BPDFamily.com

I just want to know if my ex misses me. Do BPDs ever remember good times? I know my ex had the "ouf of side out of mind" thing and she told me about it. But I was her first love and "love of her life", do I hold any significance in her mind? I know I know... .gotta focus on me now... .and I am. I am doing a great job moving on. I am imagining her with others all the time, and I'm actually OK with it, and that's not how I was last wk. But I wonder if she wants to text me and holding back... .or if she doesn't care at all... .am I a thing of the past? or is she also trying not to call me. I know she does feel her emotions... .

I want to hear a BPD perspective... .how did you feel after your "best" relationship ended?

I know three people with BPD: my ex, a friend, and a friend's mother. They are all very different people. The disorder manifests itself in different ways, so much as it might hurt to hear, I don't think any person with BPD can give you the closure you're looking for here. I know it's hard. I wonder sometimes if my ex ever thinks of me. It hurts like hell to realise he probably talks to his new gf about me in the way he talked to me about his exes. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, what matters is me and my life. But it does matter when you loved someone and continue to suffer hurt over what happened with them, and you have to simultaneously face the possibility that you're in this alone. It's not possible to make yourself just stop caring about that. The only thing I have found that helps with this unknown is to gently acknowledge my hurt and to shift my attention to more positive unknowns. I am going to have a happy future - what can I do today to help myself get ready for that? This thinking doesn't magically take pain away, but it helps.

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks

Wondering if they are thinking about you happens to us all.  But, like everyone, each pwBPD is different so the answer to your question isn't easily answered.  Ask yourself this:  do you want her to text you?  Are you the one that's holding back?  What is the end result you're looking for by having these questions answered?  :)o you really need to have them answered?

I, too, went through a phase with my pwBPD when the relationship ended where I wondered those things.  As much as I wanted to connect with her, I resisted.  With time, I eventually didn't feel the desire to, even though it did pop up from time to time.  So, one day led to two, then a week, then a month, then 3 years passed.  Once we reconnected, I asked her about the time.  She told me (I believe it was true) that she thought of me often, at least once a day.  She told me she wanted to contact me but was to scared I would reject her (she was right, I would have at that point in my life) so she didn't.  

What you can take away from this moment is that there is another side of the story.  Maybe she does miss you, maybe she doesn't.  The questions is, are you sure you know what you want?  I ask because it sounds like you want to possibly have contact with her again.

As I was once told, I will tell you the same about did you "matter":  you were loved right up to the moment you weren't.  So, yes, you did matter and yes, it was real.  Up until it wasn't.

And I know that's such a distorted way of thinking,  but that's just how I roll. I couldn't see my part in it for a very long time, only until I begun therapy.  I do miss my ex painfully so, my heart literally aches.

I've even thought he was BPD/NPD and placed all the blame on him. Totally unfair

I'm not in a relationship now. I'm not good in relationships and I have a daughter I need to focus on right now.

I want to get healthy before I go into any new relationships,  as it wouldn't be fair to keep this toxic cycle going

I had a BPD mother and dad left when I was young,  so my issues run deep and long. I will not subject any poor fellow to my rages, fits, manipulation,  and crazy anymore.

I hope to get well soon, as I am quite lonely,  but I know being alone is for the best... for everyone.

Reading this post is making me cry. lol. and triggered my arm twitch which i got when i found out about my replacement. Some sort of psychosomatic reaction.

Your words here just touch my heart so deeply. I'm so happy for you. I don't even know you, but, i don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. It might be some sort of projection on my part. Its just like this, thank you feeling. This, bless you feeling. This kind of warmth and peace feeling. Your very brave, I think. Very very strong.

thank you for sharing your thoughts with us on this site.

Thank you so much guys. I honestly don't know what I want. Yes I admit I am confused. But 4 weeks after NC and I haven't contacts Her, resisting all urges. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I'll take it a day at s time. I am getting stronger. I love that girl though and I know she loved me, and I meant a lot to her. It's one thing I know for sure. So to answer your question, no I don't know what I want but I wont contact her. Do I want to be with her? Yes but not without therapy. That's unrealistic.

Thats all of us.

I think this is what makes me sad more than anything else. The fact that my exs have had special people in their lives that maybe were their soulmate but due to fear have let them go.

I know my ex wife isn't happy in her marriage and I think that she still wishes we were together. That ship has sailed now as too much has happened that we would never work now.

My exgf has had many partners some of which where truly special to her. She probably at one point had her perfect match but has sabotaged every serious relationship.

With my exgf I wished she would have opened up and tell me how she really felt but I realise that it would have been too scary for her to do and also that in a way she did try but it was lost among everything else that was being said at the time.

