BPDFamily.com

Informal Survey:

How long since your Break up?   mine is 3 days

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  Same

I ask because a divorced friend told me that his bad feelings from his b/u with possible-BPD wife did not really ever leave him, they just diminished and then he eventually found another partner and that sealed the closure, that was 1.5 years. 

My conversation with him got me to thinking that maybe I am mentally holding the recovery process in the wrong way.  This will not be like getting over a bad cold where one morning you wake up and realize that you are starting to feel better.  But may be more like a dulling of pain over time?

How long since your Break up?    6 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  Better

The death throws of the relationship ending lasted about 3 months for me. I'm not saddened by the breakup anymore, just bothered by some of the things that have happened since. Most days, I am not that bothered. But I do have bad ones still.

This might be my lonely child speaking, but I certainly feel that understanding the disorder and accepting our pwBPD for who they really are is a key to closure. I think that when we gain that understanding, we fully have the opportunity to explore our own deep wounds and discover what drew us to them and kept us there. I don't think that we should have to find a new relationship to find closure. That just seems like filling a hole with dirt from someone else's pile to me.

1.5 months.

And I feel about the same. I do now know she knows exactly how to hurt me, so at this point I am more scarred of her than anything.

How long since your Break up?    3 years

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  Like new  |iiii  |iiii  |iiii

About 5 days. I feel better in the sense that my anxiety is down, im still really hurt though.

How long since your Break up?  1 year

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Much better

I'm in the process of moving out of the home we shared and I'm digging into some painful stuff with my T (that has nothing to do with my ex), so... .lots of stuff going on, lots of changes, sometimes I feel wobbly but overall doing pretty well.

As time passes I'm accepting - really accepting - that her chaotic, dysregulated reactions to the problems we were having in our r/s are wholly a reflection of her and her internal chaos. I'm finally separating her stuff from mine. It took me a while to get here.

It's been a little over a year since my split with ex-wife. Most of time I feel liberated and relieved that an abusive partner is out of my life. Although these last couple of months I've had some tough moments. I know now she's still with OM. It angers me and I feel frustrated their relationship has gone on as long as it has.

I heard from friends that OM has been excepted into her family. And this angers me to no end. Her family never once contacted me after the split. And now, they've allowed their daughter to replace me. I should've known since they're all rugs sweepers and enablers. But it still shocks me and upsets me to know this.

I feel a bit stuck and back in the angry stage. I know they're still in a relationships and it bothers me. I should be happy she's now someone else's problem. But it seems that I'm stuck on feeling as though I need justice for what she's done to our marriage.

It sucks to know there will be no closure, no reconciliation, no guilt, no regret or suffering on her part. It seems as though she's just moved on. Forgotten about me, replaced me and is now happy as she's ever been. So she says. This loser now lives in the cabin that I built. Once homeless, now living in luxury on my expense and hard work.

I've never wished ill to anyone up until this point in my life. 



   

How long since your Break up?   ~50 days

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  Much better, still have bad days where it feels like day 1, but they are few compared to the good ones.

I didn't think the pain of ending things with my best friend & fiancee (8 years) was ever going to subside. Thanks to everyone here as well as the workshops and books, I know I'm recovering! Recover is not linear, today for example I ended up posting on the staying board and have been contemplating if a friendship is at all possible.

Thanks all!

I'm at one month.

Feeling great, better and better.

She is still doing her best to get an emotional reaction from me... .sending pics and emails regularly still, but I'm able to ignore them. I've begun exploring other possible relationships. Moving slower than ever and noticing the subtleties more than ever of my own behavior, my natural instinct to want to be a caregiver... .as well as the females' behaviors in our interactions. Their needs. What seems to be driving behaviors... .I used to think I had good self awareness... Ha! This has been an education.  There will be good that comes out of this.

Onwards and upwards

None of that is true. It's what you're telling yourself. I've struggled with telling myself those kinds of stories, too - but I've stopped. I need to have compassion for myself, not beat myself up over with "comparison" stories ("she's doing great, I'm a chump" that aren't even true.

How long since your Break up?    2 months since last exwBPD and 1 and a half years from my other exwBPD.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  

Much better in both cases. The most recent I'm so glad it's over and will continue to keep NC.

