BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, new here.  I'm 40 my ex is 38 we have known each other since High School and recently started a relationship 3 months ago.  She just suddenly out of the blue told me she couldnt have a normal relationship 3 days before a vacation we had planned and ended it.  Just went to pick my things up and she cried hysterically and told me she was just sad inside and that she is no good and I deserve better, of course I tried to comfort her and she sobbed on my shoulder but then as I'm leaving it was like she was right back to her normal self I mean no sadness in her eyes over the break-up at all.  I also have a key to her place and she still hasnt asked for it back and its been over a week, what does that mean?  I really devastated over this as we were so close and really I'm just confused as to why she would push away someone she trusted and dare I say loved.

Hello spr420,

I'm really sorry that this has happened between you and your gf. Can I welcome you to bpdfamily and start by saying that what you describe in your post will be something that many members here will be able to relate to. I understand why what has happened would leave you feeling so devastated, I don't doubt you will be struggling to make sense of it all.

What brought you to this site in particular, do you believe that your gf presents with behaviours described on here. Certainly what you outline in your post can be typical of many SO's on here who become overwhelmed by close relationships and displays of intimacy, and feel the need to 'run away' sometimes emotionally, and other times quite literally because of behaviours associated with BPD.

I don't know what you still havng the key might mean, has there been any contact between you in the last week, you are posting on the Staying board, do you want to see if you can salvage the relationship/friendship?

There is plenty to learn, read and comment on by joining this forum. It is safe place that is supportive and informative.

Here is a link to get you started https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

Please keep posting and let us know what is happenng so that we can support you through this.

Hi spr420, 

I would like to join sweetheart and welcome you.

I am sorry that you are going through this.    It is very confusing and painful when someone that we love suddenly pushes us away and ends a relationship.

My person with BPD (pwBPD) has said something very similar to what your ex said. He told me that he is a horrible person and always have been that way and I deserve the best and he is not the best.

PwBPD tend to have an enormous amount of shame. Behaviorally, people who have an enormous amount of withdrawal, hide, disappear, avoid, and disguise their behavior/characteristics. PwBPD have problems regulating their emotions. When a feeling of shame is experienced, it is extremely painful for the BPD sufferer, because pwBPD are hypersensitive vulnerable to emotional stimuli. The experience of emotions has been described by Marsha Linehan (founder of DBT and former BPD sufferer) as,  “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement." To thwart the physical and emotional pain associated with shame, a pwBPD will engage in maladaptive coping strategies, such as avoidance or pushing the partner away.

Shame is related to the stability of  self-image and self-loathing. Self-loathing is related to self-directed anger, self-punishment, self-disgust, and self-repulsion. PwBPD who hate themselves will self-sabotage and engage in self-destructive behavior.  One of the core features of BPD is fear of abandonment. A pwBPD who has an incredible amount of self-loathing will destroy a relationship and ultimately become a self-fulfilling prophecy of one of the things that they truly fear.  They will push you away because they do not want to hurt you further, they think that you will eventually abandon or reject them, so they leave you first, and they do not want you to see the "monster inside of them." 

Have you spoken with her since she ended it?