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I was 5 years R/S now 14 months since the B/U, I feel a whole lot better now that I don't hear from her or contact her but I do miss her sometimes , I started dating other women lately ,the red  flag went up twice I ran !

Right after the end of those mini relationships, and when I end up alone I tend to be wanting her back for anther try , even though I know she got engaged three months after her departure and live with this guy she's with ( ?) can't get a true word out of her .

As I am in NC for more than a 120 days she texted me once for $ and called me for an hour a week ago : Missed your voice , I think about often , send me a pic of our dog and the newly renovated kitchen  ,are you going to the next buying show in the first week of December (she helped in buying good at it ) .

I was indifferent and handled the conversation real well ,she avoided saying anything about her relationship or wanting to get back together and got curious when I said I am going out of town to visit a female friend of mine that got engaged lately .you never know her purpose of the call but I  Remained NC

Since that call I came back to this forum to help others and myself but not hurting at all .

I don't feel comfortable to tell her let's give it another try or ask her if she would like going to the buying show with me in early Dec very soon I know she will like that .

BUT  if she refuses , and rages again ,it will open some wounds also I don't need another rejection I had enough .but I think I  would heal faster this time Anyways and that will be my final try .

I feel that I should not contact her, but leave it as it is and continue dating , if she would contact me again let her do the first move , I have control now I don't want to show her that I still love her and care for another chance .

What do u think ?

I think you are on the right path.

You had a good exchange. Wait and see what she does next. It can take a fair amount of time for the dynamics to align where you might be able to advance this.

I think it would be real easy to read way to much in this and start pursuing her. That would be a bad move.

All her actions tell you is that she is at a point where she can be civil with you (anger is gone). It might be for a good reason, a bad one, or just an impulse. If you over pursue it with her or in your mind, you are working against yourself.

I'd look as it as a Valley and that you have gone all the way down the mountain and are now starting upward. How far upward will it go?  Depends on things in her life and her feeling for you, how the next call goes, sunspots. When do you act? When she has moved it significantly further up the mountain.

The good news is that this is no longer a "hate/anger" relationship and you are dating.

I'd stay the course on light dating.  It will do you the most good if you do reconnect or if you don't. Build yourself back up.

Like always Skip , well said thank you .

Hi guy4caligirl,

It could be there is a pattern in the dating that is meaningful. You date, get your hopes up, it doesn't work out, you feel lonely, maybe even depressed, and you miss your BPD ex.

Do you ever miss her when you are at the beginning of a date cycle?

I would say in the middle of the dating cycle , especially if I find myself wanting to leave the date .

But i can say if i meet a lady that i am really attracted to but nothing more than just crossing path ,i become hopeful it will come in time , i don't think of her, does that make sense ?

Yes, it makes perfect sense.

Dating can push a lot of insecurities to the surface. The thrill that "this might be the one" temporarily takes our mind off any negative self-talk we have. "I'm going to be alone the rest of my life" can become "maybe I'm lovable after all." Or "maybe I'm going to be in a loving relationship for once."

If the date doesn't work out, we're back to that negative voice in our head, and that can hurt. It's pretty common to think about the relationships that made us feel good, and to yearn for them, when we feel down about our prospects.

You are seeing potential warning signs in some of the women you're dating, and that's a sign you know you deserve and want something healthier. That's the best trajectory to be on, to keep finding your way, even when it seems uncertain and there is no one there to confirm for you that you deserve to be in a loving relationship. You have to provide that confirmation to yourself  :)

Thank you , a lot of work and time 14 months ,went into this process of letting go , nothing comes easy it's life .

Guy4 me

 a few minutes ago she texted and said this , amazing how they think .

no hi no nothing she goes :

As soon as I'm able to save money to get Botox again ( she use to blame for her getting wrinkles But I am out 14 months really ?)

I'm going back to the doctor in your "town " He's a genius ,and he gave me a great deal b.c i gave him cash .(Yeah my cash  lol )

A few seconds latter she goes I don't even know why I'm telling you   


I  have not initiated any contact with her in 120 days and still counting , this was her third try in three weeks .

What is going on she told me 4 months ago consider me dead and I did .

