BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I have been divorced for nearly 10 years. My ex husband and I had 3 children together. The youngest will be home for 3 more years. When I filed for divorce, my husband told me he was going to 'smear' my name to everyone we knew. He said he'd tell one new person everyday what a whore I was. As I write this I am struck by the contrast between what I really am and what he says I am. Anyway, after 10 years, he's still at it. I have stayed in the same home/neighborhood in order to provide stability for my children. I have created a completely new life outside of the neighborhood and my former group of 'friends' to whom he has smeared my name. I am generally very pleased with the life I've created, however, there are still occasions when I run into these people... the grocery store, school events, etc. and on a day when I'm tired, or missing my mom who passed, it really gets to me. I sometimes can't hide it from my children, which is distressing, to me and to them. I don't want to unload on them, but they can tell that something is wrong when I return from a trip to the grocery store, for example, where I've bumped into someone who just looks at me suspiciously, or worse yet if my children are with me, they'll often talk to my children without even acknowledging my presence. It hurts. I've come a long way in the self esteem department since leaving my ex who is deeply disturbed and a vindictive abuser, but I still have a ways to go. I need tools to help me navigate my way through such encounters, and their aftermath. I'd welcome practical suggestions regarding how to handle this situation. thank you.

I wish I could give you words to make things better. All I can do is tell you that when my sister did a smear on me and I lost friends, I learned to keep my head up and remember that I knew the truth, even if they didn't. It hurts, yes, it does. But there really isn't anything you can do about them so focus on making your life better.

I'm currently in the exact same situation-(ex "born again christian", physically and emotionally abused me) has been running a smear campaign for about 3 yrs.  I'm sorry you have been dealing with it for so long.

Since I left him he has told our girls, family, friends, court, neighborhood, teachers that I'm addicted to drugs, I'm bipolar, BPD, ruining our daughters lives, told the court and others my daughter says she finds pills on the floor around the house, it goes on and on.  I realize I have no control of what he does and says, but it really does get to me sometimes, too. Especially when my girls are so angry and disrespectful to me or when I have to drop off girls at school and people that don't know the real "him" blatantly turn away as to avoid me. 

It also baffles me how my ex can "brainwash" the girls to not even remember or twist their memories of what used to go when we were married.   

I'm the type of person that feels bad to say things about other people even if they are true, to not make them feel bad.  I will keep it to myself thinking they will find out what the truth is about me eventually.  My girls I hope will eventually realize.     

I was going to start a new post, but then I read yours. Exact same thing. But the smear campaign is going to my kids and not to general public. Well, not that I know of.

My kids think I am a cronic liar and someone not to be trusted or loved. I honestly don't know how to defend myself from his accusations without getting into details that no child should know. I got really mad the other night, which is usually when I get them back from my ex-uBPD's house because they come back totally different, and finally told my son (08) that dad was mentally ill. I wish I hadn't said that. Now he keeps repeating this all over.  I am falling apart inside. I just started the divorce process, so I have lots to go through before this is all over.  Dang. It is hard.

I wish I had some advice to give. If I find some, I'll pass it along.

My uBPDxw (We were married 18yrs) was going around telling people that I sexually abused her and that I physically abused her and my sons. It all started coming out after I caught her in an affair. I was so enraged that I start going around to EVERYONE I knew (family, church, neighbors) to defend myself and clear my name. I realized that this was crazy and it was making me crazy. In the end I realized that if a person I cared about and that cared about me heard these stories they would have the decency to talk to me to hear what I had to say. And if people believed these stories without at least coming to me to see what I had to say than they are the type of people that I don't need in my life anyway... .In the end she did me a favor. I don't need FAKE friends in my life!

I do know how you feel though. I have seen people look at me with THAT LOOK

You have two choices as I see it. You can go on as you are and put up with it. Or you can do something about it.

Like people have already said those that believe the lies aren't your friends and don't know you. I don't know if its the right thing to do but I would get to a point where I would confront these people.

