BPDFamily.com

I just wanted to thank everybody on here. My life has been really crazy these last couple of months, but everybody on here has helped me to start caring about myself and my happiness again. The tips and tactics shared have really helped me.

Unfortunately, last night, I discovered irrefutable evidence showing that my wife's affair either never stopped or has started back up again. When asked about it, she gave me lie after lie after lie. We had MC last week, but she did not do a single thing that the counselor suggested. I don't see the point in continuing to pay $110/session for counseling that she does not take seriously whatsoever. It is heartbreaking to me, but it has become apparent that she won't be changing anytime soon and after everything that I have given over the last two months I can't handle anymore.

I know two months isn't that long, but six weeks ago we successfully identified all of the issues that plagued our marriage and got us to this point. Every resource I could find online said that we had done everything that we should do to end the separation and move forward with the marriage... .but she never came back and her affair either never stopped or has resumed three times after she called it off. Either way, it is pointless to keep chasing.

Even though this is the staying board, I feel like the things all of you helped me learn about myself will also make leaving much easier. I didn't want to have any regrets with my marriage. I didn't want to ever look back at a single thing and have even a shred of guilt about any action that I took. All of you on here helped me to realize that and helped me to take actions that have given me complete serenity about walking away from my marriage now.

It is very sad to me, but thanks to all of you, I will be okay.

So sorry to hear that TS.  It's understandable that the affair was your "line in the sand" and would do the same thing if it were me.  Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with that part of BPD and hopefully never will.

sorry bud

good luck 

I know this hurts.

This is the staying board, but I think that all of us here have bottom line boundaries about things we value in a relationship.

I think it is helpful to feel that you did your best before coming to this conclusion. Even when dissolving a marriage, couples are not completely apart- they have to come together to discuss the process. As you can imagine, these discussions are painful and emotional, and using the tools could help with heated arguments.

If there are children, learning healthy ways to communicate will help as there will be ongoing contact with the other parent.

The skills we learn here in our relationships can help us in all of our relationships, and I hope you will find what you learned to be useful in the events to come.

Best wishes to you.

   

I'm so sorry you've had to come to this decision, but I applaud your clarity. I, too, had a spouse who was a pwBPD and who lied and cheated on me. I spent far too many years giving him chance after chance to change. Finally, when I made the break, it was with ultimate certainty and I never, not for a moment, regretted my decision. Not to say it wasn't hard, but now my life is so much better, even with another BPD spouse.  lol

I'm sorry things are developing this way for you turbo.   

I hope you find good and positive things in your future.

I'm so sorry that things didn't work out as you wanted, but at least you know how hard you tried. I'm one of those "leave no stone unturned" types too. Just a short word of warning, if she hasn't already done this to you previously: when she gets wind that the tides have turned, and that you really are okay or at least serious about moving on, she's liable to change her tune, and realize what she's giving up.

I never thought BPDh would end up back together after HE left, and he's still upset and indignant that I filed for divorce(after repeated attempts to get him to want to reconcile and work on things). It can either be a new starting point, or a time you need to have real resolve to not get sucked back in.

Hugs, and know we are here for you, and I admire your strength.

Thanks everybody.

I can definitely relate to this bit right here. I blocked her numbers and when she tried to call me yesterday, she realized that. She was not happy. I explained where I was, told her that I didn't hate her/hold a grudge, didn't think she was a bad person, and that I would always love her but wouldn't be with her while I wasn't the most important man in her life.

A few hours after I said that and we started making plans to move the divorce forward, she insisted on trying to do something to help me out last night. I agreed to let her help, but my heart is closed to her.

I think that she will try to see me every night this week, but I won't open up to her. Her new bf/lover/affair partner works with her and I know she won't give up that job to be with me. So, I know it is useless to try with her because anytime I do or don't do something that causes her to paint me black, she'll go right back to him.

I have to stay strong, and I will. I have suffered too much already and I feel so much better now that I'm not concerned whatsoever about getting back together with her.