BPDFamily.com

I need some advice.

My wife has BPD. She has been acting out.

I suspected she was cheating so I checked the phone logs on our mobiles via ATT.

So I did my research and found out who this guy is.

What I want to do: Call this guy and tell him to leave my wife alone.

Why? I feel like its something I can control/influence/do something about.

Why not? Because I feel like it wouldn't do any good, it will potentially blow up in my face, and I feel my behavior is more like my wife's than my own. I want to deflect this onto him. Whether it will be effective or not, I have no idea.

She is taking risks. I can't stop her. I can't control her actions. She may be mentally ill but she is making the decisions.

Qualifier: We are supposed to go on a trip to California today with our son.

I'm really just so pissed that I want to call her out on it but the trip will be blown... .

My alternative: know that she is cheating and eat it. Go along with it. Bring it up after the trip, have her accuse me of not saying anything beforehand, and have her use that as an excuse to wipe any good memory of the trip from her memory. We can forget about any empathy towards me and how I may be feeling. I'm not sure I can handle the craziness for much longer. I feel like I'm becoming her/becoming BPD myself... .

Is he married? Kids?

Concerns,

So sorry to hear what you are going through... .For now I would gather more information, and evidence with regard to the affair - check her internet history, phone record, call logs etc. The more evidence you have, the more of an upper hand you will have on the situation. Are you on good terms with her parents? If you are it is always a good start to talk to them, and see if they can get her out of the affair fog that she is in now. That will obviously also depend on the type of relationship she has with them - like if she cares what they think of her... .

My wife who has a spectrum of personality disorders always had and acted out the typical PD behaviors during most of our marriage, but they were somewhat tamed so to speak, due to the fact that most of those years she was on medication to subdue it. Two years ago, she decided to wean herself off the medication, and stopped completely - thats when all hell broke loose - she went on to have multiple affairs.

Thanks to the intervention of her parents and their help in getting her back on her medication, she has now stopped her infidelity and really trying, as best as one can expect from such a disorder.

If you are able to break through, or have her parents break through to her, I would highly recommend her seeing a medical professional and getting her on some sort of medication - it definitely helps reduce the chaos in the relationship. I know how it hurts thinking about how it will effect your little one, and what effect it will have on them by splitting up the family - it sucks, and that is why I made an effort with all the hurt that was inflicted on me, if anything, I did it for my children. Hang in there, and do your detective work, and see if you can talk to someone that can talk to her, and bring her to a realistic place.

Dear Concerns,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I was recently in the same situation as you and know how troubling this is.  When I learned of my wife's affair, I contacted her paramour and he denied everything as did my wife.  The only change that occurred was that they went more underground and she started using a second phone that I was unaware of. After I found that phone she went to a 3rd phone and started instant messaging him which took a couple more months to find. I would not call him or let her know you know anything at this point. I would continue to gather information until you are completely sure of the affair before confronting her.

Once you are sure of the affair, then bring someone else in to help. If she is in counseling, let her counselor know what is going on if you can.

As for your trip, try to make it as memorable as you can for your son and don't bring it up before then. I know it's going to be hard to do that and not focus on what you know but you want your son to have a great experience. If you can hold off for a couple weeks while you gather additional information, she won't associate it with the trip.

No matter when you let her know, it's not going to be easy. Focus on your son and his needs and try to have a great trip.

Skip: I don't think he has kids. He seems like a professional type that doesn't have room for kids but I could totally be wrong. Suave/player from his headshot... .caveat-we live in Vegas. The meat market here is extensive. She is very good/obsessed at presenting an image of herself, hiding her illness and gaining empathy. Yet I still want to tell this guy to leave her the f*** alone because she is married and has a kid. I will not do this. She could have told him she was single for all I know.

Downintx: Basically, I've done the detective work. She goes out with her single friend and she is encouraged to cheat on me. Her going out is a recent development after she went off her meds. The second time she went out, she came home and sent him two texts that were deleted from her phone. No texts between them for a few weeks. Before she went out last night, a series of texts between her and her gf and new texts from him. What I think is that she hooked up with him the first time. And he reached out to her yesterday before she went out. My relationship with her parents is good esp her mom. Her dad is the strong silent type. Her relationship with them is strained at best. She holds onto alot of anger associated with their treatment of her however justified or not. Her mother's reaction: get rid of her... .

I've sought med help for her. She is resistant. She is fickle and over the years has gone off all the meds prescribed at some point for various reasons:they make me sick and i've gotten fat are the two big reasons. I could have her mom talk to her about her cheating but her mom won't be nice about it.  

Thanks, RaisenCane. Its good advice. Taken to heart... .

What are you thinking at this point?

In general, getting visibility on these things is helpful - preferably with her participation.

I wouldn't sit back and let it develop - these things get more complicated with time.

  If you are solid that your "detective work" is over, move to action. I second skips comment about getting more complicated.  Once you know, you are involved, like it or not. I was involved in one "thing" like this and my regret is not getting the information out sooner (exactly what Skip is alluding to) My wife's sister was cheating but it couldn't be proved.  My brother in law was heartbroken, but felt he needed proof, I agreed.  She would have denied it and did deny it until the proof came out. The quick version:  Brother in law wanted to hide his detective work, so we put it on my credit card.  He had what he thought was semen from the guy on his wife's clothes.  I paid for the test to confirm.  It confirmed.   My hope was it would be a turning point for SIL and they would reconcile.  This was way before I knew about BPD.  She is way worse than my wife.  BIL could have handled it better if he knew about "lessons" and rules.  She denied it, saw proof, realized she was trapped and went into fight/attack mode.  Everyone stayed very "black" for a long time.  Very religious family, so there was no hiding that she was an adulteress.  Very messy divorce, still messy today.  Been going on for 10-12 years now.   The timing element I mention is that it became obvious to the family that BIL and I (and my wife) knew about this for a week or so before SIL was confronted.  We are often seen as "plotters" because of this period of time. Do I think I did anything wrong.  No.  Do I believe it could have been handled much better, absolutely. Hang in there man.  Involve as few people as possible.                                      

FF