BPDFamily.com

I'm not sure if this is the right board for this, so please feel free to move if needed.

My uBPDh and I have 3 cats and 1 dog. My H has a favorite relationship with one cat in particular. He talks to the cat and gives him lots of love and attention and this same cat does the same to him.

I've noticed over the last couple of months when my H is feeling sad or anxious but not dysregulated that he projects onto the cat. I'm gleaning a lot from his conversation about the cat. He will say things like "Rascal is sad today." or "I think Rascal is scared." or "Rascal's feelings are hurt." In all these scenarios, Rascal is just being Rascal with no out of the ordinary behavior. He sometimes does this with the dog too. We recently had another dog pass away and when he is missing that dog, he will say that the surviving dog misses Twister. In reality, he means he misses Twister.

Has anyone else seen this with their pets?

Meow meow meow... .lol. (with reference to that really annoying song).

I have not seen this but I have experienced people refer to themselves in the third person.

I wonder if there's something in this for you?... .I wonder if speaking through rascal he is removed and better able to articulate his feelings?

That's how I interpret it. When he does this, I get him to open up a little about his feelings before they blow up.

  While this is different, if it works, it works.  When you try to validate what he says the cat is feeling, how does that go?  If he relaxes a bit, then I think you have found a way to "target" the right emotions.                      

FF

It usually goes very well because he loves Rascal so much that just thinking about what Rascal is "feeling" makes him feel better. So when I lead in to what he is experiencing too he is open to talking about it.

Aww that's so sweet. I'm glad your husband has Rascal. It's wonderful that this allows you to connect with him better, as well. :)

I have seen parents do this by talking via their toddlers. Its almost dragging a third party into being a "validation partner' so they dont feel alone it it... eg "We are having a bad day aren't we"

This could be because of poor boundaries, - not knowing where "I" end and "you" begin. Not seeing Rascal as a separate being with feelings of his own, but as an extension of your H. It could also be a bit of mind reading- "if I feel/think something then you must be feeling it too".

However, since this doesn't seem to affect Rascal- what a great insight you have into what your H is feeling.

As WW said, this can also happen with children, but in this case, it does affect a child. The child may also grow up with poor boundaries, not knowing what are his or her own feelings and what are someone elses. An emotionally healthy parent helps a child develop boundaries by reinforcing them- validating their feelings - even if they are separate and not positive ones towards the parent. - the latter becoming a problem as a child grows up and begins to assert him/her self.

For instance, as WW said, a mother could be enmeshed with a toddler- but when that toddler begins to talk- says no, gets angry at the parent ( all kids do, especially when the parent says " no- you can not have that toy" in a store or cookies before dinner. ). The normal response of an upset toddler may feel threatening to a parent with a poor sense of self.

Cats are about the perfect pet for someone with BPD because a cat is in control of the relationship! As long as Rascal is being well taken care of, then he's going to be fine.

The cat is always the boss! And he is very well cared for--can you say spoiled?  . My H may go into rages occasionally but he has never ever taken it out on the pets. He is so gentle and kind and loving towards them. That's one of the things I love most about him. He enjoys all sorts of animals and has almost a magical relationship with them, even wild animals.

I say good for him, that he has a relationship where he feels safe to show his emotions! What can I learn from the cat to improve our communications?

Not to be reactive and when enoughs enough quietly leave and make yourself scarce and not be pressured into doing anything that you dont want to.

WOW yes!  I constantly get... ."look how upset YOU made_____ with all of YOUR yelling and screaming." The stories she tells of her guard dogs prowess' s are legendary, yet at the very first sign of the slightest raised voice... .the dog tucks tail and runs.

I find this very interesting... .it took me forever to find these boards ( a year)... .all during that time I wasted so much time and energy trying desperately to teach my bf the principle of projection... .he just can't seem to absorb the idea... .lol... .this idea of projecting onto the cat is laughable on one hand, and yet (now) makes so much sense... .I just never imagined there was such a well defined set of " symptoms"... .up until now I just could NOT wrap my head around what I perceived to be a deliberate behavior on his part... .wow. Anyway, your post immediately made me think about how my bf constantly refers to himself in the third person... .never could understand it before, just thought it was an idiosyncracy, now I realize, belatedly, how it is a way they tolerate and process emotion... .from a distance, and even through... .cats!