Your comments will be appreciated  , that call for  SOS  includes SKIP also if available thank you

She is opening safe dialog with you... .staying away from anything heavy.


She is feeling rejected and pulling back. She wants you to says "I'm interested in having light dialog with you".


guy4caligirl, she is opening a door of some type.  If you can let her lead and not over-respond, it will be best.  Most likely, if you over respond, it will end.

She needs someone to talk too for some reason.  There are lots of possible reasons - some good, some bad.

Thanks again for your wisdom Skip .

Give me a small and sufficient response to let her know that I would like to listen to her, I will practice the communication skills that I have learned on this noble site !

?Also I have another thread on L2 communicating with my fellow members and their feedback

Can you comment on that also ?

Thanks in advance .

Guy

Acknowledge that the Dr. does really good work - and giving a discount is great.

I just did text her : I agree that the doctor does good work , you can't beat the deal he gave you .

Hahaha as I was writing she text and said it's my face :) would never take any chances

It worked  :)

I gave deal of thinking of this newly developed sudden contact after 120 days NC on my part , knowing her very well, I feel that she's reaching out  for my help ,

I know money isn't the issue here , she might be realizing the lost of security she had with me a year and four months latter , as her fiancée has a regular job , and she's  is not capable of finding a job due to her illness , the best job that she loved  ever , and had was helping me when able  in my business, something she excel in and have experience with and enjoy ...

she knows well that there is a buying show coming up this Sunday , I felt her interest in attending ,that was  prior to our phone conversation where she text wanting to save some money to travel lots of miles to see a doctor in my town .


Honestly I was on my path of letting go and still am ,tossing this idea in my head doesn't hurt and consume me like in the past , therefore my question is :

How should I pop up the question to her by asking her if she would like to make some money she's welcome to come to the show with me and perhaps see her doctor she will have that money ?

I believe It's a good reason  but sadly it's just a week or two after she opened up some if not I won't be asking her anything that personal and keep going like I was and  see if she will initiate a meeting by herself .

Your comments are much appreciated !

Thank you all .

Guy

Do you think the timing is right and how should I break the invite to her ?

I wouldn't appear too eager right now. I've read how they like control,  once they see they have it, boredom ensues and distancing occurs. Don't engulf her, slowly but surely ramp up interest. Keep validation going

I think Sadmike' makes a good point.

Put this image in your mind. A puppy dog is thrown into a garage and forgotten about for 3 days. The owner opens the door and the puppy is jumping with joy and love?

You are about to validate her negative behavior and your low worth in one offer.

If you don't think you have value - no one else will.

Lay back. Be upbeat and happy and unaffected. Let her come to you. You've got it together.  

And don't get down if she doesn't come at you. She may instinctively do just that to see if you will scamper after her.

Remember, you don't know what is behind this. Could be she and her guy are having a fight or he is on a long trip. Could be that she is seeking some validation because she is not feeling good about herself. It could be that she misses "some things" about you.

Most importantly, its likely to be something small rather than "WOW, her was the perfect guy for me, I need him back". Why do I say this?  Because its really important to understand that if anything is to come of this, it will be built step by step.

Be strong. Be confident. Plant positive vibes. Don't over-pursue.

Can you identify what it is here that you're going for? To have her back in your life? To lure her away from her fiance?

You've done a lot of hard work to not feel consumed. Is that starting to change as you go down this path, there is second-guessing going on that seems anxious (understandable when we feel uncertain).

What do you think about Skip's suggestion to let her do the work?

I find the Verb LURE is misused in this case , luring is used for fishing ,we're talking about a human been here Liveandlearn , no one can lure anyone . Especially a BPD , I am just at a point to just sail away and don't look back ,she did contacted me , I didn't and I won't , 125 days NC. just making sure I don't leave no try behind ,what meant to be will be ... .

She has to initiate this  time not me And I agree with Skip yes .

BTW Do BPD's  recycle  after been engaged in a moth of a break up ?

I have an update folks, again and again I learned more and more not to respond ,and remain NC of course I still am .Her needs come first always .

