BPDFamily.com

I have been on the other message board of undecided what to do with romantic BPD.  Frankly they all seem to think that BPD relationships need to be ended entirely,   my wife of 13 yrs and five kids was just diagnosis ed with BPD.  I have my own apartment for th last two months  and any conversation with my wife sends her into a tailspin.  She has been in crisis for the whole time.  It feels like more BPD manipulating, same as a good part of our relationship, but this time it might actually be just trying to fix herself.  She doesn't seem to be doing well. 

Anyways the other message board was full of negative and start over.  Is there hope for a rebirth healthy?  Are there success stories ouT there.  Or is the only answer unless you want to punish yourself forever leave?

I can't just walk away with a clear conscious from a thirteen year marriage and five kids after only two months of crisis, when my wife for the first time is seeking professional help.  But the limbo is killing me and the unknown.  I am damaged by this relationship and wonder if I will ever actually matter in this relationship.  I don't want to sit in limbo only to find out what others on this board are telling me, there is no way it will ever work out properly leave now... .

Any positive out there for staying and actually fixing properly?

My wife said they put her on med any idea what?  she won't tell me.

One other question I have been going to a local walking therapy clinic and they are nice and a little helpful.   I've asked them repeatedly if they know of someone who can treat a BPD non, or even know what issues there are, with limited success. Are there key words or therapists with special designations that I should be asking for, it would be awesome if I could walk in somewhere and they could tell me my major problems from being a non BPD an start treatment effectively... .

Good move coming over here. I went on the legal board to get help with dealing with H's divorce filing, and was attacked for wanting to fix it, being told "this is the board for when it's over." I pointed out that there is another board for "leaving" and that is the board for ANY legal advice. Came back here and never looked back!

My guess is antidepressants to regulate her? I think there's not a lot of other meds they put BPDs on.

You're in the right place. You'll hear some pretty amazing stories here. You're right to give it time. Your kids and YOU deserve that. Hang in there and welcome.

Hello Tarzan, a big welcome   and a virtual hug from the Staying board, 

This is most definitely the place to come and explore options about what it means for you to stay in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

I am really sorry to hear how difficult and confusing things have been for you and your family. It sounds overwhelming, and I understand feeling overwhelmed by all that a diagnosis of BPD can bring to a family.

I came to this forum lost and confused with my husband in and out of crisis, we have a young son, I was very lost. Fast forward two years, my husband is no longer in crisis and I am in a very different headspace emotionally. There isn't an easy quick fix solution, or any guarantees that any relationship will work, but the support, advice and information gained through the members here really can make a positive difference for you. It did for me.

From what you post you and your wife are living separately, is that right?

Medication prescribed for your wife could be from a wide range of medications, depending on her presenting symptoms, there is no one medication as such for BPD, prescribing tends to be symptom led rather than diagnosis led.

I can hear that you are actively looking for help, the walk-in centre sounds like a great first step. Many people on here have an individual therapist, would this be a possibility for you? It is definitely something that is encouraged on here. If it is you can discuss with a therapist whether they are experienced in working with and understanding BPD. Many are. You can then choose accordingly.

It's ok not to want to walk away, you have a wife of 13 years and children, that is a big deal. What Staying will look like for you might mean reframing your expectations of your marriage. Given that your wife has just been diagnosed with a serious mental illness, living with this has and will continue to effect your  family in many different ways. My experience of my husbands mental illness changed for me my views on what it meant for me to stay. I looked first to myself and started the changes there.

Posting on here is a great start to staying.

Hi Tarzan,

I want to welcome you to the staying board.   If you take a quick peek at the top of the staying board there is a topic that details what this board is all about.  Please click this link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0)

At the bottom of the link I just gave you is another link.   This one is to The Lessons.   Start with the lessons, stay with the lessons, revisit the lessons,  :)  you can never go wrong if you are reading the Lessons.

Some of the other boards do have a different flavor.   They are full of people in various stages of crisis, dealing with various degrees of mental illness.   You need to find where you feel comfortable and what works for you.

This is what I always say when this topic comes up.   Staying or going is a uniquely personal decision based on our own individual set of complex circumstances.  It is not one size fits all.

I made the decision to stay, and I made the decision to work the lessons and tools to make me as healthy as I could be.  I am happy with where we are as a couple today.   It's not a perfect r/s by any stretch of the imagination and we work hard at it but there is no crisis, no rage, and we understand each other.

