BPDFamily.com

I want so desperately for her to see the problem and seek to get it fixed.  I know this is unlikely.   But it is what I want.  She was sexually abused as a child, suffered anorexia as a teen and has been living with what two therapists agree is likely BPD since early adulthood.  10 years of this and I want change so badly but am afraid to leave because of children.

Hi Jefesmitty,

I don't know much about your situation, but I felt like I physically ached for my uBPD wife to see her problems, and I so much wanted her to want to get better.  I am a fixer, and I tried really hard to break through her denial.  I didn't realize that I was in denial about my own contribution to our bad marriage (I'm not accusing you here, this was my own problem-I'm pretty badly codependent.)  We were stuck for years.

Eventually I broke the isolation I was in and reached out to some friends, and saw that married life could be different.  I saw 2 therapists, learned about codependency, and came here.  I read tons of stories that echoed mine.  I started to learn more about what had happened, and what I could do.  Meanwhile I spent a lot of time on myself (reading, thinking, journaling, talking to friends, therapy) and gradually began to accept this fact:  I CAN'T FIX HER.  I can't make her want to fix herself.  I can only do what I think is best for me and my son.

Fuuny enough, as I began to change a lot and we started laying groundwork for separation, she actually did start to want to change (reaching out to family, friends, therapy, DBT class).  Once she really wanted to change, she started to change. 

For a while I was totally focused on her change:  is it real?  what's her true motivation?  will it last?  etc.  but eventually I realized, it doesn't matter that much, I need to focus on my own health and healing, and she can focus on hers.  I was focused on her for too long, now is time to get my own house in order.

Good luck and keep on posting.  Writing about what is bothering me helps me a lot, I hope it can help you also.

I agree with most of what you have said.  What has brought me to this forum is the realization that I continue to feed into the situation.  It is VERY difficult for me, at this time, to avoid my natural reaction to fight the circular arguments, flawed logic and irrational behavior.  It is very tough. 

I have come to realize I have a few choices, choices my therapist told me 5 years ago.  I am attempting to live with this and keep MY sanity at the same time.

I am reaching out but find it difficult.

Thank you for your words

Hi Jefesmitty,

Yeah, reaching out is not easy.  It got easier, for me, but was very hard at first.  It's hard to even say this, but I think I had a lot of shame (?) which I guess was misplaced, but the fact is, I still struggle with the fact that a lot of the problems were my fault.  I'm not excusing my wife, or defending her abuse like a "classic victim" instead I have now come to realize that we got into a cycle, a downward spiral, and that some of what kept it spinning was my own behavior.

I should have set limits, and enforced boundaries.  Easier said than done, though, when she is extremely emotional, sad, broken, and I know she has nobody else.  Eventually it got bad enough for me that I realized we had to separate, I was past the end of my rope.  Your sanity, and your self, are your biggest assets:  guard them.

What choices are you considering?

Well, last night I asked for a parenting plan for our daughter.  I cannot go on like this and don't believe I have the strength and or desire to continue.  It has been ten years of fighting, and yes I see how I have fed into the situation.  In the beginning, not knowingly.

I don't know that I feel shame.  I do feel victimized and abused.  I can list, as I am sure many can who live in this situation, the wrongs against me.  I cannot look to the future with her without seeing more of the same.  I have bottomed out.

I do not know where this will lead but in the end one of two things will happen:  we will divorce, which a large part of me desperately wants and feels I NEED. Or, devolve even further because I don't think I have the wherewithal to accept this destruction any longer.

If I sound defeated, that would be accurate.  A large part of my fault in this is my inability accept the behaviors even if I know and understand there is an illness involved.  I cannot accept her inability to see her fault in this.

The therapist I spoke with explained that I would have to accept this life as one would who chooses to stay with a drug addict or alcoholic.  Accept the challenges while not enabling.  Love the person and fight the illness.  I don't think I can do that.

I don't have any emotional equity left for her.

Hi jefesmitty,

many people arrive here with their relationships either failing or failed.   those are very difficult circumstances to find yourself in.   the tools and skills that are detailed here in the lessons can help regardless of which path forward you take.   you can find the lesson in the box to the right of the screen.

would you feel comfortable sharing more about the parenting plan for your daughter?

'ducks

I am offering 50/50 custody.  There are no issues on either side to justify reduced rights.  This will take lawyers unfortunately.