Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: toddinrochester on October 24, 2015, 04:27:11 PM

Title: You got this.
Post by: toddinrochester on October 24, 2015, 04:27:11 PM
I think that everyone reading this has a bond. We all share a common thread in this life. We have experienced what I call the great unveil. Where we see who we are.We all have different pasts and narratives yet the story line is familiar. When I first started reading this site I simply inhaled everything I could find about BPD. I read it all! I felt an instant sense of belonging to the point where I thought you had dated my ex because the things that are said by BPD's are always pretty much the same.

I have spent so many sleepless nights here. 2am wake ups and anxiety attacks? This is where I would go until the medicine kicked in so I could sleep. I spent 4 weeks on Buspar for GA and Hydroxzine for PA and then Ativan so I could sleep. I still never got much sleep! I was running on almost nothing for a long time. It was as if the days just kind of rolled together. Two hours of sleep here and maybe and hour there. I felt weak for allowing this to control and dictate my life. I felt burned that I let someone get that close to me and I felt sad. Sad that even though my pain was incredibly intense right now that my ex with BPD was truly living in a hell that does not end with time. My mourning and my pain dulls each day. Each day I get a little more reprieve. I feel a little bit more in color and I hear a little bit more in stereo. Her life will never be normal.

When I had contact with her after N/C for a month or so I was relieved at being able to get the answers that I needed. I am sorry that some of you will not get those answers. I can't say if its better to know what you thought all this time. There were things said that were pretty defeating. We talked about her getting help and possibly seeing each other for coffee. I knew that day would never come because in the month apart her paranoia and thinking patterns were so far out of whack that it was like trying to stand still on ball bearings. I didn't know what way things were going to go and I felt pulled all over in conversations. I am done. I no longer let her rent space in my head as of tonight. I am not going to give her anymore of me. Her problem as much as it pains me to see is just that, her problem. I feel sorry for the next guy and the next and the next and so on. They have no idea what is in store for them.

I want everyone that reads this to know that in each of us we have the power to allow what our exwBPD gets from us. We can be sad and mourn and remember the good times. But remember the bad times also. Lifes lessons are never learned in moments of joy they are learned in moments of fear and weakness and despair. We learn who we are when we are at the lowest points. You will get through this and you will never be the same again. But that does not mean it has to be a bad thing. Embrace this opportunity as hard as it is to even read that out loud. It will benefit you. I am not 100% healed. Not even close but I am ready to have a funeral for the relationship and bury my hatred/disgust for her. I just felt like rambling on. I feel pretty good about things now. I see past the bend.

Title: Re: You got this.
Post by: JohnLove on October 24, 2015, 04:31:47 PM
Hello todinrochester. I'm very happy for you that you have almost made it. I hope for you it might be a downhill run from here. I'm sure your post will be an inspiration to others who are suffering.

Cheers.  |iiii

Title: Re: You got this.
Post by: MSNYC on October 24, 2015, 05:49:27 PM
I so agree about this forum and it's therapeutic value. Just a couple weeks ago, I thought I was losing my mind. Without this resource I never would have been able to put a name to what he and I were going through and probably would have stayed in the relationship and tried to make it work much longer, which I know would have been disastrous!

Title: Re: You got this.
Post by: Teereese on October 24, 2015, 06:00:34 PM
Thank you toddinrochester

For so many years I knew something was very wrong and felt alone. This is an amazing resource. I read more than I post just to remind myself so many others have been through, are going through or are just realizing what the situation they are in.

Yesterday would have been my 22nd anniversary. Technically it was but with the divorce in process, it did not feel as so.

It was a good anniversary.  Without him, there was no walking on eggshells, arguing, hurt feelings or lashing out. So many anniversaries were not so great because they brought on emotions which my stbxh could not handle.

Title: Re: You got this.
Post by: toddinrochester on October 24, 2015, 06:35:42 PM
It's not an understatement when I believe this very place has saved lives. We all came here disheveled and confused and hungry. We were so hungry. We had to know what and why and how. When we found out what it was, we felt temporary relief. Quickly that faded because the fact you can put a name to it does not mean its impact is less. That we suddenly feel with less sharpness. It's sharp for a while. But here, here we can grieve/cry/ruminate together. We are not crazy. We are human and have incredible resilience.

I have been through so much in my time. Four suicide attempts, clinical depression, drug abuse, alcohol abuse and drug induced psychosis that lasted two years. Five almost six years ago I changed all that and got my life back.

Two months ago I was brought to a pain and hopelessness that I have never felt in my life. This isn't some motivational speech but I am going to say that you have no idea how strong you are right now. This brought me to my knees. Nothing in my past prepared me for what I felt. She was a tear drop in my soul. It came as close to dying from a broken heart as you can get.

The fire might still burn but the world still turns to quote Depeche Mode. Tomorrow comes with a new set of challenges, but you will make it.

Go look in the mirror and come right back here. Go on... .

Okay. That person you saw is one strong sob. I believe in you and I have been where you are. It's not empty validation. It has weight.

TL:DR you are a better person after this.