There is pressure on her from her fiancée's father who now own the apartment condo and all of the sudden he wants his son to pay rent and his fiancée my ex BPD to find a job and start paying rent also whish's sorry to say she's not able I know her well . A dead line passed in the middle of November and guess what she contacted me after 115 days of NC that day Veteran's day... .whatta coincidence !

Looks to me that sudden contact and an hour phone call "missed your voice "  was caused by her fear of maybe getting thrown out .

her guy 31 is 10 years younger than her 41  , and the mask has fallen not only in front of the fiancée but his family and friends also , so the  , she couldn't find a job being living for free since the B/U 14 months ago , I think the mask had come down and now they all know her  real self perhaps.

She wanted to test the water with me but thanks to my experience I learned on here and listening to several points of views I was and still careful in answering short text of moderate validation .  

In NC i remain and no texting back.

Guy

Live and learn ... .

I can tell you're disappointed. It's good that you played it carefully... .

Can you explain literally what happened and what she asked for or said?  Was she reaching out for emotional support in a time of stress? Was she looking to work market with you to earn her rent money?

How did you leave it with her?

First of all Skip .

1-BPD was all over the place on texting from one thought to another in a few seconds .up and down ! nothing said that was worth mentioning other than the rent issue that I don't think she meant to tell me about it . A little girl in action like a butterfly .

also a job that she has been saying about working there and the reason she called me to give her good reference ,no one ever called me in 14 months asking about her .

She mentioned that she thought about me when she thought to get her mood stabilizer I made sure she had all her med before I buy food yes !

THE needs  her needs of course . I offered her to go to the buying show and make good money never responded and continued dazing !

2- skip how can you tell I was disappointed and why   :) ?

3- I have a thought that she burned her welcome but they can't straight tell her to leave afraid of a rage and faulty accusations , so they created that rent story , why now ? Umm the son is engaged to her and now the pressure to find a job for the future daughter in law ) I see disappointment in the future D in law here , I don't think this is happening soon) Not my business . *)

4-  Basically she was venting but in a Tornado kind of venting  

The same old her poor thing !

Btw she will be an excellent BPD to be on this site and help out with any question but Nah I am not giving her any idea also you all don't mention the site  ... .

PS; I could have easily triggered her by telling her that the rent creation thing Perhaps is deliberately thought but who knows and why  But for what I know what she would say , so no triggering I had done enough of that in the past no more it did not nothing  to improve the situation .

Guy',

It would help you and anyone posting to you if you could take the emotional and editorializing out and just describe what happened, in a clinical way.

Last we heard,  3 days ago she mentioned coming to your town to get botox.  You responded with a simple validation regarding the physician and the discount she was getting.

You then entertained possibly inviting her to work at the market with you in two, but decided it was too much too soon. You were going to let her reach out to you.

Your description since then is more about how you feel about what happened, rather than describing what happened.

What happened next - descriptive only (?

It's really important that we talk to ourselves clearly.

Skip

She did mention coming to the doctor but it's  just talk nothing serious I am positive about that . I responded just like you motioned and validated her that the doctor was great and gave her a good deal .It ended there .

Today she texted wanting to know the show dates.

I text  back and told her I will pay you that much so you can make some rent money and I would take care of all her expenses to the show and back, and suggested she can come back to my town and see that doctor and then fly back to her state. I felt that was important for her to know she is going back home. Guess what no yes or no response.

Instead she went talking about Silly stuff from the past nothing important.th

Then she changed the subject and mentioned what was on her mind at that moment, the rent thing and texted :"WOW right now I am stressing about finding a job  cause I have to pay rent my fiancée's dad gave me an ultimatum by Nov 15 " .

Then few minutes latter she text  I want Botox !

Go figure  (she had not had a job since left here 14 months ago ).

She vanished and no answer about the market . I am NC!

Let's deal with this at a little higher level.  *)


You knew this would be too much, too soon. You "way" and "way" over pursued her here. And to expect an answer right away is over-the-top.  Not beating you up Guy, but you can't make have unrealistic expectations and get pissed when it doesn't play out.

There are a number of issues for her (and you) to consider, like her engagement, live-in boyfriend, etc. For her to make commitment t take this job, she has to either get her fiancee's approval, break it off, or decide to sneak behind his back. And these should be significant concerns for you.

