BPDFamily.com

Hi---

  I am trying to sort through things, and reading about BPD. I read a lot about "rapprochement"--- the childhood phase where toddlers separate from mother and then turn around and seek to reunite with her... .

  I am curious---is this the main reason BPDs typically seek out an ex when they have a breakup, instead of seeking out a new person?

  Other reasons I can think of are:

---An ex once liked them, so it would be more of a "sure bet" than risking a new person

---An ex may have put up with their BPD nonsense, but they know a new person might not put up with it

---It's part of the "push-pull"----they pushed the ex away and now they try to pull the ex close (a new person had never been pushed away)

---It's part of splitting---for awhile they saw the ex as "all bad" but with time, they split the ex as "all good" and then want them back

---They break up, suddenly find themselves alone, and will then suddenly split the ex as "all good" and then try to win them back

  Any experience or thoughts on understanding this?

   

I think you got it shatra:

1. it's familiar

2. ex can be split white when the pwBPD is feeling their true-self due to the b/u. Anyone would be split white if it meant not feeling the responsibility and pain

3. ex's with weak boundaries (as they will be orbiting anyway) will do everything within their ability to validate and soothe the pwBPD, which is comforting

4. Triangulation: an ex can be easily changed from the role of 'persecutor' to 'savior.' I suppose splitting can be applied as well

Shatra,

You're learning a lot and and I would agree with both you & rotiroti ... .rapprochement, sure bet, triangulation, painted white once again. It's very much like a toddler, it's strange behavior coming from someone who might be college educated and you sit back and rack your brain how can someone so smart behave like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My exBPDgf has two masters, works at a very high level for a major corporation but still behaves at time like a 3 year old ... .it can be so mentally draining and frustrating that all you want is a "normal' relationship with this person and live a good life and it seems that all we do is raise a 3 year old and teach them how to behave.

I'm currently painted black ... .and it's making easier with each passing day to put this relationship behind me ... .30 days makes a habit ... .8 days down of no texting & no phone calls ... .22 to go 

Please do come back Shatra and share what else you're learning and share with the group. What is your source for your information ... .can you share with the group?

JQ

I would be interested in more information too.

 

Totally a guess... .but I bet is it because there is familiarity... .and the pwBPD can paint the ex (who probably was black... .because and ex)... .white and the drop of a hat... .and rewrite history.

pwBPD tend to like comfortable patters (IMO) ... .so I could see some of them being scared about meeting new people.

FF

Shatra,

My first exBPDgf from 18 years ago was classic at this and still is. At the time I only knew about bipolar, manic depression, paranoid s. and thought she had all three. It's only been since I learned this girlfriend told me she was diagnosed as a BPD did I apply that standard to the first one. I thought I had shook her off my tail finally since I didn't hear from her in 18 years. Only after my second divorce did she reach out to me via my phone number she got from my BPD mother & sister ... .the process started all over again.

She has been living with one bf for 16 years, and has a second bf for sexual encounters only. My mother told me I should go out with her, among other things. One night she blew up at me for saying no, refusing her advances in my moms house. Yelling at the top of her voice all kinds of vile nasty things while I stood there motionless, and with no reaction to her antics. She then she made physical contact, I recovered and continue NOT to react to her antics. She then went in apologized to my mom and left. The next day she called me to talk about subjects as if nothing had happened. Really?

She will never agree to any type of counseling, help or a therapist as she believes with every cell in her body that there is nothing wrong with her. There is no chance for any type of relationship with her even on a friendly level. Everything you mention is in both exBPD gas and actually my mother & sister as well. I found the best way to deal with that many people that are BPD in my life is to move 1/2 way across the country ... . lol    

Knowledge is power ... .

JQ

Form flier,

I can see the logic in that. My 2nd BPD exgf reach out to me after her second divorce ... .25 years after I last spoke with her. She has sext, text, phone sex an ex bf from 25 years ago along with more recent ex bf's. She has tried the online dating thing with no results ... .and I think you're right with the scared about meeting new people. There is something to be said about familiarity ... .

JQ

Hi

Thanks for the replies.

Neveragain wrote--

ex's with weak boundaries (as they will be orbiting anyway) will do everything within their ability to validate and soothe the pwBPD, which is comforting

----Sounds accurate---the BP would look for soothing from someone who is more of a "sure bet" to provide it for awhile... .an ex, as opposed to risking rejection by a new person.   "They will be orbiting anyway"-----can u clarify? I thought orbiting meant the BP starts circling around the ex, moving in the ex's direction to see if the ex is available and interested. Does the non do orbiting?

Formflier wrote-

paint the ex (who probably was black... .because and ex)... .white and the drop of a hat... .and rewrite history.

