BPDFamily.com

Just pulling a quote from Formfliers stroller thread


2 Aspects being aware of BPD and respective coping tools could have.

1 As we change our ways of dealing with people there is a likelhood that we do not inadvertently trigger PD type responses from people we meet and hence are less exposed and unaware of these traits in people who have triggers just waiting to be stepped on

2 A person who is already triggered will stand out like a sore thumb to us. Others may just think they are odd or inappropriate while we have the red flags flapping and we are ready with a label to slap on them, even if we are actually wrong, we believe we have the insider easy answer.

I went through a stage where I felt like I was was slapping the label on almost everyone.

So my question is do you feel you subconsciously manage to walk life's path without setting off hidden BPD mines (blissfully unaffected), or are you seeing unexploded BPD bombs littered everywhere which can make you paranoid?

How do we keep this in perspective? Obsession with BPD and it consequenses can cripple our lives almost as much as the direct affects of the Disorder itself.

How do you turn your sensitivity radar down so it doesn't overload you with clutter?

Actually using the tools I've learned here, I seem to have a much easier time with everyone. Now that I'm more aware of other people's emotional states, I can calibrate my responses better, rather than merely reacting unconsciously with established patterns.

I am developing more compassion for everyone, realizing that life deals all of us struggles and challenges and that I don't know the answers for myself at times so how can I possibly know what someone else should be doing?

I've often been quick to judge and think I know better. I'm now embarrassed when I catch myself doing that.

I think most of all, learning about BPD has helped me be a better, kinder, gentler, more thoughtful person to everyone I meet.

I'm very grateful to all of you here.   

Me too. Before exposure to this forum and the wonderful resources and people it offers insight from, I would have been quick to play either--or maybe even both  --of the parts played in the $30 stroller thread. Now I get to avoid nearly all of that.

Thank you, bpdfamily.com.

I like this turn of phrase. 

Since learning about BPD, coming here, reading, and doing my own therapy work, I have gotten a lot more accepting than I was in the past.  Accepting of me, and the people around me.   I still have a long way to go but that's okay.    :)

Frequently I say to myself, it's not my circus not my monkeys.

And if it is my circus and or my monkeys, then I tend to say, it is what it is.

The real benefits come once it all starts to happen subconsciously, applying the tools becomes less effort, and indeed you don't kick yourself when you choose not too. You can't fix the world's problems nor jump at shadows and maybes.

I've noticed this as well... .that instead of thinking about exactly what to say... .I will kinda go on autopilot... .and when the danger has passed... .then I kind of look back over what happened... .and think about changes in strategies for the future.

Maybe that is another tipping point...

Where you stop trying to figure out the exact right thing to say... .and just understand broadly what a situation needs (such as don't take bait, validate, walk away... .etc etc) and go in that direction. 

I remember being paralyzed and not doing anything... .because... .what if I said the wrong thing... .?

Now... .have an oopsie... clean it up and move on.

FF

I don't know if it is BPD awareness or awareness of triggers and drama- and being on the triangle. I don't think these dynamics are exclusive to BPD. I am hesitant to consider that without having enough information about a person.  I think that such diagnoses should be the realm of a professional, even if we are familiar with BPD and I don't think being familiar with BPD gives us license to use that term for others as it could limit our view of them.

I also think BPD is a spectrum and that, in the right circumstances, anyone can act a bit BPD ish. A person who is having a bad day could be over emotional and reactive, but that doesn't mean they have BPD.

What I am more aware of is patterns, drama, and when I am triggered.

One of the most useful pieces of information I have used is not to JADE.

With time, and for me, that is years, along with MC, and co-dependency groups, as WW mentioned some of the tools are becoming subconscious. A while back, I was visiting the family. ( drama potential).  My brother and I were in a room, doing something on our laptops. Mom came in and got into it with bro. Bro started JADEing and the two of them were at it.

This was the setting for a triangle. Mom was the persecutor, Bro was the victim. Now, this is my baby Bro, even though we are middle age adults. My default setting would be to jump in and rescue baby Bro. The result would be that mom would move into victim mode, with me and bro seen as ganging up on her. Then it would be a scene.

I don't know why, but this time I thought "well this is annoying, but it is none of my business, I'll just let these two go at it" and kept on doing what I was doing.

It was only afterwards that I realized the change in how I reacted. Now, this isn't 100% all the time. I still have to work on "rescuing". It's progress, not perfection, but still, it is a noticeable change.

|iiii

Kind of defeats the purpose if you have an anxiety attack about what you should or shouldn't have done.

Sometimes I have dealt with a "BPD  moment" moved on without even realizing it at the time.

I have also started to note the difference between BPD like traits in others, which the tools help with, without jumping to the conclusion they must be BPD. Just heighten human emotions, like we all have from time to time.

I've noticed that I've been a bit more aware of people who might have personality disorders and have been able to tailor my responses  to them so that I don't trigger them.

I've also noticed that I don't get triggered as easily by odd behavior.

Like Notwendy I don't see people in the world as sets of behaviours to be diagnosed, just that we can all exhibit increased erratic behaviours anytime anyplace when triggered.

What coming here has helped me with in all areas of my life is to be more tolerant and balanced in the world, especially with my FOO.

The ability not to JADE, trying to listen for points to validate has been nothing short of amazing.

I'm still a bit clumsy with the skills, but they work. I use them with my s7, anywhere I can really, I like myself more when I do this, it feels great. :)

I suppose though because of my clinical background I was less likely to see the diagnosis outside my relationship because I knew about it anyway. It's just a shame I didn't understand more about how it played out in relationships. *)

For the most part, I believe people are doing the best they can on any given day.  Someone might take a sharp tone or be uncomfortably reserved, so I chalk it up to them having a bad day.  It's when I begin to recognize patterns and trends that I start taking notice.  Then I try to take a step back, so as not to be lulled into unnecessary dramatics, because it is me who is beginning to "judge".

Having grown up in dysfunction, I think I'm pretty good at recognizing dysfunction.  The problem is, it's all around!  I'm certainly not going to bring down the gavel in every interaction with some of these folks, that would wear me out, not to mention, a very good way to push people away and make myself look petty = clutter later on, as I rehash in my mind everything that went down ad nauseam.  But I can think whatever I want to in the moment, validate my experience, ask questions, accept people as they are, then decide how I wish to proceed.

Boundaries are truly the best things since sliced bread.  Not only my own, but recognizing them in others and learning not to be a boundary-buster. 

When I came to bpdfamily, I had virtually no boundaries; anything goes, it's a free-for-all!  I was caught in chaos.  While there is still dysfunction in my life, it isn't all-consuming, it's accepted.

That is the biggest difference; not trying to change what is so absolutely out of my control.

I've become less controlling of others and better at controlling myself.  But, it's still there and I'm fine with it, because I can recognize my own patterns and trends and choose a different approach... .or not.

I try not to get bogged down by the details, the essence usually becomes quite apparent.