I just wanted to thank you for your insight. Quite helpful and makes sense. My exBPDgf constantly tried to sabotage our relationship complete with lying about health issues, a strong fixation with sex, starting fights, challenging my commitment to her and trianglating me with her separated husband.

If I may ask, how does one with BPD justify lying? I always wondered that.

I have tried to reach out once to at least get back on reasonable terms but got no response. I am not surprised. I'm sure I have and will continue to be painted black.

I just wonder if they miss us if they are in a new r/s? If they are in a r/s, then I wouldn't think they would. I have 3 more months to go so I can get divorced... .I'm crying more than ever. He hasn't said anything to me since he text me last month to tell me my alimony is in the bank. I told him not to contact me, so I guess he is following what I said. I agree with Bpdsufferer13 that he should be the one to contact me, since he is the one that moved on... I would love to know he misses me... .he said it for awhile when he started this whole thing. He said he wanted to come back home to his wife, but I said not while he is drinking. So now she is just enabling the drinking and there he sits. I actually found out she met her husband on MYSPACE in 2008 and met him a month later, he drove to Tenn. to see her. They became a couple that night! Then she drove down to TX. to spend a week with him and then when she left to go home, she left her dog with him, knowing she would go back. Then she said she drove 5 hours away and turned around and went back. She was with him ever since... .They married in 2011 I was thinking this is sort of BPD behavior... .what do you think? She flirted with my husband at work until they were split up and written up, but then he went back to her (with several women in-between) when they worked together briefly at a later time. They both seem like Drama queens... .I am forcing myself to know that they will suffer the same if not worse ending than he and I... .It just hurts so much to be left for someone else that is so immature. But I guess that suits him better as he is as well... .He could just hold it together for so long I think... .I think he felt like he was keeping up with the joneses sort of.He said" she is cheap"... .personally I would not like to be called that, but I know what he means,lol

Hey BPD13, I have just found this post and your response. How totally brave and amazing you are. I have total and utter respect for you and your brave honesty. I hope one day you will be loved and love in return as equals, you truly deserve to. I cannot tell you how much it means to see the other side with such naked honesty. I know everyone is different but you have actually made me see that I could have been loved by my ex. I don't need to know more. Am happy to accept could have been. Heartfelt love to you and all the best wishes in the world for your healing as well as ours.   xx

This has really hit me today.

Thank you for posting. the last few days have seen a lot of insightful posts that have heightened my understanding of this terrible disorder.

One year ago tomorrow was the last conversation I had with uBPD ex. I then uncovered three years of lies, deceit, cheating and promptly changed the locks and removed all her items from my house.

I know the next three weeks are going to be triggers for her, mind you she has constantly stalked me ever since - who knows what the next three weeks will bring. I just want to get on with my life - no drama, no chaos, no nothing, just peace and quiet and tranquility.

Hey sufferer,

thanks for your insight... .so warm and deep. It's a little bit sad that things end up like this, but it's at least a little bit of comfort to know we are not forgotten.

Thanks again 

BPDsufferer13,

Many thanks for the insights as they are invaluable on so many levels.  Seeing what has transpired from a BPD viewpoint is extremely helpful.  Congratulations on your self-awareness and nothing but best wishes for you going forward.  I'm sure that you will find a rewarding relationship with time.

It's interesting you mentioned that we're not forgotten.  I'm LC/CC with my exBPDgf since our daughters are best friends in high school.

Although we rarely see each other when we do I sometimes find that she is fixated while looking at me.  Or when we talk she'll hold her gaze for a very long time.  It's almost as though glimpses of our past are flooding in from her memory yet she's not too sure how to process the emotions.

Continue posting if you desire as you input will be extremely helpful to those on these boards

Thank you again BPD13, as you will see it means a lot to many that you have the thoughtfulness and insight to post here. If the responses get too much don't worry or get anxious, just come back when you are up to it. It must be hard to read some of the posts on these boards and you are very brave.   x

I was somewhat afraid of looking at responses, as I thought I may be jumped on lol. Idk how to respond to other's posts, but someone asked about how we justify lying. You have to know in my situation that lying was normal. It was part of the family. I told my therapist there wasn't just skeletons in our closet,  there were bodies! Lying, unfortunately,  is second nature. It becomes ingrained within your personality, it's a means to survive if I must say, and  suppose for a better lack of words. My mother will lie about the most asinine things. I'd hear her on the phone, telling someone one thing, while the truth was something else. She'd look at me and smirk,  it was almost like she got a kick out of "tricking" someone. I was lied to all the time, so I thought it was normal. Lying is also a way to maintain the image, the status pro quo. God forbid anyone would ever think Mother was imperfect,  and she find that out.