The 1 and a half year long break up... .i'm over the complete devastation I felt after the break up but a part of me still hopes there is a future together... .as much as I hate to admit that. It doesn't prevent me from moving on with my life however.

How long since your Break up?  Almost 2 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  I'd say a little better. It's a slow and, as rotiroti said, not linear process.

The confusion is slowly wearing off. I have the BPD knowledge and this board that help tremendously. I still have lots of moments where it's just consuming pain, sadness, rumination, anger. They are triggered by memories of the ''good sides'' of my exBPDbf, but mostly the grieving of the Relationship, the us. Boy did I fall for the soulmate, love of my life thing    I'm getting better at seeing my exBPDbf as a whole, disorder and chaos included.

I'm having a hard time forgiving myself going NC sometimes... .still questioning that I went NC without having told him, just ignoring his calls and texts. I have a hard time coming to terms with ignoring someone that I loved and who’s reaching out to me. I’m still having moments where I feel the urge to write him one last letter, to let him know that I truly loved him and that I was true and sincere. But I know my truth and yet, I've shown him all of this, love, care and support, throughout the r/s, and it did not alter the inevitable progression of the disorder, so what good would it do to any of us now... .NC feels like my protection wall and I don't want to break it.

I believe knowledge of the reality of BPD, self awareness of the reasons why I fell for it and TIME are my best friends. Compassion - for my exBPDbf and for myself - is my goal. No idea if and when I’ll get there.

I hear you jhybuzz. Thanks for the support. I know that I don't have all the facts. It's just that my mind wants to fill in the blank spaces. When you go NC, it means there are so many questions that go unanswered. Regretfully, my mind wants to think the worst. I have no idea whether my ex-wife is truly happy or not. I only have some hurtful letters she's sent saying how happy and in love she is. Of course I never answered those letters or inquired about the facts of her life.

I'm doing my best to move beyond this phase. But for some reason, I've landed here after such a huge leap in a positive direction. Proves healing is not by any means linear.

It's almost like, when I make a positive stride in a healthy direction, it triggers my fear that she'll get away with what she's done with no consequences.   

Thanks Yolanda, I was actually struggling with having gone n/c without telling the partner, but you are absolutely right. It's what works for us. I am learning so much from this experience, one being that it's okay to take care of ourselves.

its been right at year since the break up and almost 11 months NC. I feel 100 percent better. I sleep better, Im not a nervous wreck, im financily secure again. It was very hard work and it was a struglle to reach this point. She didnt make it any easier but constantly contacting. her contact would alternate from being sorry and almost begging for me to come to a few days later calling me everything but the lowest thing on the face of the earth.  BUt NC was one of the hardest things I ever had do. How could it be easy to close the door on someone you loved so much. I still have days where I miss her and long for the good times, but I have to remind myself Im in love with the illusion of her and our relationship and that gets me by. Im not sure if you ever really get over them completely but what I had to decide was if was worth my health and enjoying my life to love someone who could not or would not love me the way I deserve. I gave it 3 years and after 3 years and countless break ups she never would.

How long since your Break up?  14 months since she left.  11 months since she asked for a divorce.  Three months since the divorce was finalized.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Like I'm 22 again.

It was an up and down year with plenty of setbacks, but physically and psychologically I am beginning to feel as if the damage of the last decade is fading away.  There's always more work to be done, but if feels good for a change.

I understand all of that, for sure. Steps forward, steps back... .been there, done that.

But you said that "my mind wants to fill in the blank spaces" - why not fill them in with positive stuff?

You have letters saying how happy and in love she is... .but really, who would do that? Not someone who was truly happy and in love, that's for sure. They'd be too busy moving forward with life; they wouldn't need to turn back to take a parting shot, yanno?

Think about how you want to write the story of your life. It's yours to write. You get to create the meaning.

How long since your Break up?   2 years

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  I feel awesome!

My path was remaining single, placing my focus on myself, exploring and working through my issues, and doing things that increased my self-worth. I'm happy again.

Since b/u - 9 months

Since last meeting - 6 1/2 months

How do I feel? Its hard to say. I'm shocked at how things went but I'm excited to see what life has in store for me.

