BPDFamily.com

My dBPDh and I had made plans this week to watch the meteors. We picked a nice, dark secluded spot. He mentioned setting up my tripod (the past year i have been getting really interested in photography) and I loved the idea. I got excited about the idea of catching a meteor on film, so I did some research in ISO settings and such. He even asked me yesterday evening if I though about taking any photography classes to learn and for fun, and we talked about that.

Well, last night he started to dysregulate. I mentioned... .kind of thinking out loud... .that I was going to be pretty tired for work and I wished it was peaking on the weekend. Somehow, that got turned into I didn't want to go... .obviously I wasn't ever excited about the meteors... .instead of wanting to spend time with him on a blanket holding his hand all I wanted to do was take pictures so I could "put them on social media and show everyone my pictures"

Then, he went into being upset about me taking a camera to concerts. In the past, he felt that I took too many pictures and I didn't enjoy the show as much, and I agreed to cut down. And I did... .by a lot. I took hundreds of pictures before, now I take about 20-30 and that's it.

He knows I am interested in photography. We drive to places just to take photos, and he loves the road trips. It's a fun thing we do together... .I thought. But all of a sudden, I am a jerkoff who just shoves cameras in everyone and everything's face, and I just want social media to bow down to my pictures. (none of this is true... I do post my photos but the fun for me is taking them and cropping/staging the photos)

The very first second when he said he wanted me to keep the camera home for our meteor trip, I said in a low, calm voice that I respect his feelings on the situation and I have no problem leaving it at home. He still went off for a good 30 minutes, recycling the same comments like I didn't say a thing.

Is this some sort of jealousy about me being interested in something? Or just a jab at me for a faux pas I am unaware of?

Do you think it is possible that he is trying to say something else and just isn't communicating it very well?

I used to play video games. Growing up in a troubled home was difficult, but video games were my escape. Once I got married, my wife tried to be supportive of them but ultimately, my frequent video game playing hurt her feelings.

Why? Quality time is her love language. When I devote all of my attention to her, she feels loved. When I don't give her all of my attention in a moment, she doesn't feel the love as much, regardless of what my intentions are.

Do you think it is possible that he is wanting more of your attention than you are giving him?

We spend every waking moment together if I am not at work. I haven't even gone out on a photo shoot by myself in 5 years or so, because he enjoys going and I enjoy him being there.

My thought on it was maybe when I said I was going to be tired, he took it like I didn't want to go, and he sort of just attacked the photography thing cuz well... .cuz BPD. But I am not sure.

"I used to play video games. Growing up in a troubled home was difficult, but video games were my escape. Once I got married, my wife tried to be supportive of them but ultimately, my frequent video game playing hurt her feelings."

We both play a lot of video games, and he gets the lion's share of the time. Neither one of us make a big deal out of how much time we spend, but he does watch me play sometimes and try to tell me how to. I am actually a pretty good gamer, and I think it irritates him that I might be a little better on some games.

I too think it actually might be that he feels ignored and just needs more time where you aren't distracted. BPDh tends to get super focused on his hobbies too, and I admit to feeling ignored at times. I just wish he'd balance his need for his hobbies, and "him time", with my need to feel I matter and stay connected.

Did you husband seem happy when you backed off some on the amount of pictures you take at events? Sometimes marriage is about compromise, and just because someone has BPD doesn't mean they don't have a point. I try not to just blow off what BPDh says and just write it off as BPD, and I don't think you are doing that either. The thing about BPD is that because they attack so often, it makes us second guess ourselves.

Can you do some of both when you do the meteor thing? Is he open to compromise? I feel his not wanting you to even take the camera is pretty controlling. My husband and I bought two nice cameras and have yet to pursue it. Does he have any interest in it?

Here's what I got out of that.

You said you were pretty tired because of work and wish the meteors were peaking on the weekend.

This = the pictures of the meteors is the important part of the outing for you.

You could obviously lay on a blanket holding your h's hand even if you were tired. But it's hard to take pictures if you are tired, especially when you have to get your settings correct.

If the pictures are more important, then spending time with your H is less important.

Then the meteors are not even important since just looking at them with your H is not enough.