To answer why those with BPD lie, I'm unsure of why the majority does, but my reasons, before my healing, were for pure selfish ones.

Looking back, it's just something that I picked up along the way, like one learns to ride a bike. It's not purposeful that I deceived,  but if it meant me getting my way, something I want or need, or covering up my tracks, then I'd do it in a heartbeat, and without a second thought. I was extremely selfish. I am self aware of my actions now, but I still don't want anyone to get too close, because eventually I feel I'm going to hurt you, and hurting you hurts worse for me. Very painful lashing out and raging, not even realizing sometimes I was doing it, until I was told of what I said or done the next day or whenever, and then remorse and embarrassment would set in. I'd apologize, and then expect things to resume back to normal,  because if I didn't remember, you didn't either,  right?  Well I was wrong, people do remember,  and while I may have been forgiven,  I would never be trusted the same. So I had to change.  I was losing friends and boyfriends left and right,  and it wasn't them. It was me. Such a painful ephinany. The realization I'm the problem,  and not everyone else. If I kept hurting a friend by manipulating or raging, and they still wanted to be around me, then I'd start the devaluation. Why would you want to be around someone as awful as me? So if they're that pathetic to want to, I didn't want to associate with them. Very sick thought process,  I know now... .

I used to not feel too sorry for how I treated others, because I thought (and still do at times) think everyone lies and manipulates to get what they want. Everyone.  That's how i used to think, but now I know differently,  and the majority of people are not like me and my family. They are actually good and honest people out there. People that don't manipulate to get what they want or need actually exist, and that is something that is truly hard for me to wrap my head around... .but I am, and I'm looking at the world with new lenses. I thank my lucky stars every single day that my perspective is changing, and I'm so blessed I'm finally realizing it before it's too late.

Thank you,  Sadly.

I actually came here because my therapist recommended the site, the tools you all use for detachment and so forth, I also need.  I started reading the posts here to get insight into how my exes and others actually feel about me. I must admit,  it's not that pretty. But I have to face these irrational emotions and actions if I want to get better.  I'm a great person,  but I've done some terrible things... .so before I jump into another relationship I want to be the best person I can be. That person deserves my most authentic self, not the fantasy that I'm so good at acting out. Then I get mad because he's falling in love with the fantasy,  and not really me, so then all sorts of resentments set in. I've attracted Narcissistic men the past 10 years. It's been a very toxic roller coaster for everyone involved,  so I stopped and got off. I love reading everyone's insight,  and I'm so grateful for this little community of authenticity.  Thank you everyone for sharing,  as it has helped me tremendously so. I'm preparing to get ready to work this weekend, so I'll check back in soon.

There are actually good and honest people out there

Yes there are sweetheart and you are up there with them! Look at what you are doing, I have never come across anything quite so honest in my life! Really. It is humbling to say the least. There are people who will lie to us all, for whatever reasons. We will all be hurt by people lying to us in the future, because we and they are human and it happens. But not everyone and not all of the time. There are different types of lies and different types of honesty and both can hurt, again its human. As I said in another post, No-one is perfect and it would be unnatural if they were.

It is so refreshing to hear you, some of the things you are saying are helping me enormously. It's all very well to read about it in books and papers and what not but you are a very real and I cant say enough how brave I think you are. Never be afraid to be here, you are giving more than you will know to a great many people. Love xx

Hi Bpdsufferer13,

Thank you for this. it's great to know the thingking of the person with BPD. I can understand why you are not calling your Bf because of not getting hurt again. What I don't get is that, I am assuming you dumped your BF? if you did, You are not contacting your Bf because he will win? or you will pleasure his ego? Wouldn't you be the one that should make an effort to contact him if you dumped him or love him?

If he dumped you I completely agree with you that he should be contacting you and trying to repair the relationship. Or is this a game of whoever has the strongest will and ego wins?


Please don't take this personally I am trying to understand a person with BPD's point of view.


Thank you.

I with many of the other folks on this thread... .thanks so much for your insight and courage. I wish you well in your journey and much happiness!

Sat here in tears (I blame Adele's new song. Never listening to that again), and reading this was somewhat comforting. I cannot seem to believe that he's moved on without ever giving me a second thought. Maybe I'm deluded, but this gives me some hope that it wasn't all completely lost on him.

Hopeful83

You mentioned that change for you came as a result of losing friends and relationships.  :)id you become self-aware on your own?  Would you have been open to someone approaching you with their concerns?

Additionally, were you more apt to dysregulate in a romantic or friend relationship?  Or did it not really matter?  With a romantic relationship what eventually became the trigger for devaluation?

