BPDFamily.com

That's going to be me soon.

Right now her closest foo is 2 hours.  We will be 5-10 minutes away from some of them in new location... .and a bunch more within 45 minutes.

Half of the foo is not speaking to the other half because of care issues with her grandmother.  In this case, my wife's mom did the right thing and got care for grandmother.  The others wanted to have a say in care, but not actually help.

My gut says they will never talk to each other again... . 

No need to hit all the details of her FOO... .but I will be in close proximity.

She triggers them... .they trigger her... .reference her and her dad yelling at each other over piano moving... .about a month or so ago (previous post)

Anyway... .I want to start out assertive and healthy and stay that way.  Hoping you guys can help me out.

Question:  What do I do if I am in the house and they start yelling at each other?

What if kids are present?

FF

I'm guessing FOO means "Family Of Other?" - so her family?

I think it's the same advice as for anyone in your house. If they start fighting/yelling when there are no kids, just leave - don't be a part.

If kids are present it's slightly more difficult. If you can, I'd annouce that you "don't allow that kind of communication in this house, please stop, or take it outside". If they persist, take the kids out for a walk. But you'll need to explain (in a good way) to the kids that yelling isn't a good way to communicate (but why does mummy do it?)

I have always assumed it meant Family Of Origin... .

Anyone else with a better explanation...

FF

 

By "yelling at each other" I mean...

FF wife:  "You can't tell me what to do... "

FF father in law:  "Leave it alone... .I've got it handled"

FF wife:  "you don't understand... .you can't tell me what to do... it's my trailer... ."

FF father in law: "I told you to leave it alone... "

keep an exchange going like that (repeating same things many times)... .

Started at a yelling... .and I would say ended in screaming.  I was on total opposite side of house... door shut... and it was loud for me.

I've heard things like this a few times in last year... .never before in the over 20 some years I have known them.

FF

Is the yelling at their house or your house?

If it is your house, then you can request no yelling. They may or may not comply but you can request it. However, it would be hard to enforce boundaries as I doubt your wife would impose them on her FOO ( hard to do with our own FOO and she may not want to).

I don't know if you can prevent the kids hearing some of this, but you can be an example of what is appropriate. Eventually, I think the kids will decide on their own. I know that my kids are not that close with my mother and her FOO, but they are close to my father's family. I had some influence- as I feel the same, but now, it is from their own experience with their extended family.

I recall as a teen hearing my mother yell at her father. I think I was surprised because she sounded to me like a teen ager and she was doing all the things that she would tell me not to do like " don't you dare talk back to me". It also upset me because although I did get angry as a teen, I would not have dared to yell at my parents like that. It also surprised me that she was yelling like this at her age. I didn't think adults yelled at their parents like that.

But it didn't affect me personally or feel traumatic, like when my parents were angry at me. Grandkids are a little bit more distance from that. Likewise, my kids are not impacted by my mother the way I was.

We have had discussions about boudaries and mental illness, but at an older age- teen/preteen. I think age appropriate discussions are OK.

It was at my wife's parents house. 

One time it was at our house via phone.  Phone one was first time I ever heard her yell at her father who is normally painted really white.

Again... screaming over the phone that he was not listening and didn't understand... .something about a renter in a rental property. 

FF

I think you are talking boundaries, here. No yelling or arguing in the house. If it happens, that relative is not allowed to come back, and wife can visit them elsewhere without any kids along. That probably sounds easier than it is to implement; wife will have to be on board with you. How do you think she would feel about working with you on this instead of participating in FOO drama?   

She would claim there is no drama... .and I'm overstating the issue.

Basically... .she is not onboard.

FF

I understand that you wish to have some control over your kids' exposure and also protect them, but with your wife not being on board, you really don't have any control of this. She would be unwilling to restrict access to her FOO.

I think then, you would have to focus on your parenting input, your role modeling, and validating their perceptions and feelings- helping them establish healthy boundaries.

Sooner or later they may speak up for themselves- say they don't feel comfortable around the FOO, and in this case, these are their boundaries and at least you can reinforce them and respect them.

Once we were out and overheard a couple arguing. One of my kids started to giggle and said " they sound like gramma and grampa". What was upsetting to me, they thought was funny. = because their boundaries are stronger than mine were.

Your kids may just surprise you.

That's what I figured you would say. Mine loves the FOO and IL drama so much she will start if if there isn't any.

So, the drama will be there, you need to find a way to protect the kids from it. Keep your keys in your pocket and leave with the kids every time it starts is the first thing that comes to mind. Even if they don't get the hint after while, you are at least protecting the kids. 

Would the family be open to learning how to validate her?

                         from what I know of the family, this type of thing is not discussed and would be greeted with hostility, or it would be thought of as "weird talk" Lots of black and white, who is wrong or right thinking/discussions.                                      

FF