BPDFamily.com

Why did he went silent after sex?

He asked for understanding and Said "once i cleared everything i let you hear from me"

He left me after i confonted him in his silent treatment with a lot of "not making sense" exuses... .

 

Confronting a pwBPD is not a good idea. 

Please read the lessons... .ask questions about what you read there.

How long have you been getting ST?

FF

He gave me silent treatment for a month... .

I went home to his house and confronted him...

Then i got a text that told me it was the first and last time i would do this to him, that im immature, that he liked me but didnt see a future as in a relationship... .

Why is it not a good Idea to confront him?

When i saw him about 2 weeks ago he told me that he wanted me but that his heart Said yes about us but his mind Said no?

"Chasing" a pwBPD is not a good idea... .

If he doesn't want to talk to you... .confronting sets up a thing where he can run... .and do what he did.

Ask him to go get coffee with you... .you just happened to be in the area... .if he says yes... .great... .go with him.  If he says no... .go enjoy coffee anyway.  Be very nonchalant about it.

FF

When i saw him last time HE suggested that we meet up after he comes back from italy to have coffe together... or he change his mind like always

Im hoping its going great...

 

He felt like it in that moment... .future plans are dependent on how he feels then.

When you think of a BPD person you are dealing with feelings that change... .frequently.


FF

Okej, i have noticed how he always change his mind about almost everything...

It feels like he have me like a "safety"

He wants me to hang-on there... If he changes his mind again and want to be with me

 

Instead of change mind... .think about feelings changing.

pwBPD have feelings that "rule" their minds... .where most other people let their minds "rule" their feelings.

FF

It is important that you drive your own life and don't leave things hanging on a pwBPD to make decisions, you will end up doing nothing by default.

As FF says their feelings change, if you are constant and clear about who you are, what you want, and what your path is then it focuses their feelings. But if you are waiting for them to make up their mind they have no structure to base their feelings around other than their own, which is unstable, so their feelings will equally be more volatile.

Better their feelings oscillate around your life than you life trying to catch up with their feelings.

Indecision can expand to fill the space available to accommodate it.

pwBPD have a unique way of procrastinating, rather than endlessly weighing up pros and cons until they come to a decision, they will quickly oscillate between definite yes and definite no decisions in response to individual pros and cons as they think of them. The result is the same no considered decision is made, and it messes with the arrangements of everyone around them

Wow, thanks! I understand it better now... .

Maybe this is why he said that his heart says yes about us, but his mind say no... .

I thought it was a strange way to put it... .But if it is the feelings that controll the mind it makes it even more strange... . 

I was initially resistant to my family therapists advice to discuss a topic... .usually about money or a big decision... .and then after indecision for a while... let my wife know that on such and such date I will be proceeding with X decision.

Such as,  On friday I will be signing a contract with a roofer to replace the roof on our house.

That was a big thing she just wouldn't get happy with...

I've used his advice and it seems to work out pretty well.

FF

Hi Cat,

It has to be extremely violating to be shunned after the first sexual encounter in the relationship... .building, building... .then gone.  

Two really important points:

• this is an affair and he lives with his wife and I'm assuming the family does not know about you (just a guess on my part - do you know?)

• after the "score", the chase ended, cold.

Why am I highlighting this? Because affairs, very often, are "additive" or adjunct relationships, and can become compartmentalized. The married person may be in a marriage that has a deficit (ie., romance has gone) but has many good things (e.g., kids, extended family, shared life experiences, friendship, financial basis). The affair adds the missing element and know there is a "three legged stool" with you being 1 leg. Remove any leg and the stool falls.  In short, his relationship with his wife has a deficit and his attraction to you may fulfill that deficit, but he may not see it as replacing the stool.

What may have happened here is that the relationship compartmentalization has been fractured. Your partner, for some reason, feels conflict.

What's the conflict? It could be many things. It could be many things not related too you, specifically. It could be good, bad, or neutral.  Neutral could be that he is trying to sort out what he really wants. Good would be that he needs, as he says, space to exit the marriage.  Bad would be that he realized he can't have his cake and eat it too, and as much as he likes the extra leg on the stool, you are going to threaten the marriage.

This is hard stuff. But I think this is the puzzle to solve with respect to him. Does this sound plausible? You have far more information than I. What do you know that would make it clearer whether this is good, bad, or neutral?

There is also your considerations- where is your moral line in terms of being part of this family breaking up - what can you live with, what will break you down. I assume you believe that he other relationship is done and you are not part of its demise.  You may assume you are just the final nail in the coffin. My question is not judgement (we don't do that here), but rather asking you at what point will it be something you don't want to be part of?

There are very hard questions and I'd take my time working through it here with the members at a pace that is comfortable for you. I'm just trying to frame the issues to answer your question - "why the sudden silence?"

The Staying Board is about finding solutions.  

Skip

This was the greatest answer ever... .

Thank u so much!

Let me start with his situation with his spouse(no kids with her,but another woman), he claims that his relation to her is "f*cked up" that there is no feelings what so ever... They have separate bedrooms and never give eachother any intimicy.

He did told me that he can talk to her and that he see her as a good friend...

What worries me tho, is that he talked bad about her when i first met him...

And the things he said about her i see as very private, so i didnt quiet understand why he wanted to sheer that with somone he just met?

He told me she was mentally ill, and had a lot of problems... .He wanted to leave her but he couldnt becase he "always want to save people"...

About this sex thing, we did have it twice, the first time he would say that i have made him feel alive again and that he dreamt about beeing in a relationship with me, and that the age difference was not a problem for him... .

I have thought about this whole situation... .But my biggest problem now is that he claims that i am so important to him and that he thinks about me all the time and that he do want me somehow, why say this when he told me he didnt a month ago?

He did also tell me that i was Only having sex with him so he would like me more(What the heck?) as i see it, it was me showing that he made me feel secure and that i really could trust him, and because we like eachother... .

He made me belive that he was going to leave her because he wanted to be with me, that he wanted this loving relationship... And because all of their problems!

Its a hard time understanding, i have never experienced this before. And now knowing he is saying to some of my friend that im "after him, that im soo in love with him" and so on... .

Im really confused about this.