JQ yes I agree with your reasons for them choosing an ex rather than a new person... .I got my info from experience, and from reading about BPD.  It seems that no matter what the breakup was like (anything from screaming rages, threats to the non if the non contacts the BP again, to civil goodbyes, to the BP stating they will never call the non again, sooner or later the BP looks to contact the ex again)... .

   You wrote that 25 years later the BP tried to reunite with you? That's the longest gap I've heard of!

Group,

exBPDgf #2 contacted me 2 1/2 years ago and it's been a roll coaster ride ever sense. From having my heart broken to understanding more about BPD then I ever wanted to. I guess it's also help me discover to a deeper extent that I am and or was a codependent ... .lets call it a work in progress. I was the knight in armor coming to her rescue after a failed marriage, exbf#1 went south too. I had no idea what I was getting myself into ... .she was a friend from high school that I had lost touch with. Events since that point have been nothing but disastrous, I've spent thousands of dollars, move 1/2 way across the country and back again after things blew up. She throws out hints every once in awhile to include a peace offering just 14 days ago that she wanted to start over ... .I haven't spoken to her in 10 days, her choice not mine. She went on vacation with the girls and has spent the last 3 days with her current bf. So ... .I'm really trying not to buy what she's selling.

exBPDgf #2 showed up after she had wormed her way into my moms & sisters life. I know I sound paranoid right? She called / texted me after my divorce. And continues to text me ... .the last that I saw her was that was 18 years ago ... .until she reentered my life 8 months ago. She's the more dangerous one and the reason I have a concealed carry permit.

Is it just me or does the group have the same experience that I've noticed is that someone with BPD doesn't have a real sense of time passing ... .like 25 years ago was last month?  With the most recent exBPDgf#2 I still have feelings, deep feelings for her and would find it hard to break things off completely ... .but each day without her text or calling makes it easier for me to let go. I'm concerned that if ... .I'm sorry WHEN she calls or text that I will be weak and accept what she hands me in the sense of a false relationship ... .but I'm trying to keep in mind all the times she lied, deceived me, and a host of other feelings which makes it easier to let go for good.  And that this offer of starting over again is yet another false sense of a relationship in which case its easier to say good bye ... .I did it with exBPDgf @1, I can do it with #2. total no contact.

It's hard like what you and everyone else in the group is experiences ... .when we were together there were amazing moments ... .but like I ask everyone else ... .is it enough to stay in this relationship? I don't know? I really don't know? i concur with your readings ... .we broke up in more than one rage ... .more then one text ... .more then one phone call ... .more then one civil good bye ... .less then 24 hours she would text or call and tell me she loved me, she was sorry, that she wanted to see me as soon as she could ... .sometimes it might be a couple of days ... .never longer then two weeks though.

as I said, I haven't heard from her 9 days ... .21 days to go (30 days makes a habit) ... .so I've decided to conduct an experiment to see how long she will hold out not contacting me ... .even though 14 days ago she told me she wanted to start over ... .it's kind of hard to go back to being friends after you've told someone you love them ... .I like to move forward in life ... .not backwards.

exBPDgf #1 is beyond help. In addition she's fought a couple of round of cancer with no family left or that will acknowledge her because of her BPD so she fought the cancer alone for the last 4 years. My BPD mom has "adopted" her and they are a  pair for each other ... .I have no ... .NO feelings for her and have told her so, I in no way want to sleep with her & that just seems to make things worse and she won't give up ... .She's a cancer survivor ... .I'm human ... .it's hard to turn away a cry for help ... .

Time for me to dive into more books 

Thank you for sharing your readings, knowledge and your    they all help me more then any of you can possibly imagine.

JQ

 Formflier wrote-

paint the ex (who probably was black... .because and ex)... .white and the drop of a hat... .and rewrite history.

----Yes, their views/feelings of the person shift 180 degrees ---totally, as they split us black or white. And these feelings can shift suddenly.  Rewriting history---could be a combination of gaslighting , and also changing "facts" to be in line with the current feeling of seeing the person as all good or all bad

Shatra

Ah I meant orbiters from the other end -- exes and romantic interests who orbit the pwBPD

Neveragain wrote---

Triangulation: an ex can be easily changed from the role of 'persecutor' to 'savior.' I suppose splitting can be applied as well

---I never realized this. That's true---it's as if "triangulation" can be done with just 2 people. The BPD sees them as persecutor, and then later on sees the same person as "savior"---it doesn't have to be 3 people

I'm also thinking that gaslighting is a factor----when they break up with someone then a year later they start gaslighting and changing the details of the breakup and the ex, rewriting history, and then---the ex is not seen as so bad, and after all they had some good times, and boom---the BPD attempts a charm

With a new person, there is the potential to reinvent themselves - an opportunity to have a clean slate - plus the thrill of the chase. My guess is after seeing the grass isn't greener (or even being rejected or engulfed by someone new), there is an immediate comfort (self-soothing) returning to an ex who loved and accepted them as they are.