BPDFamily.com

I thought I would take a few minutes and talk about my first choice that I made about a boundary in my r/s and the power and hope that gave me for the future.  I would invite others to add their stories about the power of making choices about boundaries.

It was probably about a year and a half ago.  I had recently found out about BPD and then found this site.  My life was in chaos.  One of the places where there were constant arguments revolved around things my wife would read in my email and texts.  Usually with other women.  She saw affairs... .I saw work colleagues and business associates staying in touch. 

For years my wife and I had practiced "openness" in our communications where we each had the others passwords.  Slowly over the years it became less of a monitoring tool and more of a source of conflict as my wife continued to "move the bar" over what was ok. 

She eventually would say things like I shouldn't be talking to any woman unless cleared by her.

Anyway... .I discussed options on here for a while and discussed the concept of "secrecy" versus "privacy".  Ultimately my decision was that it was my email account, my password, and my communication.  I was not trying to be controlling of my wife's behavior at all... .I was controlling my behavior with my password.

She was welcome to go to the log on page and type in passwords all day long... .that was her choice.

Boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries


One of the concepts that I am so glad that senior members hammered home was the concept of consistency in boundary enforcement.

Be consistent

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

In fact I delayed implementing this boundary until I was sure I was ready for it.

At first... .she didn't notice.  I didn't make a big announcement.  I just changed the password. (actions... not words)

Probably about a week or so she told me she was having a hard time getting into the email.  I let her know that I changed the password. 

She asked if she was going to get it... .I simply said no.  (had also been getting lessons on JADE)

A couple weeks of her pushing... .backing off... .pushing harder... .griping... complaining.  I'm sure I did some JADE in there but the critical thing is that I kept my password.

Well... I was feeling pretty good about myself, but was getting warnings from senior members to be vigilant for extinction bursts.

OH... .I got one.

Well, one night as we were involved in foreplay (completely naked) I was about to enter her and start having intercourse with her (trying to be appropriate... .yet explain the tactics she used... .    )

In a evil voice she said "You want to get in there... .don't you (or something like that).  If you give me your password I will let you in, if you keep your password you aren't getting in there again"

Luckily... .I didn't react (much) and rolled off her an prepared to go to sleep.  I said something about each of us having choices and after that she caved in... .and acted like password was no big deal.  Poof... .it was like magic.

From time to time she will grump about email... .it usually passes in a few minutes.  I've also messed up and left a browser open and she can't help herself... she snoops.

But I decided to hold the boundary and it worked out just as the lessons and senior members predicted

The point of this post is that after the big extinction burst of denying me sex... and I got through it... .I realized that I really did have choices.

That gave me hope.  I now had real word experience with the "order to the disorder"... .

Making a choice for me was THE turning point in my journey in "BPD land"

Looking forward to stories of others or anyone that is struggling with choices.  Feel free to post here... .or ask questions about my story.

FF

Thank you SO much for this. I'm been thinking more about boundaries but I"m not sure yet if I'm strong enough to withstand the extinction burst. I also haven't gotten to the "Boundaries" section of the lessons. It gives me ideas on how to go about setting them. Still not quite ready though but it gives me a lot of think about.

Very wise to delay... .come up with a plan to build your strength.  Keep taking steps forward towards strength and emotional health.

FF

I know this wasn't funny at the time and probably hurtful, but I just cracked up at the password moment. Good for you for holding on to that boundary. I can't decide if I would have gotten angry, laughed, or made up a silly or suggestive password up in the moment.