How long since your Break up?  9 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? 10,000 better

I moved a few hundred miles away from her about 3 months later as she was constantly turning up at the house ranting and raging. She tried to use her son as leverage as well.

I disappeared overnight and had to start gossip in the village we were living in to get her off my trail.

I have now been settled close to 4 months, the FB stalking continues, and in the last few months after blocking her number I have been getting new voicemails and no missed calls, this is about twice a week.

She is now back on OK Cupid her hunting ground so to speak - which is my main concern as she has now recycled those that she could and has run out of her supply - which means that she will ultimately turn up at my door unless she gets a distraction.

In myself I am now a v2 of myself, I am healthier, happier, mentally and psychologically in a great place. This time last I could not work at all as she had near enough destroyed me - now I am in a management role in a male dominated industry running teams of 10 plus guys. My earnings have doubled from last year.

I also cycle 30-40 miles most days, dropped 4 jean sizes, lost about 4 stone and raise a lot of money for charities so I can give something back.

I am in a much better state of mind, so much more aware of people, red flags etc things that I would have written off before I now stand back and take notice.

It has been a very tough learning curve, but I have come away a much much better person.

How long since your Break up?  14 months since I walked away from the relationship.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? It must be better - I had to count the months just then because I wasn't sure how long it had been exactly. That's a sign, right? In truth, I know that overall I am much much better. Much better. I don't sob every day. I think there are *some* days when I don't still think of him, but when I do it tends to be without much emotion. It's more a case of "oh, that happened", rather than an emotional engagement with the thoughts. At the moment though I'm coming off SSRIs and suffering withdrawal. That combined with seeing a picture of him with his gf has catapulted me back to the bad old days. The thing is though, I know the healing over the last year did take place, so I'll move on from this pretty swiftly. Life is good - better without him. I'm in an adult, grown up relationship, I'm financially more secure, emotionally more settled. Yes, sometimes I still crave him, but those times are few and far between and I'm much more in control now.

How long? 7 months

How do I feel? A lot better. I still have some good and bad days. Things can trigger me as well. But for the most part I am moving on. I think over time I realized that one element of the relationship was good, her beauty, and the rest was bad. Her looks will eventually fade and she will be completely miserable. i, on the other hand, will meet the right person and have a happy life.

didn't have time to write more yesterday, so... .

looking back, one of the most gut-wrenching, 'impossibly' difficult realities was that it was basically ALL a lie... .

radically accepting that everything said and done was to some degree done and said exactly as it was before with others before me was a TOUGH pill to swallow... .

I mean, we spend SOO much time in the aftermath wondering how 'special' we were in terms of the electricity of the honeymoon phase, as well as our 'one-in-a-lifetime' special connections, that coming to terms with the complete opposite is SOO hard... .

realizing this, and that the disorder exists with or without us is a crucial stepping stone in creating the complete detachment from them... .it's from here that we can finally see our part in this dysfunctional dance, and all of the other dysfunctional dances in our histories... .we can finally heal and grow  |iiii

How long since your Break up?    a little over 2mo

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? I feel sexy  

Like most of you on here I still think about my ex... .otherwise I wouldn't be posting. The more time that passes the better it gets. The big key for me has been "putting on the makeup" getting out with friends and socializing. I feel attractive again.  Sitting at home moping, well we need that at the beginning but one day you just need to put on your "fancypants" and venture out again. I have been putting myself in social settings where there are a lot of people around.  It's hard to be sad when you HAVE to engage in conversation. That is what has helped me the most. Also, during this I've realized I was trying to hold on to something (my ex) that was only hurting me. How was she supposed to make me happy when she was the unhappiest person I know?

It sucks to be rejected, especially when they grab the first person out there as a replacement, but in the process I learned I REJECTED MY NEEDS.

And that sucks even more.  

Say no to "self rejection"!  

Its been 20 hours

I'm feeling HORRIBLE and I'm constantly fighting myself from breaking NC. I doing a double think on EVERYTHING about us.

It was a short time together... .but it felt real, it felt comfortable, it felt good... .until I felt that I wasn't being Heard, my feelings were not worth caring about... .I was beginning to feel that she couldn't SEE me on an emotional level... .like an individual... with needs of my own... AND THATS WHY I COULD NOT CONTINUE.