Again many thanks for your openness.  You may find that you'll become besieged with questions as we have so many that are unanswered.

Sat here in tears too Hopeful, and not cos I listened to that song, I dare not. I cant listen to any music at the moment, it all hurts and brings back memories. Even the laughter when I listened to what he called "sloppy ___e"

I wonder how many people all over the world are sat crying tonight for the reasons we are? Some may not even know about BPD and are at the bewildered What the heck stage when their world turns upside down.

It is good to be reminded we are not the only side of the partnership that hurts and feels terrible pain. Sometimes it is easy to demonise, it helps us deal with it but it is equally important to be reminded that those suffering from this illness hurt too. Everyone bleeds.  xx

Big hug from me, Sadly 

This board has been such a lifesaver. It has helped me through so much.

And yes, you're right - it's very easy to demonise especially when you're blindsided and the rug is pulled from beneath you. My whole world got turned upside down in less than two weeks - a whole future vanished in an instant and I was left wondering what on earth happened. When it first happened, I couldn't bring myself to think badly of him or hate him, then that turned to anger and hate. Now I think I'm starting to get to the point where I want to mourn the good parts of the relationship, too, in order to leave it behind.

It's not easy. And no more Adele for me.

Hi hopeful, just replied to your other post. Are you sure we were not seeing the same person? LOL. 

xx

ps, really, no more Adele. x

*mod*

Thankyou, Bpdsufferer13, and everyone posting!  :)

We can feel good about participating in a constructive exchange. It been a great exchange of humanity on all sides - a good thing.


Thanks for saying this. "Ask a pwBPD" or as we called them in school "one mouse studies" are a risky endeavor.  Researchers will ask hundreds before drawing conclusions and that's why we rely on research studies here.  Imagine, if we asked one member a question in the case below:

(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/myers-briggs_table1.gif)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60827.0


Yes, even within an individual, how we act/feels differs in time and with differing circumstances. None-the-less, It was helpful to look at one individuals experience - and we can all learn from it - but we should not think of it as a proxy for our partners.

Skip

This is what the biggest issue that eventually destroyed my relationship with my ex.  I believe at times she wasn't even aware she was doing it, not to mention she was VERY good at it, and she knew she was.  When I pointed it out to her she didn't think she had done anything wrong.  I tired to help her see that it was a fundamental betrayal of trust, but I don't think she ever really understood that.  She also always had some external excuse/reason for doing it too and felt completely justified regardless of how much it hurt me.  Of course if the shoe was on the other foot I believe she would feel entirely different.

Bpdsufferer13:

I was on this post re: does my ex miss me and I came across your response.  I give you so much credit for being able to be honest and answer the question to your best ability on whether the EXBPD misses us.  I too was in a relationship for 7 years with a BPDmale who is now my Ex (his decision not mine).  It has only been a month since he left me and moved in the same day he left me with a woman he cheated on me with for a very long time, and it has left a really big hole in my heart.  I often wondered if he even missed me or loved me at all.  I know you can't answer for all BPD, but is stalking considered missing me or this his insecurity that I may have another man in my life, because he always accused me of doing what he has done to me for 7 years.  I often wonder if he loved me at all, because I know that I loved him with all of me which is why I feel so lost, angry and confused.  He was diagnosed some time ago and I only found out through going with him to finally meet with his therapist only four months ago.  He didn't see his therapist consistently, which is why I feel he can't be helped.  I have been through a lot in my life, I had a very abusive mother, physically and emotionally, my dad treated my mom like crap, I was in a relationship very young for 8 years and he abused me physically and emotionally, had a child with a Narcissist and married him, now divorced, and then my last relationship with my EXBPD.  I never went through life wanting to hurt anyone or being insecure to push away a loved one who had nothing to with past, but they did it to me.  I am just trying to understand.  Your response would be greatly appreciated.  If you don't feel comfortable responding I truly understand.  I am just trying to move forward with my life and don't know how to because I have so many unanswered questions.  Have a blessed day.

BPDSufferer13, another thank you from me, and a huge welcome :). I know of course you can only ever speak for yourself and your own experiences, but it's so useful to hear another perspective.

What you said echoes what my exBPDbf used to say when he was with me. If he thought I was going to leave him (which may have simply been triggered because I was annoyed at him for something), he would end the relationship. When we reconciled, he was very open about the fact that he thought I'd leave him so he wanted to get in there first and not be the one who was abandoned. It was important to him, too, for other people to believe he'd been the dumper rather than the dumpee.