The part I saw as most important in what he said was:"instead of wanting to spend time with him on a blanket holding his hand all I wanted to do was take pictures"

It's the sifting though all the smoke and mirrors that makes it tough.

He did, and there have been times I didn't take the camera at all. I am more than willing to compromise, and that's what I have done.


I'm OK with him not wanting me to bring the camera because he wanted to share the moment with me. It was my first time seeing meteors, I understood his feelings on the matter and I told him right out of the gate that I respect his feelings and that I have no problem not bringing it.

Offroad:
This was my guess, that what I meant simply was that I wish it happened over the weekend, but what he heard was "I don't want to do this event with you because I'll be tired." I'm confused why he brought up photography into the whole thing... .especially since he suggested it in the first place, encouraged me to look into classes, then *swoosh* he pulled the rug out.

I'm thinking that what he heard was that you wanted it to have peaked on the weekend because getting the pictures when you were not tired was more important than sitting with him on the blanket during the week and possibly not getting pictures because you were tired. He is now competing with the pictures in his mind. Just a guess, though.

It wont be about this specific issue it will be about competing for attention, this was the moment it bubbled to the surface.

Just pay him attention and make a point of not taking photos sometimes. Ignore some of the illogical sulks, after all it is BPD and it will happen

For my H  (traits) anything I am interested in can possibly misinterpreted by him as "not interested in me".  

He has gotten jealous of a number of my hobbies and interests. He can also exaggerate them into being larger than they are. For instance, If  I choose to read about a certain topic, he states that I am "ALWAYS reading about it, becoming obsessed about it, and making it the center of my life."

Black and white thinking. Interest in something is ONLY that something, which then gets translated into NO interest in him.

It is interesting that it is my H that gets all absorbed in an interest to the exclusion of others, so perhaps this is some projection on his part. Years ago, he got on a fitness kick. After work, he would come home and spend most of the evening on this hobby. This was a change for us since evenings were usually family time, and I didn't make other plans. As you can imagine, he decided to do this without any discussion about the plans with me. I didn't mind - it was good for him, but I found myself home in the evenings with no plans. The kids are older and don't need me around constantly, so, I decided since some of my evenings were free, I would take a class a few nights.

This had nothing to do with him, but he didn't see it this way. You see, he can indulge himself in a hobby and be fine with me being in the house without interacting with me, but when I took on a hobby, then it was "I don't like that you are gone EVERY evening".

Yes, yes, yes!

That black and white thinking of all or nothing emerges and if you're interested in something that doesn't immediately involve them, then obviously you don't care about them at all!

I get that too. He says all I'm interested in are my horses. Yes, I ride them a couple of times a week, but there's a lot of time I spend with him and much more time I focus entirely upon him, but in his mind, all I do is ride the horses.  

*sighs* You are right. I was afraid of down the road if I did decide to take photography classes, it's going to cause problems. But, you are right. No matter what I do he sometimes is just going illogically sulk.

Not Wendy:
Yes! That makes sense. Mine does the same thing, too. He does a lot of reading on political commenting online. Usually when he's on his laptop, I just my own thing. Sometimes I'm playing a game, sometimes reading, etc. When he wants to talk to me, he will just start talking and if I don't give him my full attention, he gets upset. But at the exact same time, if I'm talking to him and he looks down and someone replied... .well shoot give him a sec he needs to make his post. He will do this simultaneously. *shakes head*


Oooh yeah... .ALL I do is this... .ALL I do is that. Blah that damned black/white thinking!

Here's another one: when we swim together, I typically swim laps while he will swim underwater for a while and then get out and sit on a chaise lounge and read.

He gets annoyed that I swim laps--that I'm not "with him," yet if I sit next to him, he's got his nose stuck in a book or magazine and I can barely get two words of conversation out of him.

So I swim laps and periodically stop and say something to him.

These things used to annoy me, OK, they still do annoy me, but not nearly as much. Now I'm starting to find them funny.

I'm getting better at it. Knowing where it comes from helps me. I'm sure I'm going to hear crap about my photography class, but he's just going to have to suck it up. :)

As a fellow photographer, I can feel your pain.  This has to be tough.   

