BPDFamily.com

Technically, I'm still undecided, mostly because exbffBPD is holding the cards right now.  A few months ago, I was told not to contact her and to stay out of her life.  Then, she wrote me a letter.  A few weeks later, she texted me.  I texted her the other day.  She replied.  I replied to her, she didn't like what I had to say, so she's giving me the silent treatment again.   

I'm honestly the only person in her life who is willing to research BPD. Everyone else either doesn't know she has it or knows she has it and doesn't feel like dealing with it.

But anyway, she once asked me,  "Am I broken?" This was months ago,  and I said,  "No, of course not!"  Obviously, I invalidated her,  which wasn't good.   But after her suicide attempt,  she mentioned that her mind is broken.  This was in her letter,  so I didn't reply.  But later, I told her I want her to commit to therapy and heal her mind. But that just makes me look like I'm telling her she's crazy, so she ignores me.

If she mentions this to me again, what should I say?  I'm trying to stay in her life, even if it's from the sidelines for now.  I've seen her at her worst and am still willing to talk to her, unlike others in her life.  I'm not really painted black (if I was, she wouldn't still have my number and wouldn't give me updates on her life,  which she told me to stay out of), but I'm also no longer a friend.  It's so tough.

I was asked by my BPDxw if she was broken and I answered the same way, "Of course not!"  Now that was before I knew about BPD, but I did answer that way to also avoid an argument.

Knowing about BPD now, if asked again, I would say something like, "The fact you are asking that question speaks volumes.  I think it would be a good idea to explore that question and why you are asking it with someone who can really help you find answers.  Someone like a therapist.  If you would like, I would be happy to meet one with you."

You don't need to make a hard sell, nor defend your statements if she gets defensive.  If she turns down the idea either peacefully or forcefully, you can simply say, "Well, if you do ever change your mind, you can always take me up on my offer to go along."

Sometimes you need to plant a seed in a pwBPD's head.  Then it's up to them to water it, give it sunshine and hopefully let it grow.

Thanks for the response, HopefulDad.

It's tough being in a friendship (ex-friendship, as of now) with her because she's always chasing after someone to date.  So,  I hope I didn't blow my chance.

She was in the psych ward and said she wanted to go to therapy.  Two days later,  she went and filled out paperwork.  I don't know where she went and if they even have DBT there.  But really, it kind of seems like she looked up therapists near her and picked one.  She was in "I want to get better" mode but didn't research the best options for BPD.  She went a few times and then stopped.

It's tough.  Notice I said BPDxw.

My relationship with her has changed.  While our lives have effectively diverged, I do care about her and want her to get the help she needs... .but only if she wants it herself.  So I've resolved to be there for her in that capacity.  If she comes to me and says she wants that help, I'll do what I can.  That doesn't mean I'm going to bend over backwards, allow her to cross the boundaries I've established or give her any hint that this is a way to try and win me back if that is her ulterior motive.  I just want a healthy mother for our children and will capitalize on any opportunity she presents where she is on the road to making that happen.

You can be there for your friend without being her doormat or punching bag.  Set up some needed boundaries.  Enforce them.  Let her get the extinction bursts out of her system as you enforce them.  Maybe she never will and you will never interact with her... .until the next time she is seeking help, then you act like the true friend she needs.