I know he also saw these kinds of things in terms of "winning" and "losing", and his pride would stop him contacting me. In the past, he was the one who left me, then he would hang around social media sites that he knew I was on, leaving a bit of bait to see if I was still interested, to see if I'd respond, and if my response was positive enough he'd come back. This last time was the one and only time I walked away from him, and he's ignored all olive branches I've ever offered. I stopped a long time ago now.

I assumed he'd just moved on - that it was all out of sight, out of mind, and he had just put all his energy into his relationship with his new girlfriend. To think he might miss me is incredible. It's soothing, and it's sad at the same time. Most of all, it's unexpected.

I am glad you decided to get help. The vast majority of personality disordered people never get it for one reason or another. So, this is a huge step. This being said, let me say something that might be perceived a bit too straight forward... .but it is the truth and the reality.

I hope after you got enough therapy and can look back at all this, you can understand and realize how incredibly unfair it is for the other person to go through something like this. When your soulmate sabotages the relationship without a reason, ghosts you like you never existed... .and then you are the one who is expected to make things right? By doing what? And even if you try, you are perceived to be weak and weird for trying to be with somebody like your ex, so you are dished out a bunch of devaluation (which is why second and third and fourth rounds never work). And in the end, the contact from either side is viewed as a win or a loss as if this is some sort of a game? This is simply mind bending if you don't know what you are dealing with. And a whole lot of people actually try to do this over and over and over again, try to make things right.

We are always reminded to have compassion for our exs. And frankly, you gotta be pretty damn off in your head yourself if you can't have compassion for somebody with a mental illness (granted it might take a few months... .or years)  Personally, I have forgiven a long time ago because... .well, how can't you once you put two and two together? But, I hope, one day you get to the point where you can look back and can have compassion for all those people who you lost along the way because compassion is really a two way street.

Well 13 my wish for you is that you are granted the strength to read these posts and hang in there. It will be hard and I am sure at times very upsetting but I believe if you have had the strength to get this far then it will do you and us the world of good. I think from your second post you are feeling compassion or something very close and you have certainly acknowledged the hurt that has been caused and brave enough to explain why. (see below)I hope you realise comments and questions  here are not personal and that as Skip says you are not a proxy for our partners. Also which mustn't be forgotten is your ex, in fact more than one were NPD, that cannot have helped in your struggle. We use the word non's quite freely as a dividing us and them line however many of us have our own issues, mine for instance is co-dependency and I have very deeply sown insecurities from my childhood that I have only recently realised has been affecting my life and certainly affected my relationship with my ex. I may be NON BPD but I am not whole that's for sure. I hope I with help from therapy can come as far as you have. 

My other wish is that we all can work together to help heal and go forward. In a nutshell, we are all seeking the same thing in our future and I wish it for all of us from the bottom of my soppy heart :) xx

I used to not feel too sorry for how I treated others, because I thought (and still do at times) think everyone lies and manipulates to get what they want. Everyone.  That's how i used to think, but now I know differently,  and the majority of people are not like me and my family. They are actually good and honest people out there. People that don't manipulate to get what they want or need actually exist, and that is something that is truly hard for me to wrap my head around... .but I am, and I'm looking at the world with new lenses. I thank my lucky stars every single day that my perspective is changing, and I'm so blessed I'm finally realizing it before it's too late.

Thank you so much, I wish my ex had the same realization you have. I respect how far you've come, I know it wasn't easy.

I am at that stage that you are talking about, Invictus01, and I have and am currently looking back with complete remorse. Making amends along the way. But I don't know why I feel the need to tell you my personal progress, and where my recovery stands, but I feel the anger in your words, and they're seemingly directed at me.

I didn't choose to be the scapegoat, and while those may not be your intentions, it certainly feels that way, Invictus01. I already live with immense guilt, and don't need anymore reminders, especially from strangers.

Someone else posted that I shouldn't be giving advice, and while I can see that perspective, I'm not crazy nor does this disorder stop me from living real life. I am high functioning, educated, and only "BPD" in romantic relationships. I have several friends who come to me for advice, which is genuine, well thought out, and well received. But, I am on my personal journey and don't want to have to be on the defense. That's not why I posted yesterday.

Although the majority of you all have been super kind, which I truly appreciate, it those who project their issues and anger onto me like this post, that trigger me, again my issue, I've decided this will be my last comment.

I wish everyone the best in their recovery, and do know that brighter days are around the corner.

