BPDFamily.com

My BPD and i are in a cycle of constant breakups/makeups

This has stemmed from me finding out about something she did which hurt me, which she also lied about until i showed her proof. When she finally then admitted it.

Initially she was very apologetic and somewhat understanding

however since then she resorted to playing the victim and pushing me away, blaming me for getting angry at her and saying i was "abusive" for being angry.

I am trying to repair the damage but i have been trying to explain that I only got angry due to her actions, but that i accept her apology and now we need to try and move pas this

she responds with things like "i know, you just really hurt me"

an i'm like "ok, sorry i got angry, however your actions hurt me, and that's why i got angry, can we just get over it now?"

And she's like "i am just upset that you got angry, i dont know if i can trust you not to snap at me"

See how this whole situation makes no sense?

Advice?

I'm not trying to be trite, but I don't see the validation part of the exchange. I only picked up on you telling her how to feel. What do you think?

What i think is that she directly broke a boundary and did something which, to be quite honest, 99% of people would not forgive.

I got upset, which i think was more than justified since she did this thing that i don't want to go into

As i say she begged my forgiveness (knew what she had done was wrong)

so i forgive and then got over it

now she is punishing ME for being upset

A comparrison would be if someone punched you in the face, then got mad at you for being upset, it's a diversionary tactic and i do not appreciate it.

She is not validating what she did wrong and that it upset me, she has shifted attention to my reaction to her transgression, in the process what she did wrong has faded into the background while the focus is on my reaction to it.

It makes no sense

can you see why i'm frustrated?

I'll also add that i attempted to end the relationship at this time

She begged for me to not end it so i didn't and now she's telling me SHE needs time to figure out if she can forgive me for getting angry

i'm losing it here

Sounds like she may be angry at herself for losing it. The splitting is confusing, and it's understandable for you to be frustrated and angry. You know she's like this. Can you work with the tools here and try to validate her frustration in order to reduce conflict, and provide space for both of you to regroup?

Well it's difficult

I have strong codependency traits and on top of that the thin layer of trust i had for her is literally as thin as the thinnest thing imaginable.

I know her damn well and likeleyhood is she's already talking to a possible replacement. Space can be healthy but at this time i don't honestly trust her enough to leave her to her own devices at length

i realise this is no basis for a healthy relationship

I don't think anyone here should judge you on what's healthy or not. This is the Staying Board. If you're committed to staying, we can support you, in conjunction with using the tools here. Post-relationship inventory can be done on Undecided or Leaving...

Aside from your co-dependent traits (I personally don't like labeling all of us as Co-D), what do you really want, based upon your core values?

A honest and open relationship

no lying

good communication

I can deal with all of the borderline traits except from the dishonesty and dreadful communication, they are incredibly draining to me

I can't argue at al, about your desires about the r/s. Can you,.however, accept her for who she is?

You can be more validating, even less Co-D, but can you accept her for who she is?

It's a tough question. My T asked it of me after my Ex left.

I don't think so, not unless she makes some sort of effort to change

Then how do you feel about that? Personalities at this age typically don't change. All you can change is how you act and react. Can you get on board with that?

she's only 21

but... .if i can't accept that then i guess i have to walk don't i?

Honestly i feel as though if i try stay in this, eventually i'm going to end up cuckolded and i'll be the miserable husband who knows his out of control wife is always out cheating on him but is so cut up that he just ignores it and pretends it doesn't happen.

Although to be honest, with her physical issues she may not live that long, which is a serious concern.

it's not going down that way