• It's possible that this is just about going to an old employer and doing the market so that she has money.  There is nothing wrong with this. But, if she is playing straight, she has to sort that with her boyfriend.

• It's possible that this her other relationship is showing the first sign sof hitting the rocks and she is reaching out.  In this case, it might take weeks or months to actually end.  And then there is your concern of not wanting to be a simple rebound.

• It's possible she is torn between the above and doesn't know yet where she is with all of this.  pwBPD are impulsive so this could just be the first test probe.

• It's possible she just wanted some validation

Guy, if you want to get back with her under healthy circumstances, you can't set up unhealthy or unrealistic expectations and then over-react to it not playing out as expected. It will take time, and maturity, and not stepping in the poo.  

After so many time spent on this site and life itself I came to this conclusion 14 months after the B/U

Don't think you know it all , I am still learning , when an ex BPD contacts you during your NC , try not to read anything in it , but expect nothing cause all you're getting is nothing but to pull you back , keep u hanging .

My last experience with one sided recycling failed , IT's OK it did , it effected me about 5 % why that much,  because I put in it 5 % of effort .

The only thing you can do is Ignore ,Ignore ,Ignore her when she reaches out  while  you're on your path and doing your thing NC

In my opinion if she wants you back she should do the chasing not you , and show up on your door step if you are healed and don't long for her and have someone else in your life just ask her to go back where she came from it's worth the trouble .

Is there anyone else that feels the same ?

Guy.

Skip , I'm  not pissed off I am not even disappointed I did not push her way way way at all ,,,a week earlier she asked me  about my annual going to the market with me  , but in consideration for her actual living situation I did not respond ,,,she even asked me earlier this past July , can I come for a month and work for some money ,I replied how about your fiancé she goes I don't care and he won't either  my answer was I care so NO

. I really don't hold any grudges to that man in her life , he is a man and she showed up ,he was available and she jumped on the situation to live in with him , I came to a peace with myself a while ago but  forgive if I say and I hope not ,he might be joining us soon (Bad one oops  )

 update She just called me I did not answer .

Does this sum up as: She contacted you in July, November, and December with interests in working with you at market as she had done in previous years. In July, you said no, in November you didn't answer, in December she asked/you offered.  She didn't respond immediately, you are going no contact.

What was your assumption in December that made you change your mind and offer her work? And then what was it that flipped this to "I need to go no contact"?

I'm not suggesting you should or should not employ her or take her calls - that is another issue - I am questioning if you are self-sabotaging? We can get caught up in these things and do that.

You knew there was a possibility that she was still engaged to be married and still living with her boyfriend and that her calls could have been any number of things (legitimate) other than "I dropped my fiancee, I'm left him, I want to get back". For example, she might have wanted to mend the damage between you. She may have wanted advice/help (e.g. a job reference)? Or in this case, she may have been following up on her previous call regarding a job assignment. There were also possible illegitimate things she may have wanted - to have an affair, borrow cash, play with you.

The benefit of not over-pursuing and letting it play out is to know what you are really dealing with.

Can you say what changed from you being happy and talking on the phone for an hour and then texting and offering her to work with you on assignment to "don't expect nothing cause all you're getting is nothing but to pull you back , keep u hanging." 

Did she "play" of did you jump ahead of yourself? Did she do you wrong?

I think I fell one more time to misinterpret her reason to get in touch with me . I am only human with lots of compassion .

I feel the honey moon period is over , something isn't right but who am I to know what's really going on , and to say the least I am waiting for her falling down No , change of emotional feelings,  YES  I don't wish any  harm to no one .

I don't stalk her anywhere on social media or elsewhere .

There is no arguments or bitterness between us I practiced the no triggering her thing , I had many occasions to do so in last few conversations , but I kept my coolness and calm , there is no change in the dialog it's still civil, she texted me back last night saying just have a few questions .I'll be in touch in the morning , she has no idea what I'm feeling and wanting  , she even called me last night and didn't answer .

I am exercising the let her initiate  contact no meant to say I am NC .no

Looks to me and I go with it's takes two to recycle , at this time there is only one me ,till then I let nature takes its course  ,no pressure at all from my side , I build back myself respect and not wiling to loose that for her or anyone else .