Aaah, sweetheart, this is what I was afraid of. I personally and am sure many more will miss your insight and help more than anything. You do not need anger and more pain, it is unfortunate that sometimes at different stages of recovery and due to the depth of hurt they have received that is all people can give. I will never forget the comfort you have given me and want you to know your bravery and honesty is like a beacon for me and will not be forgotten. I cant do clever words and paragraphs from things I have read on my journey, I cant dish out erudite advice as quite frankly I don't understand half of it. I can tell you from plain simple feelings and emotion you have made a huge difference to me.  I know you will make it and one day I will come back to these boards and my name wont be Sadly anymore. All the love and best wishes for your future happiness,   xx

My post was never meant to be angry and I really apologize if it came across that way. I am long past that stage. I have read about the topic enough to understand it and understand where this is coming from. And I simply can not be angry at somebody with a personality disorder. They didn't choose it, they didn't somehow acquire it on their own will. Like I said, there are very very few people with a personality disorder who even get to the point where they decide to seek help and stick with it. There is nothing but admiration from me and I am glad that you are able to see the other side of this.

What I said was just to show what the other side looks like. It really isn't pretty. I really don't know how to describe the feeling when the whole relationship breaks up initially and your brain simply can not reconcile what in the world just happened and how this could possibly be - one day you are soulmates, another day you don't exist. It feels like you are going nuts. It feels like somebody is playing a very bad joke on you and all you can think of is "This can't be happening. This isn't possible. She is gonna come around and tell me it was some sort of a test, right? What did I do to make it so bad that she makes me feel like I don't exist?" It feels like a mental torture and it takes a whole lot of time to snap out of this.

Again, I sincerely apologize if what I said came across as anger. It never meant to be.

I didn't hear any anger in Invictus' posts, or read that he was scapegoating anyone.

He wrote in one post

When your soulmate sabotages the relationship without a reason, ghosts you like you never existed... .and then you are the one who is expected to make things right? By doing what? And even if you try, you are perceived to be weak and weird for trying to be with somebody like your ex, so you are dished out a bunch of devaluation (which is why second and third and fourth rounds never work).

---Yes this is generally the process that happens. I would say, though, that the second and later rounds don't work because of inconsistency, splitting and push-pull, not just becasue the partner initiated the reunion. There are many people in these relationship who recycle when the pwBPD makes the first initiative to reunite,, and it still doesn't work out

After my first breakup my ex came back after a few weeks, 3 months later she breaks up with me because she was miserable in our relationship. She broke nc after a few weeks and I played it cool and wished her the best, then I messed it up by calling her back a week later because I missed her. She was cold and she scoffed at the idea of me winning her back. I felt so foolish and called her a terrible person then blocked her number. I regretted it immediately, but there's nothing I can do about it now and I know she's probably out with a guy forgetting her relationship with me. I'm having a hard time trying to accept reality that she's not coming back, it's been 2 weeks since our talk.

Humble wrote

I messed it up by calling her back a week later because I missed her. She was cold and she scoffed at the idea of me winning her back. I felt so foolish and called her a terrible person then blocked her number. I regretted it immediately, but there's nothing I can do about it now and I know she's probably out with a guy forgetting her relationship with me. I'm having a hard time trying to accept reality that she's not coming back

=====From what I have read in posts, whether the non or the BPD reaches out first, it doesn't always go well in the recycle, and can lead to another breakup.  As bpsufferer wrote, she's probably not "forgetting about" the relationship---it seems they do recall and miss the ex

It's weird because it's somewhat relieving to hear she hasn't forgot about me, I don't know how to feel about that

Guys, nothing said in this thread by Bpdsufferer13 explains the state of mind of your ex. pwBPD are not Golden Retrievers  :)  I own Golden Retrievers - even they aren't that predictable.

If we had an extended relationship with anyone, and one partner leaves they may do it sadly and miss the person - or they may be so absorbed in the idealization of someone else (or a job, or a... .) and be out of sight, out of mind - or any point between.

Bpdsufferer13 has given us an insight into her thinking, and it may resemble you ex in whole or part... .but you can't take it further than this.

Appreciate Bpdsufferer13's openness. You can see her humanity. She shared her blindspots. You can see that she was a product of her environment.

But be careful not to project.   *)

I just wrote something very similar but much more wordy and it timed out so I lost everything. I think her posts showed a great deal of remorse and a very good grasp on her illness and what she has done to her partners. As her therapist worked with her and she learned what unhappiness she (her illness) caused she seemed horrified and is doing her level best to ensure it doesn't happen in the future to anyone else. I don't think she needs it pointing out what she has done and how it makes people feel, she probably knows more about BPD than some of us here do and clearly has a brilliant therapist who encouraged her to come to this site and read our lessons and stories, she reached out to help as well as learn and for some of us what she said about being missed is very comforting and much needed, it may be the only type of closure some of us will get.

She is gone now, I tried private messaging but she is not accepting any. I will ever be thankful for her brief but meaningful messages and hope that she will come back. This is how I feel.

