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I am really pissed off. It is one of those fights that I did not see coming. Those are always the worst kind.

My wife sent me an email asking me if I would go to a party with her. I said “Yes, thanks for the warning.” It went downhill from there. She told me to “get a pair” in her first email response. In her second email she told me that I made her feel awful.  I tried to explain my response and that seemed to piss her off even more.  She went on to explain that she is hurt because I didn’t thank her for inviting me to the party.  In her view, I am failing to take responsibility for the marriage and I need counseling.

My view of it is: I am an introvert.  Parties are not my thing.  Parties aren’t that bad if I have a chance to work up to them.  I am out of my comfort zone but I can push myself to being appropriately outgoing and chatty. I can do that and I can do it reasonably well. I just need some time to prepare myself for the performance.

 

So now she is pissed that I don’t like parties. She is pissed that I agreed to go to a party (that I’d just as soon not go to).  She is pissed because I agreed to move out of my comfort zone and do something as a couple that she likes to do.  She is pissed because I thanked her for giving me a chance to prepare myself so that I look like I am having fun and not putting people off by my quiet nature.

   

Getting painted as a sick selfish ass in this situation pisses me off when I am the one going out of my way to do something mainly for her.

 

Would you feel better if you had declined the party at the start?  Or now?

Can you wife have her reality... .and you have yours?

Big thing to remember with pwBPD traits.

Less is more... .

Take your response... .shorten it to

Yes... .

FF

If I had declined, some of what she is accusing me of could have some merit.  No, I don't think I would feel better.  I would feel like I deserve what I am getting. 

I have been dis-invited.  No need for me to decline the invitation. 

I can agree to dis agree.  I would prefer for her not to call me names.  I would prefer to be accepted.

I am the one going out of my way to do something mainly for her.

But not willingly, and she knew that.


When these kinds of situations happen, it helps to understand that both of us are contributing to it. First, I agree that the way she responded to your comment was over the top emotionally. However, your response to her could be interpreted as hurtful- because it was saying "yes" when you mean "no"- and the "no" was embeded in the reply.

You were in a situation where it is possible that you felt you had no choice. Say No- and face a rage, or say Yes and go to a party where you would not be happy. You said Yes, and took the stance that you are doing something nice for her, but when you said "thanks for the warning" it was clear that you were not looking forward to it.

Now if she were looking forward to this party and going with you, your response may have felt hurtful because, well who wants to have a reluctant date for a party. She could go alone, or with someone else ( but who- she's married to you). It can feel awkward to be married and alone at a party where many other people are going as a couple.

You're an introvert- and that is OK. I think it is important to feel accepted for who you are. It's OK to not like parties. However, if your wife does, and wishes to have you as her date, then there needs to be some sort of compromise for the two of you. It is possible that you can agree to go to some parties with her, but not all of them. Perhaps this can be discussed at a time when she is feeling less hurt and emotional. It won't be an easy discussion, but keeping the focus on how to socialize and hopefully not making this personal may help. No two people are alike, so hopefully there can be middle ground between an introvert and an extrovert. Also, this isn't an unusual pairing- some introverts and extroverts are attracted to each other.

Learning to say Yes when we mean Yes and No when we mean No can be a tough one in these types of relationships. For anyone with co-dependency, saying No is hard. For the person with BPD, hearing No is hard, and may be triggering. So there can be a pattern where the non says yes when they mean no, but the yes is said with resentment.

Resentment is hurtful and also triggering. It isn't being nice or doing something nice for someone to give them resentment along with that Yes.

I agree that your wife's response was not kind or appropriate, but a large part of learning about a relationship with someone with BPD is also learning about us. I picked up on this because saying no is also difficult for me. I was not allowed to say no to BPD mom, and so I have a lot of difficulty with this. However, I also resented saying yes when I didn't mean it.

I was willing.  If I wasn't willing, I would have said no.  Had the party been that night, I would have said no.  It would have been too soon.  That was the whole point of thanks for the warning and not springing it on me last minute.

I had thought we had reached a compromise.  Basically, give me some warning and I will go and be fun. 