Does that sound good to you ?

I already know your answer Skip  :)

It's honest. That's hard. Good for you, Guy.

So now that you are back on terra firma, with a bit of a misadventure behind you, what is next?  Are you going to hire her and how can you do it and follow through in a healthy and constructive manner.

She is in a rebound relationship with this other guy. It may very well fail, as you expect. It might not.

And as you say, you don't want to do something unhealthy, like lure her into an affair, that is an unhealthy thing that has a high likelihood of failure. It seems more like you have to set up a constructive "non-relationship" with her for now.

What is a smart, safe constructive role for you to have with her?

I like the term terra firma nicely put "Terre solide " in French  ,Solid ground !

It really sucks being in this position , the not know , but if I got here so far I can also get there soon !

I do not believe in a friendship after a romantic relationship , not a good move .

I am thinking about when she calls today to say it was my mistake to offer her the job and I think we should call it off it's not healthy .

I am not going to say don't text me or don't call me anymore that's not what I want so I won't do it ,true  to myself also to her .

I am going to let the fate takes it's toll .

It's hard but , you can't make a blind horse see right ?

Luring is tricking I don't trick .I tried it before but not good at it .

There is no need for me to tell her that I am here if she needs me , this sound like use me if you need it

I am continuing my recovery and let things fall in place in due time ,Skip . |iiii

This is good.


So she really needs the money and the statement above could be invalidating.  

How can you navigate this to a place where everyone feels good, a strong and positive seed is planted, and then you let nature takes is course?

Anyone, what is the best way to proceed?

So you made this offer:


And her response was:


and then


It sounds like neither of you have confirmed what to do with this offer.

On the call today, she may want to pursue the offer.

I see you have a few options.

Say nothing if she doesn't broach the offer.

Say no deal (as you proposed, and Skip suggested would be invalidating) if she broaches the offer

Tweak the deal, with boundaries that are more clear -- find out what she is trying to accomplish by attending the show

Tweak the deal, with boundaries that are more clear, and ask to think about any details you need to think over -- this could be, you need to run numbers, or figure out details.

With another man in the picture, how he feels about all of this, and the question of where she will stay if she comes to town, and how much support you provide her, there are still unknowns.

Also, the tricky problem of her paying for botox when her rent is due.  

Whether to address that.

 

It's sucks doesn't it ?

Love is blind as my grandma use to say !

I thought to write a text just like this not sure yet if I should to keep out of this possibly triangeling case . I am not up for that I just want ,

to get on living and put things behind me and if it happens let happen if not I keep going with my life .

Here is what I would say :

I know you need the money ,and I also know how hard it is for you to find a job that you like .

God forbid , if for any reason you are pressured or feel unwanted there at the condo and been put in another ultimatum to exit .

Rest assured that you can count on me to  be there for you then to discuss and see what's your next move .

Any comments ?

I am been text bombed at this minute while posting" so what's the bottom line she texted and advised me to always say this Bottom line   

Okay !

I replied I see you have a few questions to ask me please do ?

Guy, this is probably not going to go over well and its over-reaching (you can count on me). It's hard to change communication style, I know. Remember, she asked, you offered, so the withdrawal is on your and at the very least, apologize.

I'd text her "can't talk now - will get back at______"  This will take the pressure off.


Looks like 1 and 2 are not options.

Is working her good business? Can you set it up so that it is professional and constructive - or will it be messy? Are you in a good mental frame to do this? What do you want?

I just did postpone the talk .

Very good advise I am going to the gym and have a good session , I'll get back with her latter now that the pressure is off .

 

No it's not good business at this time it was when i offered but i see no change in the way she proceed no firm answer just going around the subject .

I want her to intiate the move , if she wants to be with me i am not going to that route again no sir

She just text saying iok i will list my questions .

I want to stay calm and collective and am doing so thanks for all your help though

her last text said :

1-Info on hotel accommodations

2-Exact times arrivals /departures

3-Money Details


I hope I get some help here from you all  , sounds to me cold and suits her needs only noting more which is normal though, not what I accepted a genuine will to help in buying and wanting to see me also .

Again her needs are first nothing changed .

I feel I need to opt out from all this mess .

