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When my friend feels like I have been ignoring him, he becomes upset and begins to pick apart anything I say in my defense. If I don't defend myself, then that's a sign that I've finally given up on him like everybody else. Sometimes I get through to him, but then he turns all of it on himself. For example, he might say, "I messed up again because I'm completely broken and there's no fixing me." My question is this:  is this a statement of true humility or just another way to manipulate?

I have been working on the SET-UP method of communication and it's definitely working but I still need more practice.

I want my friend to get better, but he has to take responsibility for his actions.

Thanks!

CRMC

I'm new to all this, but my instinct is that when a pwBPD say something like that, it's painting himself black the same way he does to you and others. He really believes it in that moment, but I don't think it's mature or nuanced enough to count as "humility." It's not intentionally manipulative, just a reflection of his black-and-white thinking and his lack of a sense of self.

I've heard very similar statements from my partner and from my father, who is definitely not BPD but maybe NPD or just general jerk. With my partner I can tell it's how she really feels about herself in that moment. With the non-BPD general jerk I can tell it's manipulative and he really still believes he's a god.

Interested to hear how others respond to this kind of statement. I find it really frustrating. I used to fight so hard to get her to see that the way she treated me was wrong, and it was so frustrating to get this kind of response instead of a genuine acknowledgement.

And out of curiosity, what are the UP in SET-UP?

I've been reading "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me" by Kreisman & Straus, which is where I read about SET-UP. U is for Understanding and P is for Perseverance. For others who may not know, S is for Support, E is for Empathy, and T is for Truth. This technique is effective but I need more practice.

Thanks for your reply. I suppose it's difficult for me to reconcile my friend's intellectualism with his emotional immaturity. He is so brilliant and rational most of the time. But when he feels slighted or is triggered by a disappointment he acts like a child who hasn't learned to control his emotions. He lashes out.