I would ask them outright "Why are you being like this?" Then tell them, "Theres two sides to everything and if you choose to believe one without finding out about the other then you are just ignorant". "if you choose to believe my exs smear campaign then that's up to you. I wont lower myself to his level though." "I will however seek legal guidance on this as slander is something that I am not going to tolerate".

Or something to that effect. You may only have to speak to a couple of them for it to cast doubt on your exs behaviour. It could however backfire and stir things up more.

I've gotten some of the looks and even a few brazen moms coming up to me at school ( I'm step mom) to say how sad they are that SD6 is with us so much more than mom, as they are friends with mom ( for months, not a long time) and they know her to be a wonderful person.

I could stand up to them and say, why do you think you know more about this than three therapists, and two custody evaluations, but they probably wouldn't think I was all that

"Cool" for pointing our their ignorance or arrogance. My canned response to every one of them which seems to work magic... .

" you have to cut the ham pretty thin for there not to be two sides"

Then walk away. 

I just wrote a post on this exact topic! I just filed for divorced. I've been married for less than 2 years and have a 9 month old baby. My husband has started a smear campaign at our church that I've been at since I was a teen. He's been there less than 2 years. He just got out of the military so he is not from here and met everyone through me. Now some of my closet friends are angry with me because of the lies that he has told. He has called my family member and made up crazy lies. I can only imagine what kind of lies he is making up to tell everyone else to make them hate me too. Reading through some of these comments makes me really sad to know that I may have to deal with this for many years and may even have my daughter subjected to this sort of child abuse. This should be illegal!

Hang in there! From my experience the people who matter will figure out the truth. Again the people who matter will make judgement based on both of your actions and not words.  The people who mattered to me (Family-hers and mine, friends, church family, neighbors) all saw the truth about me by my actions. She left the kids and abandoned them to me to raise (I have prim. Custody), I helped her move into an apartment, I never lashed out in anger, I continued to go to church and take kids with me (she never goes not even go see her kids in musical performances), I look after her Mom (she has abandoned her Mom), I put up her brother when he visited from Germany (She wouldn't let him and his family stay with her), etc, etc. Yeah I'm a crazy lunatic that beats on his kids and wife   

I feel sorry for her as that is sick behavior to make up such horrible lies about an innocent person. I stop feeling sorry when I realize that she could have had me in serious trouble if her lies were taken to Authorities like Police, Teachers, Pastors, etc.

Hang in there!

MWC... .  *)

Thank you MYCrazyWife. I had an answered prayer today. He contacted my ex husband to try and get him on his side and my prayer was answered. My ex husband told him he wanted no part of it. I thanked my exh and was able to then apologize for all of the hard times we went through with our own divorce and thank him and his wife for all they do for our kids. I just need to learn to have faith in God and in the end his true colors will show.

I'm glad you're prayers were answered. Talk about sick behaviour  I'm glad the situation allowed you to heal some wounds between you and your ex... .God works in mysterious ways. Rom 8:28.

MWC... .*)

PS. Sorry everyone didn't mean to hijack the thread!

Iwillbeattthis,

I am sorry that you have to deal with this after so long. It is hard to imagine the time and energy that he wastes on such a campaign.

I am not yet divorced and the smearing has been heightened for the last year, as the r/s deteriorated.

I can relate to getting the looks, snickers and points. I can't believe adults can act so childish. I will sometimes say "Hello" or give them a smile. I have been caught off guard at times and if, like you, I am having an off day, it can weigh on me.

I have been accused of being crazy, abusing the kids, abusing stbxh, being a whore, lesbian and having new men in my life. I can imagine what else my he has said. He has gone deep into friends that I haven't seen in years. Facebook and social media provide him with the forum to run amok and have a farther reach. It is the ones close to home that have listened to him that really bother me, though I am learning to just let it and them go.

Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.