our cases are. H mentioned it more than once that he wishes to meet people who have the same suffering.

Is that even a good idea?

I was the one who started sleeping separately because my husband's alcohol and prescription drug use would cause him to snore loudly. He's get irritated when I would ask him to roll over just so I could fall asleep. Also he tends to be a night owl, while I prefer going to bed around ten-ish.

Now if he does sleep with me, he often leaves before morning and sleeps in his studio. Either the cat has taken up too much room on the king size bed or there's too much noise from a fan running or something.

It's been 5 1/2 years since I slept in the same bed as my wife.  Looking back over the last 17 years (married for 23) I can see how at our 7 year mark, she changed drastically and she began sleeping on the couch off and on.  She claimed the mattress hurt her back and a variety of other reasons.

Also, we have never slept in the same bed together on vacation.

I don't know that we have even had sex together on a vacation.

I just get very sick of getting the finger pointed at me. Yesterday I supposedly slammed the door and it woke him up. Today one of the dogs was making a lot of noise and barking in her kennel that is kept in the living room so I thought I would be nice and allow her to stay outside so she wouldn't wake him up and so she wouldn't be stuck in a kennel till he woke up. Nope, wrong move, apparently that makes me a b___ somehow   

Quote from Cat Familiar:

I was the one who started sleeping separately because my husband's alcohol and prescription drug use would cause him to snore loudly.

My post got cut off; somehow I hit 'send' before finishing it.  I was going to say that I have the same situation as 'Cat Familiar'; my husband snores (for the same reasons) and gets irritated when I ask him to roll over.  He is retired and I still work so I need my sleep.  I do whatever it takes to keep from irritating him knowingly, since I am all too often surprised by irritating him unknowingly!

This certainly sounds familiar.  My husband has slammed more doors to show his disgust with me "bothering him" than I could ever count.  I am as quiet as I know how to be, but if the dog barks even once or if I run the water in the kitchen, which is as far from the room where he sleeps as it can be in our house, he gets up and slams his door.  Funny how he can't hear it thunder but can hear me washing a skillet clear across the house and come unglued.  

I finally put a boundary in place over this a year ago--or so I thought.  I wrote him an e-mail and told him this was no longer acceptable. He has done this for over 30 years and I was done with it.  I explained that I had never intentionally tried to bother him, that I was very careful not to because I know how he will act.  He never said a word to me about the e-mail. In fact, he didn't speak to me for three days after he received it. For the most part, he stopped this behavior.

But, a few months ago he pulled the same crap.  I did not let it go.  I went into his room, turned on the light, and told him he was behaving like a two-year old and to stop it.  The rage in his voice was unreal.  I then told him he was an a--hole, and he screamed "No! YOU are!"  


Cloudy Days, I know just how you feel.  My husband's negativity and anger are why I don't sleep with him, have sex with him (five years and counting), or interract with him unless necessary.    I've tried discussing our issues, suggested counseling, written him letters, etc...   He just walks away.  He wants to be angry jerk so I let him.  But I don't tolerate slamming doors anymore.  The next time he does it I will do the same thing, maybe minus calling him a name.  That's not like me at all, but I  couldn't help myself. 

Hi Folks,

I post mostly on the Leaving Board as the relationship with my BPDexgf is now over, my choice. I certainly don't have the years of experience with a pwBPD that many of you do, God Bless Y'all. I am always humbled when I read on this board.

I have a question which relates to the topic of this thread as I am still trying to understand the BPD complex. I see the words "intimacy" and "closeness" coming up in several of the post on this thread. When separate sleeping arrangements are iniated by the pwBPD, is this perhaps the pwBPD's attempt/tactic to avoid engulfment by avoiding intimacy/closeness altogether (regardless of the excuse(s) given)? 

My BPDexgf told me that she stopped sleeping in the same bed with her (then) husband at the time at the one year mark; they were married eight years. She had been divorced from him for five years before we met. There is no doubt in my mind that if we'd have stayed together long enough (eight month relationship) she too would have abandoned our bed.

I have always wondered if not sleeping with me was a way to keep intimacy and closeness to a minimum. I guess we are going to try and take our mattress pad off of the bed to see if it bothers his back without it. He says it's a marshmallow bed as it is now. I had to deal with him on Sunday, because I woke him up. I had been up for an hour and finally went and made breakfast because it was 10:30 and I wasn't waiting any longer. I got a earful for waking him up again. At least he is going to try something, the bed will be too hard for me though, can't seem to win.

I guess we are going to try and take our mattress pad off of the bed to see if it bothers his back without it. He says it's a marshmallow bed as it is now... .At least he is going to try something, the bed will be too hard for me though, can't seem to win.

Hi Cloudy Days (I hope there is sunshine in the forecast for you!),

Hopefully it is just a bed issue and not an intimacy issue. If it's the bed, time to go bed shopping to get something that y'all both can live with. If you can't find a conventional mattress set that's adequate for you both, there are the inflatable beds that can be adjusted per individual side.

My BPDexgf had serious intimacy/engulfment issues. If we had sex, no intimacy, she was fine. If we had intimacy, with or without sex, I was raged at the next day. You could set the clock by it. These were the only times that she raged at me. I think that this is why a lot of people with BPD eventually abandon the bedroom.

Haha, well we just bought a new bed, he had the same excuses for the old bed. I was thinking I can cut the mattress pad in half. May look a little funny but we could both sleep good. I have slept in one of those sleep number beds, they are awful, anytime the other person moves the whole bed goes up and down, it's about as bad as a water bed.

We have issues with intimacy too, sometimes we can get done having sex, I could think it was great and he will start crap with me. It's total mind games to me. For awhile I didn't even want to have sex because of what happened after the fact. I think he has gotten over that but just on Saturday we sat down and talked for a really, really long time. I was a bit tipsy and gave him a kiss. The next morning he totally went off on me because I never kiss him when I am sober. My genius response was he doesn't kiss me ever so where does that put me? I was at peace about the night before.