Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: stacma04 on October 23, 2015, 12:39:55 PM

Title: was I wrong about him?
Post by: stacma04 on October 23, 2015, 12:39:55 PM
Hi guys I have been fighting my own demons for the past several months. In a few days I will have been 5 months NC on my part. It is easier but not easy. I need your feedback, but please do not just write he is a BPD/NPD, he landed you here, would you do the same to him, because I know that... .

He has gotten engaged one month after our Break up to the OW,He’s broken up with me so many times, I’ve lost count, always my fault. Love me one day then break up with me the next.

What I am trying to say or to ask - is he really disordered? My arguments against it:

- there was no physical violence

- there was no verbal abuse

- he never lived off of me, was very generous

- he is not rubbing the OW in my face, I found out from peeking on social media once

- he is not smearing me or causing problems

- we spent  2years together which was on and off

My arguments for it:

- he’s broken up with me several times in the past, only to beg to come back, then do it again, wash, rinse, repeat

was depressed when he left

- I felt I was going crazy

- He behaved as if there was nothing wrong with cutting me off after begging to come back

- he does not seem to care right now as he and the new fiancé are happy

He does not have a lot of friends and seems to treat people instrumentally

- I have no idea about his life before me besides the fact that he cheated on his ex-wife, and was an alcoholic. Been sober for 5 years now

Goes to church religiously every Sunday to “recharge” but doesn’t seem to live up to the word. Actually brought OW he was seeing to the same church when we were NC and came and sat a few seats over from me and my family

Post Lots of ambiguous quotes on his instagram with the new fiancé...

Only one incident of verbal abuse when I went absolute NC, called me worthless, a loser, and sucmbag, hates being ignored

Seems to have absolutely no empathy when he breaks up with me. Its as though he’s not effected at all shows no emotions And apparently I give him anxiety.

Was I wrong about him?

Title: Re: was I wrong about him?
Post by: Michelle27 on October 23, 2015, 01:48:01 PM
I hope I don't sound insensitive, but does it matter?

Believe me, I understand the pain of ruminating on what happened when a relationship is over.  But going over the "couda, shoulda, woulda's" of a relationship that's over does no good for you with regard to moving forward and healing. 

Title: Re: was I wrong about him?
Post by: cyclistIII on October 23, 2015, 05:27:42 PM
Anyone who is that on-again off-again has some instability going on, clearly. And you giving him "anxiety" suggests to me that fear of intimacy is a likely factor.

I agree that on some level, it doesn't matter, particularly in the long term -- but I know that in the short term it really helped me to understand the situation, because otherwise grieving was hard -- I'd start to accept what I thought might have happened, and then I'd think, no, that's not what happened, and then I'd be stuck at the beginning somehow... .as you get further and further away from it, it should matter less and less, but I understand the instinct to want to know.

All people with PDs are different, just like all people are different. Neither of my BPD exes were violent, and the more recent one was verbally abusive only once, and then apologized... .though, come to think of it, if you don't count blaming you for everything as "verbal abuse" then maybe my previous ex wasn't all that "verbally abusive" either -- he just blamed me for everything, but he always had a "rational" explanation for his insults... .and both of them were all about cutting off all contact and ignoring me rather than trying to torment or smear me. As to trying to live off someone, I didn't even know that that was a symptom of BPD... .

Anyway, regardless of whether or not your ex warrants an "official" diagnosis, I'd say anyone who is behaving that erratically in relationships at the very least shares these traits, and thus understanding BPD may help you to process what happened and let go and move on.

Title: Re: was I wrong about him?
Post by: stacma04 on October 24, 2015, 10:05:00 AM
@cyclist thank you so very much for your kind insight. Sometimes I just seem to second guess myself but your right the further away I get the better it will be. Kind regards

Title: Re: was I wrong about him?
Post by: Pretty Woman on October 24, 2015, 01:32:08 PM
Bpd or no BPD he wasn't right for you. He treated you poorly to the point you thought you were going crazy.

You fell in love with a fantasy and that's the hardest thing to reconcile. I understand. Mine is seemingly in love with her new gal... .and I am forgotten.

You need to remember, BPDs don't end relationships, they replace. They don't dump you without a backup. That's all anyone is... .a backup.

Hang in there. It gets better. Try not to analyze. The new person may not be as big a trigger. We are all different.

Title: Re: was I wrong about him?
Post by: Schermarhorn on October 24, 2015, 01:42:40 PM
You need to remember, BPDs don't end relationships, they replace. They don't dump you without a backup.

And if they happen to not have a backup, or if it falls through, you better believe that will be contacting you shortly afterward lol.

Title: Re: was I wrong about him?
Post by: klacey3 on October 24, 2015, 02:43:56 PM
Hi stacma04

I understand how difficult it can be to not know the answer. Unfortunately no-one on here can say for sure. If you really really want to know you can look at the diagnostic criteria and read stories online about people with the disorder. There are some youtube videos too that give good explanations. Obviously you can't diagnose him, and will never know for sure but it will help you match BPD traits in your ex.

You say your ex wasn't physically aggressive or verbally abusive which most people with BPD seem to be like. However the on and off again thing does seem quite BPD. I would need more details on that though. It could be he has a few traits strongly but doesn't have enough traits to be diagnosed with it.

I agree with the others that at the end of the day, it didn't work out for whatever reason and put it down to your ex being a complex person that didn't know what they wanted half the time either.

Title: Re: was I wrong about him?
Post by: problemsolver on October 24, 2015, 03:13:51 PM
Was he diagnosed with BPD?...

what your going through often happens... He get put through hell , you get out alive... .He moves on then "they are happy"... And your peaking wondering what happened? What happened to the beast that caused me so much pain...

My BPDex has an enabler ex boyfriend meaning he was willing to jump through hoops... So he "won" her back from me let's say that... He fought tooth and nail... Why? He saw a picture of me and her on social media... Guess what changed when she and him got back for a brief stint? Absolutely nothing... He saw me and thought wow wow she isn't that bad? I was wrong... What happened to him? More anguish more heartbreak more lies more stress... .Until he hit a point and realized this is the same girl lol... .

don't. Be fooled by social media... I can post nice picture of my self while feeling depressed... Don't be fooled he is who he is... People don't change they can simple alter their habits temporarily... a

Title: Re: was I wrong about him?
Post by: MSNYC on October 24, 2015, 05:52:16 PM
It is my understanding that some people show traits of BPD and others have the disorder, full blown - and then there is a full spectrum in between. Textbooks are textbooks, and then there's real life. Whether or not he "has it" is somewhat irrelevant to the fact that you were hurt and discarded. Sorry you're going through this!