BPDFamily.com

Hello! This is my first post. I stumbled across this site while looking for answers for my complicated relationship. My bf is undiagnosed BPD, as far as I know. I have worked in mental health for many years and he is text book BPD, but pretty high functioning. We have been together for almost a year now... .a very exhausting year! I became certain he had BPD a few months ago after about our 20th faux break up. He is not at a place where he is ready to get help, so I did. I started seeing a t again To help me determine whether I would stay or not. Now I have decided to try to work things out with him because our love is strong and special. He makes me feel like no one could love me more, when things are good. When things are not good, it feels crappy. He becomes someone else. But my love always comes back to me. I'm here for answers, encouragement, support, just any kind of help I can get. This is a tough life. But the love we share is worth fighting for. I see the pain he's in. I know he doesn't like being this way. I also know I can't fix him. But I can learn. There are things I can do to make life a little more bearable for the both of us. I've already identified some triggers and worked on the way I word things when communicating with him. I'm really looking forward to learning more. Today is a good day. He is the man I love today and he loves me. I think what really led me here is wondering if and how I should bring up BPD and encourage him to get help. He talks openly about his issues and I'm thinking about the diagnostic criteria like: check, check, check... .he's literally describing the symptoms of BPD. So he is aware of what he does and he just doesn't know what to call it. I've mentioned that it sounded like BPD before and he told me I wasn't his f'in therapist, then didn't talk to me for a day and  a half. I felt like it wasn't the first time he had heard or at least thought about BPD. He was previously in therapy for his "sex addiction" which I feel was just a symptom of BPD. Is there a right way to bring this up?

Hello Jk416, I'm glad you found us.

*welcome*

Though what you're struggling with seems like life can be tough, your love and willingness to reach out fir support, speaks volumes about your commitment.

A few members have had limited success about sharing their suscicions about BPD with their partners, for the most part it goes over about as well as it did for you. I did it once, and it triggered fear.

Though sex addiction isn't specifically a diagnostic trait of BPD, it could fall under "impulsivity" or even a self-destructive behavior. That he openly talks about his issues is good. Its a tricky thing to navigate, however, and a partner needs to walk the fine line between validating feelings without triggering shame.

I encourage you to check out the lessons to the right of the board to start. You can learn more about BPD, and also communication techniques which can help reduce conflict.

Turkish

I want to join Turkish in welcoming you! 

I'm glad you goal is to learn... .

There is an order to the disorder.  Once you understand that... .and how it specifically applies to your r/s (relationship) you will begin to feel empowered... .the crazyness (and the exhaustion that goes with it) will start to loose hold over you!

Can you give us an example of  an event that was exhausting to you?  I think that will help us point you to your first lessons.

I'm very glad you have your own T.  You are building a support system... .this is good!

FF

Thank you both for welcoming me! It feels so good to have somebody who knows what you're going through. I try not to talk to family and friends too much about my frustration because it paints him in a bad light. And I don't want that. Plus I don't want to burn them out.

The most exhausting part is figuring out how to find a balance that he is happy with. We don't live in the same city so we usually are only together during the weekends, some week days here and there, but we talk a lot on the phone. For hours every day. It's been that way since we first met. There are times when he will say he doesn't care to talk to me that much anymore, so I back off a little (call him three times a day instead of 6) and he gets upset that I didn't call him at the times I usually do. I tell him that's what he asked for and he shuts down. So he wants to talk less, but not tell me how much less. Two minutes could be less to him, so if it's 10 minutes less, that upsets him.

There are so many times he does that. Ask for something, I comply, then get attacked for giving him exactly what he asked for.