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Friday I had to testify at a deposition in which I was peripherally involved. The plaintiff's attorney was trying to pin responsibility on me for an excavator my ne'er do well neighbor totaled. My neighbor did a small job for me where he had fill dirt trucked from another property where he was digging a pond. As a favor, I paid to have his friend's excavator hauled to the other property. Some months later he wrecked it, long after my project was done.

A few months ago my lawyer husband received a phone call from the plaintiff's attorney as a "courtesy." They had a collegial conversation where my husband gave way too much information about the "free dirt." He told my husband that the defense was subpoenaing me and that he didn't think they were going to "come after" me. My husband, the people pleaser, was totally duped and even asked the plaintiff's attorney to represent me in the deposition, which I thought was weird, but I'm no attorney.

So a couple of weeks ago, his secretary calls and wants to schedule an appointment. Red flags come up for me when she asks for my address and says that he wants to see the dirt. I tell her nothing, other than "I'll get back to you."

Then I call my husband, who is out of town. He says that we can meet this guy in his office. I say "you don't get it--he's after me!"

Next I call our property insurance agent and a different lawyer, and they're both in agreement with me. When my husband returns, we meet with the new attorney and there's not a lot of exposure, but we could be dragged into a nuisance lawsuit and that could prove expensive.

My husband wants to be at the deposition and is willing to drive the nearly hour long trip. I'm glad he's not representing me because he's clearly upset and not thinking well.

So I try to quiet my mind and relax, knowing I'm going to be grilled.

My husband keeps interrupting my meditation, asking if I'm OK. "Yes, I'm OK." But of course I'm not OK, I think, and much of it is your doing, since you gave ammunition to the enemy. Then he asks if I'm mad at him because I'm not talking. "No, I'm just trying to quiet my mind," I tell him.

I really wasn't mad at him, rather I was amazed to realize I couldn't trust his legal instincts to protect me.

"Are you sure you're not mad at me?" he asks. "Look, I say. This is not about YOU. This is all about ME and I have to be calm and centered when I go in there."

That shut him up and the deposition was grueling, but both he and my attorney thought it went well.

  Cat, I'm glad you made it through it, and have been turning you case over in my mind.  I have one caveat to my (and your thinking) that your husband was giving away things to be a people pleaser.  I would ask him to "help you understand" why having the plantiff's attorney represent you is a good idea.  If you don't get an answer or he avoids it, then I think he was cludo.  If he was a "smart like a fox" lawyer, he would try to rush the plantiff's lawyer into representing you, accepting a fee from you and therefore creating a conflict of interest.  It would also be a way to force the plaintiff's hand.  If they really were after you, they would refuse the fee because after they accepted they fee that lawyer couldn't sue you because of conflict.  It's really a small town (that's me) legal tactic.  Especially in divorce cases.  If you want to throw a wrench in things, go pay each lawyer in town for a half hour of their time to discuss a possible divorce.  That then forces the other party to go a long way to get a lawyer.                    

FF    

Yes, that's smart thinking FF. We did mention that he had asked the plaintiff's attorney to represent me when we spoke with the attorney I chose and he said that we could create a document with the other attorney and that way, he couldn't add me to the Complaint.

I think, by my husband's reaction, that he was absolutely clueless. That's what shocked me. He's a very intelligent guy, but he's so needy of approval and the plaintiff's attorney did some "good ol' boy" kinda "were in this game together" sort of rapport and he fell for it.

FF, you should have gone to law school. I like your thinking.  |iiii

There's definitely a narcissistic element to many pwBPD. My psychologist, though she has said my husband has a PD, has been reluctant to classify him as BPD, though she agrees that "splitting" will always be a part of his behavior. It's her view that personality disorders are so fluid, that they can have several characteristics of different ones, much like someone can be a "witch" as well as a "queen" and a "waif" or shift from one to the other.

I'm realizing that I've lost patience of validating him when he's so needy, so I guess I won't. I'll just work on not invalidating him and at the same time remember to keep healthy boundaries.