BPDFamily.com

I've been seeing a woman for 7 months. She has mild BPD traits. Regarding sex, she's simultaneously a prude and adventurous. She's insinuated that she'd like to get sexual with me at some point. We have complications, such as we both live with our parents and she has a kid. Privacy is an issue. She's told me she's not sure about having sex with me, but last night she told me that she feels "sexually frustrated." Not sure what to make of it. I'm afraid to initiate hand holding or kissing beyond s peck on the cheek. She's had a lot of men get handset with her before she was ready and she dropped them.

*welcome* Sweet tooth

Life can be fill of mixed messages when dealing with people wlth BPD. We understand the confusion this can cause for partners.

Have read up much on typical BPD behaviors?:BPD BEHAVIORS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187)

What aspects make you suspect BPD?

If she has BPD most of what she will be saying wil be the thought/feeling of the moment. This is often inconsistent and contradictory.

It is important in this environment to stay consistent in yourself rather than constantly trying to second guess, and playing catch up, in order to appease.

Feel free to tell us more

Waverider

Waverider:

I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis. However, she has exhibited some BPD behaviors:

-I've seen her drive wrecklessly in a parking garage.

-She frequently contradicts herself. I've noticed a weak sense of self. She constantly changes her mind regarding career goals. She waffles on her religious beliefs. Sometimes she's a Christian. Other times she's a Buddhist. Sometimes she will change how she dresses (usually fairly conservatively) or acts to accommodate other people's views.

-She has had a string of unsuccessful relationships with abusive men.

-She has told me she has a difficult time maintaining friendships.

-She will become withdrawn for days, weeks, or a month and then usually reappear as if nothing ever happened. The latest time she told me she was feeling depressed.

-She's generally emotionally unstable. I get a "Jeckyl and Hyde" effect between somebody who is completely withdrawn and ignores me to somebody who is outgoing, fun, and likes my company.

-She openly has a fear of commitment and abandonment.

Like I said, I don't know what it is. However, she is "off." I've been trying to convince her to go to counseling.

Also, I have very little dating and relationship experience. I don't know how much of this is just me going into panic mode because I'm venturing into uncharted territory. I've never been this close or comfortable with a woman as I am with her. I've never experienced intercourse. I was abused and it's been an issue for me all my life. I want to make love with this woman soo badly when we're ready. It's extraordinarily frustrating.

There is a fair chance that this makes you vulnerable to being with a pwBPD as the  red-flag  dont come as readily, or put you off as quickly.

Do you feel your anxiety and self doubt increasing?

Counceling wont do any good unless she really wants to go for her own reasons

Yes, my anxiety and self doubt are increasing. I am going to counseling.

Two different perspectives on mixed messages... .BPD perspective and 'healthy relationship' perspective.

The healthy relationship perspective on mixed messages is simple, especially when a relationship is just starting out... .

You are worth being with somebody who unambiguously wants to be with you. Take a yes/no/yes/no/maybe/yes/no as a "No, this isn't good enough for me" and move on.

Maybe it is mind games or testing you--and if she's doing that now early on, most likely they will continue or even get worse. I'm not interested in somebody who plays games with me or my heart. I'm worth better than that.

Maybe she's confused and doesn't know what she wants.

For me, if I'm looking for a woman, I want somebody who knows what she wants, chooses it and goes after it. (And I'm it!) The reason for the mixed message doesn't matter too much--it isn't a good sign, whatever the reason.

I don't mean that a r/s has to jump immediately to sex--If a woman tells me she needs to go slowly into a r/s or sex, I'd honor and respect that. That isn't a mixed message like you describe.

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The BPD perspective on mixed messages is a little different... .well, perhaps not its impact on you, but the rationale behind it is a little clearer.

A pwBPD tends to believe that whatever they are feeling, RIGHT NOW, is an absolute fact, and they will more-or-less modify their understanding of the world so that everything in their past, present, and future perfectly fits those feelings. And their feelings change often, which requires them to re-define the world that often.

So she's feeling horny one minute, and pulls you in.

Next time you see her, she's feeling scared of being hurt by jumping into a sexual relationship too quickly (again!) and pushes you away.