But I sit here, feeling like I threw away someone I enjoyed being with and that enjoyed being with me. How sick and twisted is that? I feel like perhaps *I'm* the one with a personality disorder. But then I think, if it were possible... .that I am WILLING and ABLE to talk about our relationship, but what prevents me from opening up... is the fact that I know I won't be heard. That I will be blamed. ... leaving me to feel worse... .and beating myself up for it, because I didn't listen to my OWN SELF. That voice inside me that tells me what's going on... .that tells me what happened. That tells me what's real.

Ya know, Im new here... .but not new to what BPD is. It feels somewhat assuaging to write like this about it. Thanks for this post. Thanks for reading this too.

I totally agree with you antelope. I know that for me, acceptance of the BPD reality, versus the relationship I thought I had, is key to my detaching and healing. Every day I feel I’m letting go a little more of that aspect. With some setbacks along the road obviously…

How long since your Break up?  6 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? Better

Time is indeed a great healer - though I was relieved rather than devastated when we split. I'm still in LC but have no urge to meet up with her - nor any feeling of terror if that should actually happen. Focusing constructively on doing stuff with my son has helped, plus the fact that my default position has always been to be on my own rather than seek a relationship. My ex is not doing so well - off work with stress and looking nothing like the 'so together' woman I fell for almost 2 years ago. 

Could I date another borderline? Sure - if she looked as fine as my ex.

Would I hang around if it all started falling apart again? No way - I simply don't have the patience for that sh*t anymore. 

Fanny

I'm a year and nearly three months out. Without putting any finer detail on it I am in a much better place. Less angry but not ready to forgive. I doubt I ever will. It's not something I ever did very easily. At the same time I have an acceptance of the nature of the disorder and that she most likely won't change and I'm OK with that. Wherever she is now and who with is not my problem anymore.

Mr Hollande, you and I are on a similar time-line, I think. I too am less angry, but I'm far more emotional about the whole thing and wish I could resolve it all. I'd like to be where you are with it. One day  |iiii

Almost two years since he left and a year NC.  Life is good and I am mostly happy.  I am relaxed and healthier than I have been in years.  I feel positive most of the time.  Occasionally I get a bit lonely and start to see the past through rose coloured lens.  Then I face reality again and remember that he was a complete disappointment and caused me so many problems.

I think I would be even better if I didn't have constant reminders of him.  I see him around a couple of times a week and if I have a night out, chances are I will see him and the replacement.  Also, I know lots of people that know him and they seem to love to mention him.  Without this I think I would find it easier to stop thinking of him, which is a problem to me.

How long has it been since the break up? On October 2nd it will be three years... .yikes!   :)

How do I feel now?  Finally let go of the anger. I'll never forgive him for what he did - but life is much better these days. For me, anyway. The ex? Not so much... .

His physical issues are catching up to him. One of his two best friends is very ill and isn't improving. He hates his job. Spends most of his time on Facebook posting worthless garbage. Has no hobbies or true interests. He has no sex life as the spouse cut him off years ago. And he still keeps tabs on me. I'm sure he's figured out that my life has been improving in so many ways since I was discarded. And it is infinitely better than his!  I know he's aware of it.

I guess that cliche about "Living Well is the Best Revenge" really rings true in my case. He would NEVER admit to anyone that he made a mistake by dumping me. Thus the need to create this image of a perfect life & marriage on Facebook. But I've seen cracks in the armor. I know that he's a phony. That what he posts on social media is just "image crafting". And the beauty of it is... .I no longer care! I just wish it hadn't taken me this long to get over him! 

Informal Survey:

How long since your Break up?   One year

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  Stronger, better, faster


A year ago I was a total wreck.  I went from engaged and planning a wedding to being told "I hate you!"  I couldn't sleep more than two hours a night for two months.  Those few hours were filled with nightmares.  About 6 weeks into that I went and spoke with a therapist.  It really helped.  Talking it through with a rational mind helped me realize that I had survived an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship.  I was able to look at my own Family of Origin and look at my own issues that kept me in such a toxic r/s.  I joined a gym near my house and lost myself in exercise.  The feel good chemical released from it helped me make it out of the fog a little faster.  It also helped me to get in shape and  rebuild my absolutely shattered self confidence.  I look back on it as a really good learning experience.  It hurt more than anything in my life but all that pain was an opportunity to learn about myself.  It wasn't easy.  It took me over 6 months to start to let go and move on with my life.

