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Title: "Don't you wonder why I feel this way?" Post by: IsItHerOrIsItMe on September 30, 2015, 10:05:24 AM OK, getting past the basics, finally starting to use SET & not JADE... .(yep, still a work in progress).
When I finally keep my cool and acknowledge my w's feelings, she will usually come back with something that expresses: 1. Yes, I see you understand my feelings. 2. What are you going to do about it? So all the standard negotiations/assurances aside, I boil the statement down to how am I going to change how I act so she feels what she wants to feel... . So if I say I'm meeting her brother for a beer after work. On a good day I can get her to realize she's feeling insecure because what if the waitress (or any female) comes on to me... . We've discussed it to death, but in her mine I: 1. Know she's feeling insecure 2. Don't "protect" our marriage by not putting myself in a situation where a waitress might hit on me. I realize I can't not go to "protect" her feelings, but does anyone have suggestions on how to have her take responsibility for her own feelings? Title: Re: "Don't you wonder why I feel this way?" Post by: babyducks on October 01, 2015, 08:09:15 AM Hi IsItHerOrIsItMe,
This is a good topic. I sometimes find myself in that same place. When I validate the emotion that is active I sometimes get the well what are you going to do about it. It can be quite the challenge to express to her that her feelings should drive her actions and to express that in a positive and fair way. For me what I try to do is to stay away from specifics, because the specifics will always change and then be subject to another debate. I have a fairly generic statement that reinforces the positive. It basically says that I am committed to my partner and this relationship, and then I have a fairly generic statement that invalidates the invalid, i.e that its protective of the relationship to avoid putting yourself in a situation where a waitress might hit on you. It's basically I don't see *things* that way at all. The generic statements look kind of like this. You are important to me and this relationship is important to me. We have a difference of opinion about the beer with brother and that's normal for all relationships. We can get through this. Would you like to know how I see this working out? If that opens a conversation I will go a little farther and try to problem solve by asking a lot of questions... .I try to stay away from pronouns normally, and avoid You's and I's. I use a lot of We's, Us and Our's However in one emotionally charged conversation my partner said to me, it's not enough for you to say you understand my feelings you have to do something about them and I said, ahh No I don't, they belong to you. I wouldn't recommend that as an approach. ducks Title: Re: "Don't you wonder why I feel this way?" Post by: CrazyChuck on October 01, 2015, 11:39:19 AM However in one emotionally charged conversation my partner said to me, it's not enough for you to say you understand my feelings you have to do something about them and I said, ahh No I don't, they belong to you. I wouldn't recommend that as an approach. ducks One time I said "I'm not apologizing" and wife said "That is not an acceptable apology, try again". lol |