My exbffBPD did this with her ex.  He liked to work out at the gym.  She felt he worked out at the gym too much.  He liked his car.  She felt he liked his car too much.  But at the end of the day, what she was really getting at was that he worked all the time, which made her feel abandoned.  And then, when he wanted to relax or blow off some steam, he went to the gym or worked on his car. 

I'm not sure why they broke up, but his two most recent Facebook pics were a pic of him at the gym and a meme about cars.  So, it looks like he's getting his life back.

It's amazing how wording and timing is everything with pwBPD.  I used to just send texts to my exbffBPD and not think about what I wrote.  Yeaterday, I spent 10 minutes crafting a "happy birthday" text to send to her on her birthday, which is in September.  I'm still not sure if it's good.

Yep it's a skill I'm still trying to master. If I could rewind time, I would have never mentioned the wishing it was the weekend bit. If I had not done that, the whole universe wouldn't have went tits up. I'm thankful the evening was salvaged, though. There have been times where the meltdowns ruined any chance of that.

Yes, it would be wonderful to rewind time.  Before my exbffBPD was diagnosed, I used to go on about fun things I was doing over the weekend.  I used to show her pictures.  Now, I know that she saw that as me not wanting to spend time with her.  But if we made plans, she canceled.  It's a battle,  and I have much respect for you, for continuing to fight that battle.

I have more joy than headaches with him. He's a really smart caring, we enjoy the same music, TV, hobbies (minus this one lol), and share similar viewpoints. He is my best friend and I wouldn't trade him for the world... .even if I want to pull my hair out sometimes rofl :)

That's what I miss the most about my exbff.  Like right now, I'm finally getting around to watching the last two seasons of True Blood.  She's the only person in my life who would care about that, but she refuses to talk to me.

Yes, she lies and manipulates and rages, but she hates herself more than she could ever hate me.  She feels abandoned by her parents (mom and stepdad), who don't live near her, but she rarely visits and turned down an offer to live with them.  I know it's really because of the shame she feels.  They had to fly out to visit her when she was in the hospital.  I had to cancel plans to visit her in the hospital.  So, she now feels like,  "They must be crazy, to visit me.  I'm a bad person."

Do a photographic study of angry faces...  :)

I've had my hobbies and interests attacked too. So a jealous reaction toward them seems typical.

If you hear him going off about your photography... .hear the valid emotions -- he is upset about something. And listen to the things he is complaining about, but know that more often than not it isn't valid, it isn't real, an even if it was, it is only focused on him, and is not giving your needs or desires even the slightest bit of consideration.

So go about it anyway, and know that he's going to go off about it. If you weren't doing photography, he would find something else to go off over.

I'm learning to laugh a lot more about some of my husband's complaints (not to him, of course). The other day he was telling me how I value so many things, but not him, which is utter nonsense because I tell him many times a day how much I love and or appreciate him.

So in his list was my horses, my friends, coffee, the internet. It was like he was jealous of me enjoying my coffee!  lol

I'm so glad I've gotten past the resentment and can find the humor. Someone needs to do a standup act about pwBPD. The material is there--it could be hilarious to us nons.

You need to get to this stage... ^^ before you can genuinely say this... vvv... without reservation


Sometimes they can pick up that you aren't quite there, despite your reassurances

Good point, waverider! If I'm not totally congruent, then it's an invalidation. I'll have to watch myself so that I don't automatically try to express love when I'm not totally feeling it at the moment.

My hw BPD also gets jealous and down right mean about me having interests that don't include him, unless it will make him money or save him money, then he's all in! He gets jealous of the kids, my friends, our employees, you get the picture. I try not to personalize and take the "you aren't interested in me" bait. He will even phrase questions like " is there any chance you would be interested in spending some time with me?" I have to watch myself because some days I hear myself answer ( in my head) " not even a little bit"!

WOW!  lol My husband says those exact words!

I really get sick and tired of him being able to read me like a book, you know. Sometimes I feel like I cannot even have any emotions to myself because he picks them up. For an example, if I'm irritated about something I know is stupid, I'm not going to talk about it. I'm just going to work it out myself and given a bit of time I'll get over it. However, if he picks up on the irritation, it turns into him trying to decipher what he has done or said to cause it.