I could only hope my ex can gain a fraction of the insight that Bpdsufferer13 has shown. 

I fear though my ex is so wrapped up in placing blame anywhere other than herself, she may never understand she is the cause of all her pain.  She can change the actors and the set, but the script will always remain the same.

Bp13,  I hope you continue to post, your feelings and thoughtfulness are very insightful... .I want you to stay. I'll be here for you.

Disregard all those that project negativity!

I don't wanna rain on anyone's party but what skips saying is spot on... I believe what BPDsuferrer13 is a good insight into her mind... I truly don't believe all people with BPD are the exact same... There can be some shocking comparisons in stories... but there isn't necessarily a one size fits all...

I can answer your question from my perspective or from my BPDex she did think about people from the past... she mentioned me to a friend of mine roughly 4 months after we last broke up/ spoke. . She was still hurt from my "betrayal"... I honestly thought she didn't care and forgot about me but she didn't apparently. ... . Having a phone conversation. . Or being open to texting or "recycling" is a completely different story who knows what she's thinking?  Alot of her rationale for things while we dated was "out of the box" / unconventional in my opinion ... if I went out and didn't call her to come sleep over her rational was he must of met someone new... this is how she thought.

She may go to sleep crying about me every night, she may be seeking a replacement that looks exactly like me to relive what we had(the guy she is currently idolizing looks very very similar to me) how am I to know? She may want to reach out but is too embarrassed. .She may miss me on a Monday at 1pm and wish I text her... I may reach out a week later and she doesn't feel the same ... then she has all the power to make me  feel hurt "I don't wanna hear from you I said... ". . You know?  Its just a very mixed bag. Life's about timing and so often with BPDs it seems that there is very little margin for error in that timing... basically "walking on egg shells"

The reason BPDsufferer13 resonated with so many is because we rarely hear from the "other side".

My daughter just celebrated three years of sobriety this past week.  During the initial detox stage I went to many educational forums where every so often there would be a speaker who had been sober for several months, a couple years or longer.  Was this done to promote false hope or engender comparisons?  No---it was done to allow us to hear from and become educated about the "other side".

Granted BPDsufferer13 is one sample size and we should "date" and not "marry" her commentary.  That being said, any insight she can provide to enhance our recovery is welcome in my judgement.

Thank you, very insightful

 I know there may be some pwBPD who will walk away without a second thought and move on, and those that will walk away and forever believe it was our fault and those that whatever! The very possibility that they did miss us on whatever level that maybe and did think about us when we are done is enough to give great comfort. I don't know, we don't know. It is a huge thing to take in when you truly believe or basically can't believe that what you shared meant nothing. A massive concept to get your head around that your forever person, the biggest love of your life can live the rest of their lives without giving you a second thought. As it has been said, all our relationships are different but with the huge common thread running through them. I don't think that I am not facing reality but if I can now have hope that maybe, just maybe my ex missed me and thought about me sometimes then that is exactly what I am going to do and if doing that helps my healing process which I believe it may well do then good, I will gladly and not Sadly :) accept it.

This is a great point. Their feelings on most everything change so quickly and dramatically, it's really impossible to say whether they miss us in general. And trust me, it hurts more to hear her say she misses me, and then find out that the next day she's cozying up to the replacement. Three days ago my ex was desperately agreeing to do anything to get me back, and today I tried to reach out and, nothing.

I think to really miss someone, you have to see them as a whole person and have a constant idea of them and your relationship with them. PwBPD don't think like that. My ex didn't see all of me as a person, I was just a screen for her to project her drama onto.

When she would express missing her previous girlfriend or an old friend, it was clearly traceable to some sort of drama she had going on. 99% of the time the old girlfriend was painted black, but then sometimes she would paint me so black that she would feel compelled to reach out to the old girlfriend or cry (to me!) about how much she missed her. Then she would mention to me, during a rage, that she'd been talking with the old girlfriend--to push me away or try to assert that she's independent and non-engulfed.

I'd imagine it's the same with her missing me. It probably depends on how she's doing with the replacement. She's also told me at times that she felt lonely, but it sounded more like she was just overwhelmed by her emotions and core shame and missed having someone to dump it all on.

I fear my ex is one of these, and it breaks my heart.  

this is the rub. pwBPD struggle with object constancy and object permanence issues. this would not translate to "missing" as we think of it.

does it occur to them that we exist, and does that differ in frequency and extent and the thoughts and feelings surrounding it? of course. our existence has not been wiped from their memory.

i think it is more accurate to describe it as struggling to recall us. a senior member described it as the "longing for reward". if that sounds like semantics, it doesnt much matter what you call it. suffice to say we likely do not experience things in the same way as our partners.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.



Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)

edit: "i miss you" was something i heard more than frequently from my ex. they are certainly the words she used. i think the explanation for what she was communicating was more complex.

Does my ex miss me?

I see her every day at work. I see her interact with almost everybody but me. She goes out of her way to interact with them. All communication if any is initiated by me. I sometimes bring her coffee. She's never returned the favour. She'll say "thanks" and smile then go talk to someone for 30 minutes. After work, nothing. I have to be the one that initiates.

I see her on her phone all the time texting people. Not me. So she's clearly thinking of someone in her mind and saying to herself "I miss this person. I'm going to text them. I want to talk to them". I'm not one of those people she's missing.

2 years being her "soulmate" and now I don't exist. But she talks all the time about the wonderful guy that just broke her heart and dumped her.

I've experienced devaluation, it sucked. I've experienced silent treatment, it's awful. But nothing hurts more than being in her physical presence and feeling complete indifference emanating from her. Indifference says if I was hit by a bus on my way to work and my boss told everyone I died, her response would be "Oh" and she'd go about her day.

She doesn't miss her ex that committed suicide either.

This is why I am LostGhost. Because I still exist, I still see her, but I can't interact with her on any meaningful level. I'm just "there" in the background. My presence is barely acknowledged. 

I had a totally random yoga teacher message me a few weeks back. I have taken maybe five classes with her. I was sitting alone feeling sorry for myself and a text popped up at midnight from this yoga teacher saying "Hey! I just wanted you to know I've been thinking about you a lot lately! I miss seeing you! Hope you're ok! Stop by for a class soon!"

Someone I've spent maybe 6 hours with, thinking of me and missing me. Someone I haven't seen for 3 months or so. In comparison to my ex who I gave my heart and soul to for 2 years and she can't say "I miss you. I think of you. Remember the time we... .remember when you said... .it was fun when we... ."

It's not shame, guilt, fear, anxiety. She's not hiding from me or scared of me. We're on good terms and we're cordial. But she does not miss me. Does not miss my touch, my humour, my words of affirmation, my gifts, my love, my time, my company, my laughter, my comfort, my heart, my chest rising and falling as she cuddled me at night. She discarded all of that and moved on with her life.

No, my ex doesn't miss me. And it's probably the hardest concept to accept. I almost refuse to accept it because it shatters everything I know about reality. She doesn't miss me, not today at least. Tomorrow who knows!

But I know who misses me. I miss me. I miss being proud of who I am, of feeling useful and worthwhile, I miss feeling confident and full of potential and ambition. I've spent almost every minute of the last two years with her catering to my ex that I forgot about me. And in the time without her I spent every minute wondering if she thinks of me or misses me. That needs to stop! And I'm finally getting to that point. It's such a SLOW process!

I too also heard this frequently.  Do you have any insight into this that you would like to share?

This really hits home for me.  Thank you.

a person with BPD has an unstable sense of self, feels chronic loneliness, aloneness, emptiness. accordingly, a person with BPD has an unstable sense of others (us). a person with BPD attaches to others as a means of seeking a sense of self.

a person with BPD also, as mentioned, struggles with object constancy and object permanency. in short this means two things: they struggle when it comes to seeing us in shades of grey, outside black or white, idealization or devaluation (constancy). it also means they struggle to sense us when we are not physically present (permanence). you and i soothe loneliness by conjuring up psychological images of loved ones. a person with BPD is unable to conjure such an image. at some point in your relationship, i would guess your ex may have hung onto an item of yours that reminded her of you. these items are often a means of conjuring a sense of us. it effectively is the same process going on as telling you "i miss you".

"i miss you" means "i feel alone and i am seeking a sense of you to soothe my sense of aloneness". it means "i feel empty - reassure me".

this isnt conscious. it isnt manipulation. in fact, we all do this on some level, unconsciously; its selfish on a base level, but when we tell someone we miss them, we mean it. so does a person with BPD. what we mean, what we are communicating, are two fundamentally different things.

Your guess is correct.  She would take the shirt I was wearing and hold onto it until the smell of me was gone, then she would want a new one.  This happened mostly early on in the relationship ... .probably what would be considered the clinger stage?

Mine always wanted to sniff me and have things that smelled like me too... .I guess he thought I did that as well, because he always wanted to leave a shirt of his behind with me! When we were first dating and In fact I have one ready to go to goodwill now from the last time he was here.  Strange... .His GF posted something about wearing his shirt to bed and liked smelling him! I thought great- sweat, beer and cigarettes... .lovely! LOL

*mod*

The thread has reached it's post limit and is now locked. You're welcome with starting a new or similar topic of discussion.