BPDFamily.com

When my H was at his worst, and I didn't know about BPD, at one point I found myself mirroring his BPD behaviors.  I have always been one to take responsibility for my actions, and wanted to teach my children the same values. For a short while, I found that instead of teaching them responsibility by saying "Please put your dish in the dishwasher." I would say "You keep leaving dishes around all the time!" Things became "all" or "never". I stopped saying what was bothering me (the eggshell problem) and ended up blowing eventually because who can keep all of their emotions in check all the time.  I would withdraw without telling anyone that I was locking myself in my room, which is terrible behavior.  I recognized how messed up it was, and got myself back on track fairly quickly, but has anyone else ever had this happen?

 

Yep... .I've been there too.

I think what this shows is that we are all susceptible to doing this when under emotional pressure.

It's a human thing... .not a BPD thing.

BPD just means they are more susceptible.

The internal "trick" that I use to try to avoid this is twofold

1.  I want to avoid letting them get to me and get the satisfaction from seeing me "act out".  Many times I think pwBPD push buttons just to see us dance.  So... .I don't dance.

2.  If I want them to keep "their side of the street" clean, I focus on keeping my side clean first.  Hopefully that demonstration of leadership will help encourage them.  Even it if doesn't, I get the benefit of having my side clean.

Hope this helps.  Don't bee too hard on yourself... .we all fall short from time to time. 

FF

Yup and it scared the daylights out of me.

You know, I think we adult daughters have all had that moment where, we open our mouths and our mother comes out?

All things considered, I think she has been one of the people who have taught me the most in my life, and while she has BPD, things are not black or white, and neither is she.

With my H, he managed to blame me for things, and take the stand that he was the rational one and I the over emotional one. I believed that for years. However, since he would restrict his verbal abuse, rages, and the ST to our  private times, and I would cry, it looked like I was the one over reacting.

The most sobering and humiliating moment for me was finding some notes the kids had written about our arguments. One said something like "mom and dad are fighting, they should get a divorse ( spelled that way) and the other was a note to their father telling him it was all my fault and not to feel bad.

I don't have BPD, but in the worst of it, I feared I was the crazy one. However, I was also the one who was willing to get help for the issues in my marriage, and in those times, I am reassured that no professional has ever considered that idea- because they would not have had to tiptoe around it- I was open to discussing anything.

This has been a recent revelation to me. My DD24 is so out of control that it is easy to put all the blame on her, but since I joined this site I have been looking a lot at my own behavior. It was so disturbing to recognize that I had begun to mirror her during interactions with all of my family. Time to do some more self-examination and work on myself.

I think this is called 'enmeshment'?  Where the pwBPD demands that we the caretaker become so much like them (to be different ='s wrong, and we know where that goes... .) that we do indeed become more like them.  It's a gradual process akin to 'death by a thousand cuts', typically in the interest of 'keeping the peace' and not rocking the boat.  However, you eventually lose yourself and the pwBPD does not improve. 

Yup. Been there. Way back, I found myself yelling at the dog and saying all the things that I wanted to say to my H, like "I hate it when you do that!" , or "Why are you so stupid?"

Basically, I acted just like him. I think I was just so frustrated and angry that he could get away with bad behavior and I couldn't.

I've found I've definitely taken on some of my partner's mannerisms and attitudes. I think its a survival or coping mechanism, like learning how to speak their language. Rather then be beat down by them we learn to become like them. It can be empowering, but its dangerous. I don't really want to imitate my partner's bad behavior even though I'm capable of it.

When I first started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, I was convinced I had BPD! I was an emotional wreck - short-fused, irrational, reckless, impulsive, on the verge of exploding over the smallest things. I couldn't believe how out of control I had gotten. Took me a few weeks of separation to get balanced enough to face the monsters inside without being horrified at myself.  I had never felt like that before meeting my uBPDbf. I had my "moments" in life, but nothing like the internal chaos I was experiencing at that time. I was definitely mirroring him. I became him. I slipped right into the BPD vortex and lost myself. I didn't know what the heck was happening... He pushed every button, and I reacted just as he expected - BADLY!

NEVER AGAIN. As FF said, they want us to dance... .so... .don't dance. That is by far the BEST (and EASIEST) solution I've ever seen to this complex problem!

Somewhere deep down, I really don't think they want us to dance on command anyway. More like, they want to make sure we WON'T. If they don't like something about themselves, I'm guessing the last thing they want us doing is mimicking their bad behavior! This morning he was coming unglued, huffing and puffing, angry at the world and getting short-tempered with me, even pushing a button or two. I mostly steered clear of him and tuned him out, even with all the racket he was making slamming things around... .before he left, he gave me a big hug and told me how "wonderful" I was. Not really... .in my head, I was humming not my monkeys, not my circus  :) 

Stay calm. Don't dance.

This is my opinion as well.  It's interesting to look at who gets paired up with pwBPD traits.  Usually there is someone "solid" with a pwBPD as a partner.

Then over time... the solidness gets chipped away... .which upsets the pwBPD because their fortress is now acting like them... .which increases their chaos... .(what a bad cycle)

That doesn't make it the "fault" of the NON, but since we didn't know what was going on... .the deterioration of the "non" took the r/s down.

The "education" of the non on this site will bring it back up.

thoughts?

FF