BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I stumbled across this site while looking for advice on how to deal with what's happening in my relationship.

Brief overview of my situation -

My wife displays many of the symptoms of BPD, and has physically attacked me on about 4 occasions. I am a bit disabled (although it doesn't affect my day to day life) but this doesn't really impact our relationship.

There have been a couple of incidents recently that have brought me to this point.

I have been looking to progress my career and have been invited to an interview. My wife doesn't drive anymore as she started to suffer panic attacks so I have to take her to work.

The new job is in a different town so this will impact on me dropping her off and picking her up.

This lead to her loosing it as she does , and going through the usual process of threatening divorce and saying I'm useless etc etc.

I want the job but worry that this may make her mood/situation worse.

I want to tKe the heat out of the situation and try to show her that this is the best thing for our family. She has a son fom previous relationship but I have been in his life from when he was very small. We have a great relationship and he is also aware of mums mood swings.

Any advice on how best to approach this would be very welcome.

She also has massive issues with Dr's and dentists so getting her to talk to a professional is not an option right now.

Thanks

Hi Skinnydog,

welcome to the forums.

being here on bpdfamily has been a great help to me.   I've learned a lot and while it's taken some time, my relationship has gotten much better.

Probably the best place to start is over on the right hand side of the page under THE LESSONS

is a link called Tools: communication validation and reinforcement of good behavior

taking the heat out of the situation is a really good goal.  probably the best one you could have.  validation will help do that.  as you probably already know pwBPD (people with borderline personality disorder) process information differently than you and I do.    It does take a different skill set to communicate successfully.   validation and SET are skills that can be learned, and practiced here.

keep coming and keep posting.   writing has a way of clarifying our thoughts.

ducks

Hi Skinnydog,

welcome to the board. From what you wrote your wife is struggling big time and the situation is getting worse  . Whether she suffers from BPD or not who knows but from what you write there seems to be a significant anxiety problem (not uncommon with BPD but can be a problem by itself too).

You wonder what to do. First thing you probably have to learn (btw. work through the LESSONS post at the top) is to stop making matters worse. A natural thing to do when faced with unreasonably anxiety is to invalidate the person displaying it - we try to talk them up, we try to make them see reason and we try to ignore the fear. This all is invalidating and feeds the out of control fear. The best thing would be to validate the fear - showing that we get it that there is real fear. Not lying, not belittling - just truly listening and showing that we hear. This can help quite a bit regulating the emotion and with more regulated emotions people become more rationale. This post (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0) may help you better understanding emotional regulation.

*welcome* to the board,

a0

Hi Skinnydog, it's been a few days since your post and by now you have possibly already had that job interview.  I just wanted to encourage you to go for it, as it sounds like a healthy move forward on your part.  If you let your wife's issues keep you from even trying, you may always regret it and may become resentful of her.  This would help neither of you.  With 20-20 hindsight to a degree, I see that we should not allow ourselves to be cut off from satisfying and healthy activities and relationships.  A job you might find rewarding falls into this category, IMHO.

Hi all,

Thanks for the advice - I have read through loads of posts and the Lessons sticky post and this has helped no end, a big thanks you is in order THANK YOU

  Skinnydog,

and many thanks for letting us and everyone else know  |iiii. We are strongly encouraging everyone to work through the LESSONS and also to revisit them at times. I feel like I have written LESSONS a thousand times and maybe I have. There is a certain general structure / roadmap in them that helps stabilizing and then improving. There are plenty of silent, or almost silent listeners (like you  :) ) who are working through them and benefit simply from reading and then DOING. Nothing changes if we don't change and we are 100% in control of that side.

There are people who are able and content to work through their changes alone. Still even then it helps to write things down - consider a journal - writing is structuring thoughts. And it important to have an outside perspective (therapist, confidant or well, this board   ) - in a relationship with a pwBPD we are exposed to strong emotions and often significant distortions.

Let us know about your progress at times,

a0