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So I came back a year ago because I was pregnant and had no money to legally fight uBPDh. He already had a lawyer (now a judge) and was trying to get custody of our children. He demanded I quit my job, volunteering, friends, even my family and other children to come back.  I have been reading here, going through the lessons, reading books, etc. every day for years now. I have really been doing well not reacting and trying to stay sane and strong and protect the children from his rages. Out of the blue he painted me black last week. I was even doing OK with that until he woke me up raging tonight. The lies and spewing were almost too much to handle. He finally stopped after he woke the baby up. He threatened to throw me out. I have not one penny. Everything is now in his name. I signed a joint custody agreement when I left for a year because I didn't have a lawyer. I am babbling, sorry! I will not leave my children. He can be a good father, but he is blind and rages at the children. I just want it all to stop. I want these children to have a nice life. I honestly do not think it is possible. I thought things were better but boy was I wrong.  I thought I was protecting my 3 youngest children, but I have only made things worse. So now what? Thanks for listening.

Hi LilMe, it sounds really stressful, and what a rough day you had 

Ideally, what would like to see happen? Maybe we can help you get from where you are and closer to that.

You have 3 children with him?

He is undiagnosed?

Where would you have been now if you hadn't come back a year ago?

What was going to be different in your mind when you came back?

I came back because I couldn't legally protect myself or our children. I came back to take care of and protect my children. I can get him to stop raging at them if I am here. I came back because I did not want to have to leave the baby with him alone. He went through a 6 week domestic violence program, but he says now it was stupid. He stopped drinking and goes to AA a couple times a month. I do care about him, but my main concern is the children. I want to stop damaging them. When I am here they are much better.

If I had stayed gone I think I would be better, but not the children. My expectations on returning  were that he would not drink or abuse me or the children, physically or mentally. Boundaries seemed to be working with this until he painted me black.

He is undiagnosed and we have 3 children together. We both have other children from previous marriages, all who will not be around him.

Yes, I see how crazy I must be to be in this mess!  3 amazing children and working on and improving myself are thing I am thankful for in this relationship.

Hi LilMe,   

I can hear how awful it is for you and your children since this recent dysregulation and you are right to voice concerns about the effect of this on your children now and in the future. The impact it is having on you matters as well. I can relate to that feeling of not doing well, it's horrible.

I want to offer advice because there are solutions out there for you and your children. I live in the UK and I know there would be help available for you here. However this is the Staying board not the Leaving board, so I'm not sure what the guidelines are around your situation.

I suppose for me it's important to clarify if you want to stay, and by this I mean, if other options were available to you and your children would you still stay?

I am not an advocate of advising you to hang on in there when your children are directly exposed to your h's rages. This is not ok and I can hear you are very aware of this.

You also mention DV is that right, has that been a part of your h's dysregulated behaviours?

It might be helpful to explore in detail the avenues available to you and your children on the Legal and Family board, really lay it all out there, I don't know if you did this before.

Thanks for taking the time to post, Sweetheart!  I feel a little bit better this morning.  He is just ignoring me, so far. 

When I left, I tried to use available resources. It did not work. So many women have abused an already flawed system that many of those who sincerely need help can not get it. On top of that, he projected and smeared me to our church, friends, lawyers, counselors, etc.  In my state, if you do not have a permanent physical address (like if you are staying with family or friends) you are considered homeless and custody automatically goes to the parent still in the home.  If your name is not on the home, you have to leave. If you are staying with friends or family, their income is considered your household income which disqualifies you for legal aid.  He hit me in a restaurant and lots of people saw, even people I know, but they did not want to get involved and would not be witnesses.  The police came and said we needed to grow up.  I told them he was drunk (he was) and they said he didn't seem drunk to them and wouldn't even file a report. To top it all off, I went to counseling at the local battered women's shelter and she told me story after story of local women who lost their children in similar situations.  It's all about who has the money, power, and control. I also am somewhat PTSD about going to court due to my ex hiring a team of lawyers (he spent $25,000+ compared to my $1500 excuse of a lawyer) and 'proved' all kinds of crazy stuff while my lawyer sat there and said there was nothing he could do and that he had a headache.

