BPDFamily.com

knowing the weaknesses of BPD, and how much they hurt us.  is it wrong to poke at their weaknesses and insecurities to trigger abandonement anxiety and also gas light them?

It depends on your morals.

Knowing about BPD and why they do things is it right to purposefully cause them hurt?

Would you do this to someone that wasn't your partner?

One thing that has got me out of this mind set with my exgf and my ex wife is to think of them as a child. A child hasn't matured enough to handle their emotions. If a child does something wrong then they should be shown he error of their ways. You don't plot and take revenge on them.

McGahee, I'd guess this is something a lot of people in BPD relationships have thought about, at one time or another.

I know I felt the urge to poke at my exBPDbf's weaknesses sometimes, just so he would know how it felt. What I realized eventually was that he himself was hurting as badly as he was hurting me, if not worse. He didn't need me to add to his pain, and I didn't need to be a hurtful person. I also realized that most of his behavior wasn't really about me at all. Taking 'vengeance' for something that wasn't personal didn't make sense to me.

Now, that didn't mean that I didn't have the occasional vengeful fantasy... . 

I don't like to say that things are 'right' or 'wrong.' It's not kind, compassionate, or respectful to purposefully manipulate and trigger someone else's weaknesses, insecurities, and fears. The question we have to ask ourselves, individually, is - does that feel like it aligns with our personal values or not?

You could, but what good does it do to make things worse than they need be?

One area that could be considered as akin to this is with boundary enforcement. Leaving can stir abandonment issues, whilst this could escalate, it can also be an effective deterrent as they dont want you to leave, or don't like it when you do.

You have to balance it out and be appropriate,. If it is done out of revenge rather than appropriate coonsequenc it is unlikely to be balanced.

McGahee,

Over time I have come to view my partner as suffering from a serious mental illness.

and over even more time I have come to view that illness as not significantly different than epilepsy, or cancer, or diabetes. 

It is my job to protect myself from abusive behavior.   but not by sinking to the lowest possible common denominator type behavior.

yes my partner has hurt me with her behavior, like HappyNihilist said, we can debate how much of that was deliberatly and consciously aimed at me.     If I add drama to an already drama filled situation I don't like what I end up with.

'ducks

My boyfriend has accused me of retaliating against him.

He explained it this way: he is just living his life. Living his life doing what he feels like. He is not cheating, lying, being disrespectful , etc, to hurt me. He just does it. He knows it will hurt me, but the core reason is to have what he wants, not to hurt me. Hence he feels I am being really terrible and deliberately attacking when I get upset at him.

He feels it is me behaving destructively to him if someone comes and tells me he smeared me and I tell them what is actually going on.

My point is possibly a BPD already feels that through a negative response they are being retaliated against. Remember many BPD are stuck on the drama triangle and they are being victimized regardless.

I have defaulted to silence these days. It takes so much less energy to politely excuse myself from the battlefield than it does to try and convince my boyfriend of much of anything. I am letting him figure it out on his own. It's where I am right now.

I did this to my exwife. One night I had enough and pushed all her buttons I knew about. She went crazy and started destroying the house. Smashing a 65" LED tv. Throwing glassware. Destroyed my new MacBook Pro. Screaming about all the men she cheated on me with. That I had a small penis. I was a fat loser. The neighbors complained. I was begging her to stop. I had to call the cops. And I left that night forever. Not good.

This is important, what they are doing is about them it is about being defensive and avoiding responsibility and consequences, even if it is attacking it is really only preemptive defense. The impact on us is just collateral damage.

If we do the same it is an attack.

Hence the intend and driving reason is different.

That being said under stress we can mirror the behavior back my-issues

More than a few of us just assume that one day the Karma Bus will careen around he corner.

This is the staying forum, so seeking revenge on someone you wish to stay with seems... .how do I put this kindly... .off?

Anyway, to answer the question... .

I think actively seeking revenge is lame and if that's where one wants to spend their energy, I think they should go talk to someone.

But you don't need to actively seek revenge to simply get satisfaction from watching them dysregulate from a distance because you enforce a healthy boundary.   Or watch them lose their cool during good faith divorce negotiations that don't go in their favor.  Or find out they are upset you have a new love interest.

And yes, I admit that there are times I get satisfaction out of this despite it being a clear sign of their internal pain and struggle.  Maybe it's a weakness of character.  Maybe it's me being so fed up with the ongoing crap (even in divorce, especially if you co-parent, it never truly ends).  Maybe it's both.