I love that about him... .and I hate that about him lol

@Catfamiliar
Maybe this is what I need to focus on. If I'm irritated and he picks up on it, I need to just tell him what I'm irritated about and ask for some space.

If you live in constant fear of being attacked as pwBPD does, you are going to have the sensitivity setting on your radar turned to maximum, this will also pick up all the clutter and confuse the readings.

Owning your irritations and frustrations and highlighting they are your problem to deal with is good. They have to get used to the fact that you have every right to emotions too.

Not to mention biting your tongue hurts.

Some days I'm surprised I have a tongue left to bite rofl but I digress. Since I have been on here his turnaround has been amazing. Last night, I was upset about something someone said, and it really shouldn't have bothered me but it did... .a lot. He was very sweet and listened to me and I said I know I was being stupid and I shouldn't be hurting over it like I was and he said "Hey... .what upsets us, upsets us. It's not right or wrong." In the past, my crying or being upset would automatically make him mad and dysregulate. He's not doing that nearly as much anymore.

Yay! |iiii  

My take on this:

pwBPD lack identities, lack hobbies, and instead sponge off of others.  They think in black and white.  Combine the two, and what you have is not what it seems.  The pwBPD is envious and confused that you have an interest that is something other than him/her.  To the pwBPD, it means that you don't truly love him/her.  The pwBPD doesn't understand how you can both have a hobby AND enjoy spending time with him/her.  Why?  Because pwBPD are incapable of this themselves.

My wife is the same way.  :)oesn't matter what the hobby is.  It doesn't have to be a hobby, it could be work or household chores.  If I am doing something else and she is not involved, she's upset.  The reason is that she is not self-entertaining.  I am her hobby.  I am her only interest.   Everything else she does is passing the time until I come home and spend time with her.  Last night I worked a second job.  She could have done something on her own - chores, a hobby, go to the gym or yoga, an AA meeting, read... . Instead she laid on the couch and watched TV until I came home.  And if I come home and start to do chores, she's upset.  

I really don't think this has anything to do with a hobby.  I think it is very basic - your time is not 100% devoted to him, and he is both confused and envious, and somehow that means you don't love him.

Really good explanation, Max!  |iiii

I know my husband gets jealous of my time when I do chores or housecleaning, yet it doesn't occur to him that he could help.

That one stuck out on me because that really is all he does. In fact, that's what he tells me he does. He just waits for me to come home. Mondays are the worst. He is sad that the weekend is over and he almost cries every Monday morning. He's looking in the right direction, though. He thought of a job he might like to do. The actual DOING of it probably won't happen for a long time if at all, but thinking about it is still more than before lol

pwBPD can be jealous of your functionality, as this is something they cant achieve themselves. The more functional you are the more it highlights they are not.

Do not allow yourself to become low functioning in an attempt to soothe them.

You are correct they often only hold one interest or fad at a time, and while you are the object of it they want your interest also to be exclusive. If you are not their current fad than your attempts at connection can conversely be seen as intrusive (black and white exclusivity)

That is because you diffused the blaming and so didn't trigger defensiveness. As a result you got to have your say. Surprising how phrasing something a little different can achieve a whole different result. Diplomacy at its finest

|iiii

By far, I think this is the one area that is behind most of my wife's emotional distress over the course of her life.  Given the freedom to do what I want, I am never, or have never been bored.  At any given moment, I can come up with more than a dozen things that I need or want to do.  And depending on the resources available, the time available, or the people present, there is always at least one thing on that list I can do.  In other words, I am never, ever dependent upon someone else to keep me from being bored.   The only times I am bored are when I am having to wait for something I have to do.   During those times, my freedom to do other things I may want or need to do is limited.  And of the things on my list, I am doing them because I either want to do them or need to do them.  Never am I doing something just to "pass the time".

My wife is the complete opposite.  I can't think of one thing she has ever done "just for fun".  Everything she does is for some ulterior motive.  If she exercises - it's to lose weight.  If she works, it's because she needs money. Other activities or hobbies are for the purpose of meeting people or passing time.  I may go to work and she will remark, "I don't know what to do with myself while you are gone."  That concept is so foreign to me!