I must stay and work harder to keep peace. In some ways things are better - in others worse. But it is overall better for the children now. I have also figured out how I got in this situation (twice!) and hope to help my children be strong and wise and break the generational curses. I still have a faint, tiny little hope that I can learn to manage and have peace. And I keep reminding myself that this mood will pass and the other husband will be back at some point 

I'm really glad you're feeling better today. 

Well you just about covered every option I would have posted for you and then some. :)

We have a s7 and I believe it is possible and necessary in choosing to stay to run interference to protect a child from being directly exposed to dysregulated behaviours. It's good to hear that things are better for the children now.

And you're right his mood will level out. Was there a trigger that caused the recent episode do you know ?

I think sometimes that when there has been a sustained period of stability and then BAM! dysregulation, I know I feel sucker punched for a while rather than remembering this is how it is. Take care. 

I am so sorry you are in this situation. My father was a very out of control man with alcohol, drugs, DV. My mother took 9 years of it and then ran one day with my brother and myself. She crossed state lines. My father tried to get her to go back, but she wouldn't. It was over 30 years ago, and both of them were clueless and had no money. There was no custody fight.

If you want out, you may be able to file an order of protection against him. He gets removed from the house. At same time you file petition for child support and spousal support. Then you get a longer term restraining order.

You have your home ( who cares if he owns it, on a legal level it really doesn't matter, you as his wife are entitled to compensation) your children and support.

Like sweetheart said, hit the other forum for better advice.

If you have no income atm, there are free legal services.

I went through a nasty divorce, a really ugly one. I asked for a divorce, we agreed, then my ex suckerpunched me. If I had been on my toes or less innocent, it wouldn't have happened.

I think this guy has bullied and intimidated you and scared you into believing he has all of the control. He does not. A shared custody arrangement can be modified when one parent is truly a danger to children. And you as a wife are legitimately entitled to assets and funds. Doesn't matter if he "owns" everything. Especially if you live in a no fault divorce state. The state I live in divides everything 50/50 that was part of the marriage assets.

If you are going to stay, how about we give you some support on recent issues... .he is currently painting you black and not speaking to you today. Think a bit about what he was saying when he was raging and lying at you.

What was his fussing about? What appears to have set him off?

Danniell85,

Although it is comforting to know that I am not alone, it makes me sick that others go through this awful stuff!

We are not legally married. Yes, stupid, I know!  We have the same last name and he didn't want the 'state' to control us.  He hasn't raged much at the children in the last 6 months.  That is a good thing, but it is only because I have been working so hard to keep him calm with them.

He has been kind of down, but OK for several months.  This round started when he woke up in the night sick.  I was sleeping and didn't know.  He woke me up and told me I was a selfish B**** because I didn't wake up and take care of him.  That was last week.  He dysregulates easily when he is sick.

An example of what I deal with: he asks me a question and I give the wrong answer!  Yesterday we were at the store.  He took a cart and the water bottles to refill them.  He told me to go by myself and get the two other small things we needed.  The he asked me 'do you want a cart?'  I said, 'I will just grab one of those baskets that you carry.'  He immediately says , 'You f-ing B, you never listen to me.  I asked you to take a cart and you stubbornly refused.' 

Last night he woke me up to randomly tell me that he hates me because I am so awful to him.   I asked what was making him feel that way. His answer was that a dentist I saw 3 years ago for maybe 5 minutes, told him I was so awful that she felt sorry for him when he went in for dental work at a later time.  I do not recall anything strange happening at the visit.  It was a dental check up just like any other.  He said a lot more, like how our former MC told him I was crazy.  Always before he has claimed he had never spoken to her without me present and she never said that to me.  I know it was crazy talk due to his mind racing because he couldn't sleep.

Hopefully he will paint me white again soon, but there is always the possibility he never will.

Well, you are in a difficult situation. 

My brain is kind of tapped out for the day, but I just wanted you to know someone is hearing you tonight.