BPDFamily.com

Did it yesterday as I just can't do it anymore, and there's no real support available and nobody to help me with it so I just can't cope.

She hates me now and I guess I need to move over to the leaving boards again... .damn.

I'm so sorry. I too feel like I'm dealing with something no one else I know has to deal with. The couple people I confide in don't know how I put up with it, and keep saying things like "they hope I wake up", which doesn't really help. Trust me, I'm awake, and know what I'm dealing with. I'm working on my end of things too, but even so, not much I do or fix in myself seems to have much affect on BPDh or how he behaves. It can get overwhelming and discouraging.

I feel for you, and for where you are at now. Have you recycled before?

Yeah this was kind of a recycle (3rd one) , well we were talking again, she came back and said she missed me and couldn't bear to not be with me, and then it got to flirting then talking about feelings and eventually she was saying she loved me again, but it all happened over the last 6 weeks or so, I was ok for the first couple of weeks but after that I was thinking well you are saying all these things, but then doing the push/pull, only meeting up when there is a strict time limit, not making much effort etc. I had been struggling for the last 2 weeks quite badly and felt myself slipping back into old codependent ways.

People on the board were advising just stay calm, give plenty of space etc but sorry, I have been through 18 months of stress and turmoil and I just NEEDED her to for once tell me it was ok, and show me some care and affection. I know that's codependent to expect that but after everything I have been through I needed it and I knew I wasn't going to get it so I pulled the plug.

I am so depressed today, I even suggested being friends and I said i don't care it's ok if you get with someone else who you want more we can still be friends but i just get ignored.

so sorry buddy, i wish you well. done be a stranger

Hi Inferno,   

I can hear how difficult things are at the moment and how sad you are and I'm sorry you feel so bad.

What I have read in your posts is that you wanted 'a relationship' one that means you are together with someone just because... .that if you gave space and time then maybe a relationship might be possible. What I could hear loud and clear is that the dynamics of this relationship were extremely painful for you. Being in pain is not a good place for anyone to be, so ending the relationship sounds like a way to care of yourself emotionally. Like you said for you it has been 18 months of turmoil and that's a hard place to be, especially when you have only limited support.

Maybe Inferno you could post on the PI boards, if you know the process of leaving for you because of the recycles, how about exploring issues like codependency over there ? (when you are ready of course  )

Can you tell me how you plan to take care of yourself at the moment because things sound pretty raw, what helps ?

Keep posting.

Well I don't want to go on the leaving boards as they are very negative on BPD's and I don't want to be like that, it was me that ended it even though it wasn't what I wanted i just felt I had no choice, there is no support i couldn't and cant get any type of free counselling and i cant afford it right now on my budget so no chance there.

I am very, very sad today I had a cry earlier i'm a bit of a mess, however during our last split I did some self work addressing codependency so I am holding up better. I want a friendship I do still want her in my life but I felt like friendship could mean that it's not such a big part of my life and that way i could continue my self work, although I realise that could be hard. Really I just wanted us to be able to work together on ourselves, we both need to, i mean her more desperatley than me but only i'm willing.

I don't know what i'm going to do immidiate plan is just get through the next few days, I have work and i have to go to that, my living area is a real mess which always happens when I get depressed but I have no energy to clean it, honestly i have just been laying in bed the last two days checking my phone every 5 minutes because I want "that text", you know the one that says "i'm coming over, i love you and want to fix this" you know the one... .that NEVER comes.

I don't know what to do, she might reach out at some point, although it will likely only be half of what I want to hear but that's a worry. I think I need NC, but at the moment just some closure would be nice, but ahh. what am i saying, it's like i've learned nothing.

Hi Inferno

am right with you at this moment believe me. Yesterday was my worst day and loads of people from this site were here for me. I read so much and it really helped although at the time my thoughts were honestly " yeah yeah, I hear what you are saying but how do I stop this immediate devastating pain right now" and the answer was, they cant. I don't know how I got through it but here I am today. My house is not much short of a pig sty and my cat only got fed when she jumped on me and shouted in my face. Actually, she licked my tears off my chin which was a bit of welcome love. My work is suffering and I am going flat out today to catch up as I dont need unemployment to add to my problems. I too, carry my phone everywere with me praying for a text, sadly when it finally came it was a huge disappointment and hurt me more. I post on the leaving board because that is what I am attempting, well letting go really. I don't find them negative about BPD's, more realistic is what I find. Of course there are some who post who are still very hurt and come across as bitter but I think we all are from time to time as it is a way of coping. I am sounding more positive today but believe me it could swing back at any given moment. I have a feeling my ex will contact me later today or turn up at my door and am very ambivelant about it. Part of me wants to see love in his eyes and arms out to hold me and the other part knows it could be the cold anger (for me upsetting his life) and another chance to have a go and blame me for everything as usual. My view on pwBPD, is they are seriously ill and need love and compassion as much as we do however the reality is sometimes we hate them for what they are doing to us. I even wished him dead once which is awful but I concede I was pushed to the end of my strength by then. I wish you strength and love as we go through this my friend, take care and stay safe.   xx

I'm glad to see you posting Inferno, reaching out really matters.

I suspect the pain you feel right now will allow for little in the way of learning at the moment,  some healing is necessary in the short term. Being sad is ok, wallowing is ok, mess is ok. I understand not being able to function when something hurts so much. Staying, Undecided and Leaving all share a sense of that pain.

It's good to hear work is continuing.

When you say there is no support what do you mean?

Do you have friends that you can be with, family? I don't mean to talk about this with necessarily, just maybe spend time with... .

Hi Inferno

Sounds like you did what felt best for you.  Maybe in time that will be all the closure you'll need.

Have any idea what you'll do if she comes back?  I mean, is this the general pattern?

Is there a bowling alley nearby?  I've always found it therapeutic; something about throwing a ball down a lane and smashing those pins makes me feel better.  Especially as I shift from seeing the pins as faces, to begin focusing on my form.

We're here

It you can't change dynamics and she can't change hers, the same old problems repeat. Right?

Do you think her approach to the relationship is simply how it feels comfortable to her (not justifying)?

Why does she limit the time together?

Yeah she usually comes back within a few days to a few weeks.  I don't know what I'll do,  I certainly can't go back to "this"


I don't know skip that's the problem.  If I knew there wouldn't be a problem.

She's never had problems with limiting time in the past, first go round she couldn't spend enough time with me. The guy in between our first two cycles she moved in with after 2 months.

But me, now... . I can't even have an evening once a week. Is there someone else?  Am i being led on for validation? Who knows.

I can learn all the techniques but the fact remains,  she simply won't spend any time together, hence there is no relationship,  hence I can't carry on like this.

Yea, that does sound pretty crappy.  I hope things get easier for you.

Yeah I am ready to start working on myself, I have needed to for a while, im gutted but not destroyed, so it's time to focus on me and what I Need to do