BPDFamily.com

 Today is my BPD-ex's birthday  and we haven't spoken in 8 days. I'm going to do my best to treat this like any other day. I'm lucky that I won't see her that much at work Today because I'll be out of the office for most of it.  I will not say anything to her today. I will not beat myself up tonight thinking about how she spending her birthday. I will just get through this day.

I have recently broken NC to try and get closure and although it sort of worked it does reset everything back to 0 pretty much. You are better of sticking to is add 8 more days, then 8 more and so on until you don't even need to think about how many days it has been.

I am starting to understand now why people on this forum call is a blessing. After being cheated on more than one and discarded for something "new and shiny" after 4 years I can start to see now its you that can make the change not them.

Stay strong and chat if you need anything!

Hi Anez,

I completely understand how tough today can be and you have been in no contact for a week. I think that birthdays, anniversaries, events can be a triggering time after the split. Good for you that you that you're spending most of the day out of the office. Tonight I would like to suggest self care, what kinds of things do you enjoy? Do you have someone that you can spend time with tonight? Has she attempted with communication because it is her birthday?

Thanks, guys. Appreciate the support. Didn't see her today at work and haven't heard from. Not expecting to hear from her, either, as I'm guessing I've been replaced and also our last discussion sounded like we'll never talk again. Which isn't a bad thing.

Spending the night with friends going to a basketball game. Will be good to be out and distracted.

A pwBPD have a chronic patter of rigid thought patterns and have "all or nothing" thinking. She may say that she never wants to talk to you again for now because things are too emotional and she may talk to you in the future.

My ex wife was avoidant when she left me and I was emotionally distressed and wanted answers. She hadn't given me closure. It was really hard but I think that the silver lining was that it gave me the adequate space to heal. The first year after the break-up was hard around birthdays, holidays, our wedding anniversaries and I think that once you pass that first year the second year is not as triggering but there can be trigger periods. I can also see how difficult that would be if you are working in the same office Anez.

It's good to hear that you are connecting with people and that you are going to a basketball game tonight. I hope that you have a good time with your friends and enjoy the game.

We've been good at avoiding each other at work, tho it's been hard on me because we used to always chat and hang out at work. But it's gonna get easier with time.

As for closure we talked once and it was her "I need space to work on myself" talk that didn't help me at all. Last week I tried to talk to her again and she said "we could talk 100 times and it wouldn't give you closure, you have to find closure within yourself."

This was after she told me a few weeks ago that she couldn't talk to me because just the thought gives her too much anxiety.

So that's the type of person I'm dealing with. Everyone at work thinks she's this fun outgoing girl - they don't know about us - but I know the real her.

Anez,

I think that a lot of members here didn't get closure and had to give themselves closure. Your ex would have to have self reflection because she's likely been avoidant due to her maladaptive coping behaviors.  I think that would be a hard to take when she says that she can't give you closure. I get the feeling the reason why she said that and her avoiding you at work is because it's too emotional for her. Her defense mechanisms protect her from avoiding her feelings. A pwBPD want intimacy and they become triggered by intimacy when we become too close to them only to push us away and then become triggered with the fear of aloneness and pull us closer which  can feel like crazy making behavior to us. You could say that it's an invisible disorder because the acting out is directed at the people closest  to a pwBPD, that's why your coworkers are seeing a different side that you likely only saw behind closed doors.

Thanks, Mutt. My therapist and I have talked a lot about how are part of her felt the connection between us but the bigger part of her is a runner and she'll always run when she gets too close to someone.

For her with me it happened after she asked if she could leave some stuff at my house for the next time she came over. I said of course and she did.

That's the last time she's been over.

I made sure I was the first to say happy birthday to him after we split... .didn't matter. Made me look like a sap. No contact is best.

I'm home from the basketball game and now I'm fighting off the demons. One of my friends who's very active on social media is at her birthday party. It's prob at a bar and it's prob lots of fun. I hid his Facebook posts earlier today knowing I didn't want to see what he might post tonight. I don't want to see photos of her out partying. I took Instagram off my phone to avoid it. I'm not checking Twitter. I'm fighting off all actions that will make me feel bad. Now I just gotta stick to those guns and get through it. I can do this.

that's actually surprisingly astute of her tbh

You're def not wrong, infer0. She has those moments that show me how deep she is and how she understands things, which adds to my confusion. But I'm in the steps of working through this and moving on. It's gonna get better.

those are all great steps anez. protect your recovery. how are you feeling today?

I slipped up this morning and sent her a text. Just said hi, hope all is well and sent YouTube video of a version of a song that I thought she'd like. I shouldn't have done that but I did. Maybe she blocked my number and that text will never be seen but I did what I did and I'm not happy about it, especially after getting through yesterday.

i wouldnt kick yourself too much anez. seems reasonable and appropriate. do you expect a response?

Thanks, once. Part of me expects a response but a larger part doesn't. And I don't know which one makes me feel better.

My ex never wished me a happy birthday but I tried to reach out on her birthday,wished her a great day and received no response,it just sets you back,I think they do think of us but won't or can't allow themselves to communicate

Inferno wrote "She said we could talk 100 times and it wouldn't give you closure"

----Does she lack the insight, or not understand closure? WHat does closure mean to you?

Mutt wrote

Your ex would have to have self reflection because she's likely been avoidant due to her maladaptive coping behaviors.

----Yes, they try to "cope" by avoiding triggers and avoiding feelings.  Do they lack the basic self-reflection to say to themselves "I have this trait/disorder that causes me to do a,b and c... .this causes harm in my relationships in such and such way"?  Would that be too introspective, or too painful for them?