And as a result - I think that makes my wife's happiness 100% dependent on others.  That's why her relationships fail.  That's why people are constantly disappointing her.  That's why she can't hold a job.  That's why she got into drugs.  It's funny that when I met her, I was specifically looking for someone who was independent and comfortable being alone.  It took almost 2 years for me to see what was really going on.  At first, I thought she was independent and comfortable being alone.  After all, she had travelled the world (mostly by herself) and lived abroad by herself.  I didn't recognize, however, that those actions were for the opposite reasons - that she was running away because she was bored and lonely and couldn't stand being alone. 

I could have written these exact same words, Max. Yes, life is so incredibly entertaining that I don't have time to do all the interesting, fun and necessary stuff that I'd like to do.

Fortunately my husband doesn't rely upon me so frequently for his entertainment. He is constantly reading or downloading music or watching TV.

A difference between us that I've noticed is that he will label certain necessary household tasks as "WORK" and try to avoid them as much as possible.

For me, I can find fun and entertainment in all sort of "WORK" so I don't make such a separation. For example, yesterday I had a good time vacuuming spider webs from the outside of the windows and eaves. I can't imagine that he would do this and if he did, he would make it into such a drama and "poor me" scenario.

The only time I am bored is when i am hanging around waiting dependent on someone else.

Its all about knowing who you are, your own identity, you are doing stuff because you want to, not because you are trying to impress someone else, or need someone else to define your needs.

My wife wont do chores at all if I am not there, as she is not doing them because she needs/wants to. If I am there she might do some, but that is being driven by the need to be seen doing them. It is about the impression on me. So they are usually the most visual that take the least effort.  With that sort of motivation the completed task cannot provide the satisfaction in a job done.

My husband does this, too. He will say he's going to do this or that when I'm at work, but he rarely does. I used to make a big deal out of it before i knew about BPD. I couldn't understand telling someone you will take care of something and not only NOT doing it... .but also getting upset that it was brought to your attention.

However since then, if he says he will do something and doesn't, I don't make a big deal out of it. I ask he says he didn't, and I say OK. If I want certain things done that bad I'll just do them myself. I shouldn't expect him to do something just because I want him to. When he does follow through, it's a wonderful surprise and he gets praise :)

Keepin' my gratitude higher than my expectations

I see the same regarding chores, shopping, or cooking.  If I am not home, she will rarely do any.  She will save these for "stuff we need to do together."  That means, when we do spend time together, it is often running errands.  When she does do any of the above while alone, I am certain she will mention it or make a big deal out of it - "I emptied the dishwasher and folded my laundry."   And when we are together and it comes to cleaning or cooking, she will usually go on a 5-15 minute rant about how much she hates it or how frustrating it is before she settles down and actually does it.  It's much like a kid who is asked to clean his/her room - a bunch of whining and procrastinating will come before any actual work.  I really don't understand this.  Most children eventually learn that the complaining gets them nowhere, and grow out of it.  How can my wife not see that her complaining about chores gets her nowhere?

It all boils down to that emotional equivalency of a toddler, Max <3

Enlightening conversation. Mine will tell me I should go do something I like to do then complain that I do not spend time with her.

Hah just had this today... .however that is her problem to deal with. Meanwhile I did something I liked to do :check:

Hey ColdEthyl:

"it turns into him trying to decipher what he has done or said to cause it. I love that about him... .and I hate that about him lol"

Ditto on that as well as the part about not being able to have you own emotional turmoil and keep it to yourself without the Evil Eye preying through you thoughts. I guess it's part and parcel.

On you original post of your husband being upset about the night out with the meteor viewing and filming: Do you think it might have just been as simple as you inadvertently bringing down his "high?" With him not working and you having to work it might just have made him feel a bit guilty as well because you'd be tired for work the next day.

Uhh... .no. No I did NOT think of that but that very well could be. It's the biggest thing he beats himself up about. He WOULD also put that guilt on himself about me being tired even though he doesn't have anything to do with it, and I wasn't complaining but thinking out loud. /sigh

Good catch on that one!