I see your point on her picking up my reluctance.  Unfortunately, she takes it that I am reluctant to go out with her.  When really I am reluctant to go out and the fact that it is with her is what makes me willing to go.  Like right now, I have a club meeting to go to.  It is my club, my hobby and yet I am reluctant to go.  It helps that I will know about half the people fairly well. 

Even so, I am mainly going for the door prize as apposed to chatting with the guys... .:)

 

Remember... .pwBPD are very sensitive to rejection... .very sensitive to lots of things.


I took your "thanks for a warning" as a touch negative. 

Warning is generally an "alert" word... .you rarely "warn" people about positive things.

Yes... this is matter of opinion... .but... my guess is warning equaled bad to her. 

"Yes... .I'd love to go... .and thanks for giving me plenty of advance notice... ."

I think that may have been what you meant to say.

If you say that to her... .she may just hear "yes"... .that's fine.

FF

That's the key: you are reluctant because you are an introvert, but she took it as personal to her.

This is common- for them to take things personally even if they were not intended to be. You can't help that. You can not change how someone thinks. However, you can be aware of it.

She may react this way, but you don't have to respond to it. It is her feelings, but feelings can feel like facts to someone with BPD.

Still, if I were your friend, and invited you to a party and your response was " thanks for the warning" I would think you didn't want to go. I might not take it personally, but I would get that impression. Generally when someone is invited to a party, the socially appropriate response is " yes, thank you, I would like to go" or "thank you for inviting me, but I am unable to attend". The invitation is two fold- one is the event, but the other is the act of inviting someone. It says " hey, I like you, I want you to come with me". Even if you can't or don't want to attend the event, it is appropriate- and socially expected- to acknowledge the act of being invited by showing appreciation.

I'll give a more extreme example to illustrate the point.

Let's say the issue is someone that is insulting you.

They give you a compliment... .

Your response is "Thank you for not insulting me anymore". 

Did you really thank them?  Technically perhaps you did... .but I think most would realize that it wasn't a true thankful statement.

So... .with pwBPD... .you have to sometimes overdo something positive for them to hear it.

And a "hint" of negativity (to a normal person) will sound like a stadium full of football fans booing to a pwBPD traits.

FF

When it is all boiled down, what I am the most upset about is the lack of fairness or balance in our relationship. However, I have no one to blame but myself. I knew it was part of the terraitory when I decided to stay in this marriage.

Bair, I am very sorry for your struggles.   I too am an introvert. I have heard that introvert/extrovert split in a marriage is one of the hardest things to navigate. How was this handled during your courtship? Was it a less of a problem then?

Words matter... .look at how you wrote this... .

What if it changed to

"I have no one to blame for myself.  I have made choices about the balance of fairness in our r/s."

How do those sound different to you?

Which one sounds more fixable?

FF

You don't need to "blame" anyone. It is what it is, miscommunication is part of the deal. Once you recognize that you learn to cut your losses before it gets any worse, ot under your skin

In this case her reality is she perceived your reluctance... That must be about her, as everything is.

Your reality is you were grateful for the heads up.

Her needs are more urgent than yours so your reality can't trump hers, so don't try. That stress bus has already gone. Don't chase it

Don't think about fairness, think about different abilities. In my marriage yes I do nearly all the housework... is that fair?  ... .I get to go out and have a fun time without anxiety stress and depression, my wife doesn't... is that fair?... Bottom line is I have a better life quality than she does and i wouldn't swap places... So whos got the better deal?

It is easier to deal with the mess in the house than a mess in your head

It didn't seem to come up much.  That is 20+ years ago so my memory may have dimmed.  It wasn't until we were married for few years until I started being told that there was something wrong with me.

The first sentence doesn't seem to fit. The second sentence works.  I made choices.

That sounds like something different then. I'm sorry you've been experiencing that. I don't know how the evolution of borderline works. My experience was probably very different then many other people's on this board.

Some of it may have been how things changed for me.  When I was single, I was alone most of the time.  I suspect that I was more willing to go parties and the like.  After I was married, being alone didn't happen much, except when I traveled for work.  Then too, dealing with the borderline stuff and not knowing what I was dealing with, pretty much drained me.  It still does.