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I have noticed that one of the issues I had with communicating with my husband was that he didn't think of things as having more than one truth. When we would discuss world issues, talk about TV shows, etc. anytime he made a point, and I would make another point, he would knee-jerk believe that what I was saying was HIS point was wrong, and MY point was right.

What I have started to do was change how I said things. He makes a statement or a point, and now I say "I can see that. You have a good point. Here's another good point" and at first he would buck and get upset, thinking of course I'm saying his opinions do not count. When that happened, I would say. "Yes hunny you are right, also. X point is true... .and X point is also true. Almost everything in the world exists in gray areas. Everything is a case by case basis, and everything can have more than one truth."

After a month of doing this, he is now listening to my thoughts better. He's starting to see how things are multi-faceted. He's even starting to say it himself, IE when I make a point, he will say "I did not think of that point. This is the point I thought of"

We still have a lot of work, mind you. But maybe this tip might help some of you guys.

The biggest breakthrough happened last night. We were watching a show a few days ago where the character had been sexually abused as a child, and she was talking about how she liked it... .how she was proud that the man thought she was pretty, and how disgusting she feels now as an adult for having those feelings. I was commenting that she shouldn't feel bad because it's normal to feel that way, and it's normal for your body to respond physically. (I have a habit of talking to people on the TV like they can hear me)

Well last night, he started talking about the sexual abuse he suffered. He said he didn't feel victimized, he liked the attention and it felt good. He didn't think anything was wrong with it at the time. He said he never told anyone that because he was sure he was disgusting and I would find him disgusting, and I said absolutely not. Part of me enjoyed when I was coerced and molested by my step-brother. Yes, I do feel guilty and ashamed about that... .but at the same time, I know it's normal.

Both things are true at the same time.

I realize that we are just scratching the surface of how deep his feelings and thoughts really go. He says he has never had a relationship where he felt safe enough to talk about these things. I hope in time, I can convince him counseling is something that would greatly benefit him, or he might even convince himself. :)

I'm really impressed! Both of you are doing so well!

This is really good! Thanks! I think H and I might benefit from this. Using, "X is true AND Y is also true," might help him to see that while I am expressing my unwillingness to take more than half the responsibility for your relationship and its repair, I am ALSO acknowledging my contribution to its current state.

Thanks again for sharing. I'll keep pondering this idea.

You are reducing conflict and perceived need for defensiveness, this is good springboard that leads to more open conversations.

It can go one step further by asking if there are any other reasons for XYZ happening that he can think off. eg I think XYZ happened because of ABC, can you think of any other reasons that may have contributed?... Inviting contributions

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Oh very nice! I will definitely stick this one in my toolbox and see how it goes. I'd love to be able to get more intimate conversation from him like this. We can talk for hours about all kinds of subjects, but this would invite more depth to those conversations. Great idea :)

Thanks for sharing this bit of success. I need some encouragement right now.

CE,

Nice technique. My wife is easily offended if someone voices an opinion that differs from her own. Think I will try some of the things you are doing, too.       

That's a great tip! Will try to use this with my sister, thanks!