I stayed away from dating until I felt my heart was in the clear, I didn't think it was ethical to rebound.  I have an absolutely awesome r/s going now with a very healthy woman who treats me with respect and compassion.  My dBPDex is working on boyfriend number six or so, I try not to pay her that much attention, it's a waste after you accept that crazy is crazy.  

Rarely, very rarely, I still get a moment of anger over it all but I have 99% accepted it.  It gets better.  In fact, the entire ordeal has helped me get to a better place than I have been in decades.  I haven't been this content with life since I was a carefree child.

How long? He broke up with me 11 times in 5 mos. This last break up - almost 6 weeks ago.

How do you feel? Resigned that nothing will ever work out b/c of his uBPD/NPD. However, as I know he is in a very bad place right now, I feel quite sad.

How long since your Break up?   1 year, 4 months

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point? I feel great now.  :)

Once I stopped focusing so much energy and attention on my exBPDbf and instead turned that focus towards myself, the healing really began. I've been working on myself, and I haven't dated. I've been taking care of myself and getting to know myself. It's difficult, and painful at first - and sometimes still is - but now I have such a strong inner sense of contentment and peace, that it makes it easier to cope with the sad/hard bits. The way I think about myself and the world is different in a positive way.

Along the way, I've taken great strides and then stumbled backwards... .many times.   It's not a linear process, and you can't let yourself feel discouraged about perceived "setbacks." Look at them as opportunities to learn and grow, instead.


 I know it's hard. I have a very difficult time with self-forgiveness, too. But you did the best thing for You, which is the most important thing. Also, you might take comfort in knowing that it's the best thing for your ex, too.


Once you have compassion for yourself, it's easier to have compassion for others - even those who have hurt or wronged us. Focus on You. You sound like you have a very good start, and a great understanding of what the healing/detachment process entails.  |iiii


|iiii  |iiii  |iiii

8 months for me.zero contact. Feel better and stronger each day. I still think about her and her kids. I hope each day that her parents and or  ex husband confront her about how this is affecting her kids.I think that would bring me some sort of closure.

Officially called it quits a month ago after 3 months separation.  But for me, the detaching really began over a year before that with digging deep to work on myself including signing myself up for counseling because I felt I needed help to get over the anger and resentments I was holding.  Turns out I wasn't angry and resentful at him, but at myself for putting up with what I did for so long.  The separation was my way of working through whether or not we could make it in the long run (he was supposedly seeking help) and it turned out that I could no longer put myself in that position anymore and had to call it quits for good.

I feel so much better.  No more anxiety all the time, and I just feel free.  I am triggered sometimes but I understand it and won't allow it to control my life the way I used to.  I'm still working with my therapist who told me she is relieved I ended things as she was worrying for my physical safety.  No more.  I will nevr allow myself to be treated the way I did.  I now know what I'm worth and it isn't the hell I lived through for so long.

How long since your Break up?  . In about a week,.it will be two years since she called us "done." Two weeks later, I think, I found out that she had a fall back lover she recently martied and is now the stepdad to my kids. I don't alienate them to him. I can't, though they look at him like some silly, funny guy, not like a SD that I can tell.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  She moved out a year ago the beginning of this February. I felt better, then worse, then better. It still cycles, being abandoned and living in the house I bought for my family (I was previously a nomad, eschewing anything that tied me down). I still get triggered and depressed, feelng it so wrong that when I have the kids, that their mom isn't there. I hate that i feel like this. I want nothing more than to count down the next 15 years when I never have to see or talk to her again. I can sell the house, and move out of state. Moving is no problem. Not talking is a pipe dream. There's college, kids getting married, and the like. I know that my countdown isn't healthy either. It's staying stuck, and not detaching.