I suppose the short answer to your question is, it depends on your definition of "fixing properly".

As to your wife's medications.   BPD is often diagnosed comorbid with other illness on the B-axis of mental health. The medication could be any number of drugs used off label to regulate mood.    If she won't tell you I strongly suggest you leave it alone for now.   

Keep coming back here and posting.   There is a lot to learn.   And we gain wisdom and strength from our shared experiences.

'ducks

*welcome*

The idea of this board is to work at making things as smooth as you can while you are in a relationship regardless of long term goals or results. It is about finding what your options are to improve your life, so you can eventually decide which way to go.

You will find the focus is more on you and what you can do to ease your pain, improve your environment and in return in support your wife, rather than actually trying to "fix" her.

After diagnosis and during attempts at finding treatment options things will get quite difficult. It is a chaotic and stressful time for a pwBPD

As others have suggested work your way through the lessons to get some perspective.

There are success stories, often however these involve adapting to a "different" way of living a relationship, rather than 'curing' the pwBPD

Waverider

Hi Tarzan,

I think it's great that you are considering your own needs and are actively looking for a good therapist.  The pwBPD in my life was dating a man who never even bothered to research BPD after her diagnosis.  She kept up her BPD behaviors,  and he kept making his own mistakes (no validation,  poor boundaries).   Now,  they are broken up. Having said that, I set up boundaries and tried validation,  and she's currently not speaking to me.

I recently read an article about finding a therapist for a pwBPD, and some of it can be applied to finding a therapist for a Non.  One of the things they suggested is first bringing up BPD and then seeing how the therapist reacts.  If he or she pauses or seems unsure, it's probably because of no experience or bad experiences.

At a local mental health place near me,  some of the therapists who do DBT also do counseling for couples and individuals.

Tarzan,

You are not alone here.  My wife of twelve years was diagnosed alittle over a year ago and we have 5 kids too.  She is classic BPD and has been expressing all the traits for the last 6-7 years.  I agree most sites say get out of the relationship.  I find that even in sites for "staying", most folks seem to be leaving or have left.  The folks that are much doing better and hypeing the attitudes/skills are the ones who already left.  I surmise there is a strong correlation, especially where marriage and kids are involved.  It can be greatly discouraging. I wouldn't let that stop you from at least trying to hold it together and see what happens, though.

My wife and I are still together, living in the same house and raising the kids together.  In many ways it feels like raising another child (early teen).  So far I've been able to navigate the BPD waters.  I've improved alittle.  I feel less bewildered and more in control.  Since I'm alittle better, the relationship has improved alittle, and therefore my wife has improved alittle.  After a herculean effort, I was able to get her into a DBT program after about a year and she seems to be coming to grips with the diagnosis.  She is still pretty sick and we play whack a mole with the BPD behaviors. Whether she recovers or not remains to be seen.  My goal is to get my five kids across the finish line most intact.  If that involves staying, I'll stay provided the few major boundaries I've set for myself are not breeched (fideilty, solvency, physical/constant verbal abuse, substance abuse).  If that involves her leaving, she can leave and trying to make a better life for herself.  I've come to terms with either case.

One observation.  BPD and all, my wife and I did somewhat well after kid 1 and kid 2.  BPD was active, but not chaotic, and it was relatively easy to handle by being a loving husband.  After kid 3, though, she really started sputtering and going down hill.  After kids 4 and 5, she totally crashed.  Caring for the kids is a big difficulty for her and keeps her constantly triggered.  I doubt this will change until the kids get older and she can have more independence.

Welcome Tarzan! I'm glad you found this board. The people here are kind and supportive. I also am staying to try to minimize the damage to our children. Reading the lessons, practice, trial and error, and continuing to regularly re-read the lessons will help you immensely! Hang in there!

Hi Tarzan,


targeted therapy when pursued for some time has a good chance of having a lasting impact on a pwBPD. Please be aware that typically the beginning of therapy is often making matters more confusing for the pwBPD and thus for us.

If your wife is keeping medication info from you - that is her right. There is not any medication that helps with BPD per-se but some can help to stabilize by lowering symptoms (anxiety etc.).

Dealing with uncertainty is difficult. There is not much you can do about uncertainty at the moment - attempts to control the uncontrollable usually make matters worse. Best is to take this separation as a break from the drama and figure out how to deal better with the stress of the relationship. These relationship are exhausting and having a good support system and self care routines are vital. Right now some space may be the best for both parties.

*welcome* to the Staying board,

a0