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Why is it our intentions get so misunderstood?

Today we had an event where he was a speaker. Our event got press. I emailed him the article.

His response: "F it."

Then an angry call accusing me of trying to upset him. How could I send this to him? Did I not even consider how that would make him FEEL?

Scratched my head... .put on my validation cap. After listening to a long rant, I validated that the newspaper didn't do any press on the event HE organized earlier this year, which was much larger, and how unfair it must feel. (He didn't organize today's but still participated). And then apologized for not considering how the article might affect him.

In truth, how on earth could I possibly predict that reaction? And why would he think I meant any harm?

I think there is a trigger... .my boyfriend was physically abused, beaten by his father all during his childhood.  And emotionally abandoned by his mother.  So if I bring up something, that triggers something, and maybe he is really tired, or stressed from work, or hungry and hypoglycemic, he can go into a state.  It ALWAYS surprises me when he goes off. 

I also have to listen to rants, and I really don't like them, I have hung up on him more that I can tell you, just because it's so boring!  And demeaning!  I don't like to be lectured! 

what do you mean by validation cap?

Validation cap, like a thinking hat  :)... .went into validation mode where I mostly listened so I could figure out where he was coming from, then validate his emotions. Sometimes hard to find in the middle of accusations and a rant about how EVERYONE disrespects him.

UPDATE: He apologized for his rants and blowing up at me. Earlier he said I was being spiteful, now saying he knew I meant well. Bluesnail nailed it - he was triggered by a lot of other stressors in his life (I got a text about a mile long listing everything).

I feel for him, but I also get tired of being blindsided by crazy overreactions to innocent things I say or do. He's been a lot better at not going psycho on me, but he's been slowly unraveling all week (from angry to crying, back and forth from angry to depressed). So I've been going back and forth too from feeling hurt/offended to trying not to take it personal and validate him. It's draining. I'm hoping today was the big bang he needed and things will be calm again for awhile.

 

I suspect I had a similar thing today... .because the actual stuff my wife was complaining about was ridiculous... .she contradicted herself while making her point... .

I really should have had my validation hat handy... .didn't do too well with that... .

FF

I think you did ok, FF. How can you validate what you don't understand?

I learned (especially today) to shut up and listen when he gets like this in hopes that if he talks long enough, he'll reveal his real emotions, and I can learn what's really bothering him. A lot of times what he's complaining about it is just that - but sometimes it's something that has nothing to do with what he's actually saying, but some weird tangent that's somehow related to the complaint. Sorry I can't articulate that better... my brain is scrambled today!

My H does this often. I feel like a detective sometimes... .trying to hear or identify was he's really mad about. Sometimes, even he doesn't know right away.

@bluesnail I go through that, too. I have been practicing active listening ad opposed to just listening with the intent to answer. That reduces the time of the lectures. But because of BPD, he needs to vent. He needs to get this stuff out. I am his sounding board, so I get to hear it all.

One of his favorite mantras when he's in this agitated state is "It's not fair and it's not right! It's not fair and it's not right!" ... .like dude... .tell me about it.

Omg ColdEthyl, that is the exact same expression I hear: "It's not fair and it's not right". Oh the injustices and how the whole world is against him.

And you are so right about their need to vent. Yesterday he called me 4 times in a row - the last call was to vent some more because I guess he wasn't done the first 3 times!  lol  Turned out what he started out being mad about was really only the trigger, and it took him talking it out for even him to realize why he was actually so upset. Once he got himself there, I was better able to validate him.

He did thank me and even apologized saying "I'm sorry to keep calling, I have no one else to vent to!" Not that it works both ways. I can't vent much to him. He practically sets an egg timer and it's usually under 2 minutes before he starts to get frustrated.  

lol yep... .it's rare that I'm allowed to vent. I have learned that it's because even MY feelings are magnified for him. The past few weeks we have been bumping heads over him claiming I'm mad, and me JADEing that I'm not... .or just slightly irritated and it's not even remotely directed at him.

The other night when he was dysregulating, I asked him to help me what happened the other night (long story short we were at bar watching football, drunk woman touched my husband. Wasn't angry at him at all, irritated at her but he took it as mad at him)

He said when I try to explain that I'm not mad when he "knows" I'm mad, it's like I'm calling him stupid. He says me saying I'm just a little mad or a little irritated is just splitting hairs... .either I'm mad or I'm not.

What that tells me is 1. We got that black/white thinking kicking in and 2. Even my slight irritation registers as full blown anger to him.

He cannot handle his own emotions... .nor mine.

We have gotten into plenty of things about when I come home, don't home homw 'angry' because it puts HIS mood out the rest of the night. My being angry to him is equivalent of me complaining about the traffic for 2 minutes then I'm over it.

I can tell the difference between slight irritation and anger... .he cannot.

lol that's so funny they use the same line!

That makes sense. Not seeing the difference between slight irritation and anger. And also not seeing the difference when it's anger that has nothing to do with them, but they assume it is.

Do you ever get accused of "chewing him out" when you think you're just having a normal conversation? I really don't understand that accusation. If I go silent to avoid saying the wrong thing... .he takes that as anger... .if I resume the conversation, he takes that as anger. Most awkward and uncomfortable moments when this happens. I start fantasizing I'm a cartoon character that can paint a hole on the floor to jump into!

It's a version of the topic of the other thread: "I know what you're thinking."

My husband is so sure that I'm angry, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. I rarely get angry and when I do, I don't like to show it because I feel like it gives away my power. I'm one of those people who get chilly and removed rather than loud and demonstrative. Yet, when he starts needling me about being angry, I can feel myself starting to get the blood-boiling version of anger.

Lately, I've caught myself in time before I get more than slightly irritated and I tell him that he's crossing a line and I don't want to talk about my feelings right now. That usually gets him to back off, but sometimes I've got to repeat it or leave the room. (Then he's sure I'm angry.)

It's been self-fulfilling for me, too. I'm trying to take that power back from him. He feels bad... .he feels uncomfortable or mad, and he needs to poke/prod me till I blow up THEN he can go AHA! SEE! I KNEW you were mad!

It's along the same push/pull things they do around us leaving.

@Jessica84 Yes, I'm accused of all kinds of things on any given day. His accusations are based on fears/thoughts running through his head... .not by any action on my part. It's tough for me not to get frustrated. Who the heck wants to be accused of things they didn't do/say?

Cat and Ethyl - All we can do is try NOT to lose it when they push. I know the "SEE? I KNEW you were mad" ploy all too well. I know they don't do it on purpose, but it's hard to be pushed to anger when we were perfectly fine to begin with. I'm getting better at recognizing it and not taking the bait... .but there's times where walking away and leaving him alone is the best option. Sometimes the only option.

I hear ya, girl. It's all I can do sometimes, too. <3

When I get accused of being 'angry' repeatedly, I just say that I wasn't before, but I am getting angry because he is telling me what I feel. (works better than 'you are making me angry' That seems to diffuse him for a bit -- maybe he just gets confused... .