Their mom called me last night. I was on the line with a friend so I let it go to voice mail. She wanted to drop something off for S5. I could see how she thought it was necessary, but it wasn't. She said, "you can call me," when it could have been a simple text. I don't know why she wanted to talk. I texted back later. She offered to stop by in the morning. I demurred, but she still tried. I explained some kid level psych to her (that S5 needed to start being responsible for not remembering to take things) and she finally accepted that. I said I could handle him if he had a meltdown, and he didn't.

I still don't know why she wanted to talk on the phone.

How long since your Break up?   coming right up on four and a half years.

Do you feel better, worse or same since that point?  night and day. full disclosure: it took somewhere between a year and two. at one year i was nearly there but kind of ironically celebrated the breakup anniversary and i remember feeling hung up on justice. what i feel now is freedom, and im eternally grateful for it.

I was in the same boat - when we met, my ex was living in an apartment and didn't have a car. I bought her a car (she had no credit; we made the payments together) and I bought a house for us (and her daughter) to live in. When she left I wasn't ready to sell my home. It was a double edged sword, though; I loved my house but there were ghosts everywhere.

I thought about moving for a year. I decided to do it and am moving on Friday. In some ways, packing up this house has been a sort of closure; some days I did lots of crying, but as it gets closer to the actual move I'm feeling better and better. I suspect that, when I look back at it, the decision will turn out to be a very important step in my healing. 

How could it not be important in healing.  This is a massive step forward.  Keep us posted, I would like to hear how you are doing with all of it.

It is strange how our feelings are manifest in all the things around us whether we are aware of it or not.  I was blown away this morning when I took the last Kleenex from the box and got a new box to replace the old.  I was mid-toss of the old box and suddenly realized that this was the last box she had purchased.  She loved Kleenex and having the right box color was of paramount importance.  I stopped mid-toss and did not throw the box away.  Instead I placed it in a pile of memoirs that will get boxed up.

That is just an empty Kleenex box, but it has a lot of powerful memories and emotions wrapped into it, your house likely contains many more memories... .

Indeed.

I understand your experience with the kleenex box - those types of experiences happened to me many, many times.

I began dreading going back to my old house in the last several days before I moved. I finally realized that every square inch of that house triggered me; there were memories in every corner. Memories of her, memories of my stepdaughter, memories of us, memories of our family. In every square inch.

I moved out two weeks ago, and I feel GREAT. Really, really good. I almost didn't put the house on the market this summer - my decision to do so came out of no where and almost felt impulsive. Now I look back at it and can see that it was actually a healthy, forward facing "leap" into a new life. It was the last step I needed to take, for sure. I couldn't have taken it any sooner, but I'm very, very glad that I took it when I did.

I think that remaining in that house would have impeded my healing, because the visual triggers and memories in that house lead me to ruminate pretty frequently. It's almost like I spent a year in that house grieving - and it was important for me to go through that process - but it was also important for me to "wrap up" my grieving and take a step forward into a new life.

I'm closing in on 5 months... .initially I felt great all the anxiety and depression was so bad that leaving was a relief... .there was no way the relationship was gonna work for me I was becoming suicidal, there's no way I could have lived my life like that and I also fell out of love with her... .strangely I feel worse now than I did the first few months... .still ruminating daily and alot depressed... .My social life is lacking at the moment I'm sure that plays a big part.  

It's been 18 days.

I still miss the "good" part sometimes.  Last night I went on a date with another guy to a restaurant I went to with exBPD, and the date went horribly, and I found myself missing the evening I spent there with exBPD because it was during the idealization phase and it was wonderful.  Then I dreamed about his last night.

But one thing I have been increasingly realizing as time goes on is how much this guy needs to control the relationship.  He has some NPD tendencies, and I notice that a lot of people tend to ascribe intention to the NPD's idealization/devaluation/discard cycle, but I don't think my ex did what he did intentionally or in a planned way.  I think he is just wired that way and can't really help it.  The thing that surprises me the most is how much he has tried to watch and control me since he dumped me.  It is fairly clear, given his actions, that he hasn't moved on.  A website shared by our group indicates that he's looking in on me every few days, even though he no longer shows up at events.  Last night he posted about his life and whereabouts on a public board.  He could have made an anonymous account or disappeared if he didn't want me to know where he is, especially after sending me a nasty (paper) letter not to contact him again, but in a twisted way, I think he wants me to show up again.