BPDFamily.com

I finally met with my friend. We had a great chat, and I feel that if we can keep this up, our friendship can really be improved instead of just being salvaged. We talked about jealousy, our current and past relationships, our attitudes towards sex, and about love... .in many ways it seemed like we are birds of (a somewhat ruffled) feather. Among the things she told me were how her ex often managed to push her buttons and make her rage and throw things at walls (I did meet him once and it was dislike at first sight, so I can't really blame her... .), and about her shouting match with her husband when he found about me and our unusual friendship. What I was thinking at that point was "you can't push buttons that don't exist" - how could I break it to her, tell her that maybe she should look into that part of herself? The usual consensus seems to be that you shouldn't - but she's very self-reflective and I keep thinking that maybe she could just be nudged in the right direction. Should I tell her about my suspicions about her being pwBPD, and if so, how to do it as gently as possible?

It's a fine line, one that's hard to distinguish since it varies from person to person. For me, my husband at the beginning of the r/s told me he had depression and anxiety disorder. After the 'mask' started to fall off, and he behaviors to me were more bizarre, I started doing research and discovered he was BPD to a tee. Before I knew you weren't supposed to... .I asked him if he was BPD, and at that point he admitted he was diagnosed.

Since you are saying she's self aware, and my husband is in fact self-aware, you might want to bring it up casually. Say something like, "I've been doing some research, and I came across this borderline personality disorder. What are your thoughts on that?" and kind of go from there.

FWIW, I don't use the "disorder" part when speaking of anyone having a Borderline Personality. It seems to make the discussion go easier. I so wish they'd come up with a better name, anyway. Something like "Heightened Emotions Syndrome" or something.

Ooo very good point. I like that better, too. Yeah... .definitely present it as "Borderline Personality".

Really good topic! I kinda shot myself in the foot before I learned about BPD and this site, and told him that I think he's mentally ill. oops! Especially because his sister is mentally ill. But it's a bell I can't un-ring. I think he just attributes it to me having an outburst of frustration and doesn't realize I actually am convinced of it.

Actually hoping the divorce hearing will help with that . . . if the judge sees his mental unbalance, they have much more experience with suggesting mental health assistance without making it look like they're calling someone crazy... .at least that's my hope.

I wish there was literature that was made for this reason (maybe there is), along the lines of, "do you sometimes not understand your own anger? Does it seem like people are plotting against you? You're not crazy! Millions live with Borderline Personality and find hope . . . bla bla bla" Don't know if he'd read it, but if it briefly explains the signs, it would at least put the idea in his mind that there is help.

I know her friend is diagnosed with BPD (the friend told me that once - we are also friends), so perhaps I can work with that. Maybe drop that somehow the next time, or go about asking if she sees any similarity in her actions to her friends' and leave the specific issue out - that way I wouldn't have to figure out if the friend has told her about the diagnosis. I'm still a bit afraid she might take it negatively, but on the other hand, a stalled friendship where these kinds of issues are avoided isn't ultimately worth much anyway... .