Could someone help me get out of this thing about the market that I created for myself ,without further damage and come out of committing to her to meet , with dignity and respect for  myself ?

I got a text from her at six asking "please get back with me "

I just text the hotel add the amount I will pay her ad the arrival and departure .

her last text was at 3 pm ET

I'll chime in until someone helps... .In case that helps... .

Are you saying you paid the hotel?

I am not understanding.  I thought you did not yet come to any agreement?

I am not sure I understand, however, this sounds impulsive to me.

What happened between this:
and this:


What feelings were going on for you?

No feelings , I am done .  and I can handle it .

Handle what?

What's the arrangement going to be?

Will you be taking her to the show and spending time with her?

You cant make a blind horse see my closing statement !

You may want to think this next step through carefully.

... .she agreed to go to the market , I asked if her guy knows about all that , she said of course , I couldn't help it and said ,how can he allow that ,she goes , it's none of your concern . I then called off the deal .

I think I read too much into it and had false hopes hoping to reconcile ,but looks to me she has no feelings left for me .She wants her needs I can't meet her needs if she's living with someone else.

What next ,,,is just to back NC and put this last experience behind me .

Do I have another choice ?

Is her priorities in order ?

Anyone available to advise ?

Guy, you are injecting a lot of "unhealthy" into the situation right now.  You know that.

Your old relationship died. She moved on. A lot of time has passed. It's a new ball game now and you have to accept what that means in terms of what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior.

If you were to look at the best case scenario of her souring on her current relationship, ending the engagement, and leaving him, mourning and getting on firm ground, and then exploring the possibility relationship with you - you are sabotaging yourself.

... .another possible scenario is that she just needs work and she is want to build an employer/friend relationship with you.

... .another possible scenario is that she just being impulsive and isn't on a path to anything in particular.

All of these will look the same from your current vantage point and if you over-pursue you will loss your dignity and she will push away and dislike you.

Push and pull is not attractive. Bringing old resentments to bare is not attractive.  Violating boundaries is not attractive.

This is the key:

I think I read too much into it and had false hopes hoping to reconcile, but looks to me she has no feelings left for me is not in a relationship with me right now. She wants her needs asking for work and I can't meet her needs if she's living with someone else.


Your decision was to accept her call and go from NC/high tension, to have positive controlled contact with her. This means accepting her for who she is and where she is in life and making healthy decisions so that you have a constructive relationship with her (friendly ex, employer, possible future bf) and not a destructive one (fighting old battles, having an affair, becoming an orbitor, etc.)

You don't have to do any of this. If you want to go back NC/high tension, you can do that to.

You have choice. Let's use it to get to a better place.

We had along texting period this morning and just ended now , I set my boundaries and end it like I should with dignity .

Thanks for all your help and hope some will benefit from my last adventure .

What did you learn about you?

This past year an a half was really painful more so than being in the 5 years relationship with an ex BPD  .

- I can't fix anyone they have to fix themselves  , accept the way they are or exit early on .

- Next time I will find someone I like , I am not going to take them for granted .

- I learned a lot about myself and why I stayed in a toxic relationship for that long I can't elaborate on the reasons but I know of them now , everyone is different and unique .

  -It's exhausting to have your way most of the time , got to accept that sometimes I can't but I sure do try my best .

- I used to don't take NO for an answer but now I know what it means ... .

-I feel that her impulse contact in my NC period was just like  dust in the wind , I thought I was healed , I read more in it so she opened my wounds but the bleeding is at it's minimum a band aid will be enough to close the wound .

I have a question on my mind that is still bothering me .

If I am her new guy engaged and living with hurting for money ,I will never allow my fiancé to fly out of town and meet her ex for five years at a hotel 500 miles away for a buying show for 4 days and perhaps loose her this way ... .

Can someone explain the motive of that ?

Is that healthy in an engaged situation ?

Add to that  the timing of start charging rent since the dad owns the condo after 14 months living for free and jobless , and gave her an ultimatum to find a job prior to Nov 15 ? I don't know what would happen after that cut off date .


Does anyone had that happened to him or explain what's really going ?

Would you let your fiancée go to a buying trip with her ex of five years ?

She just called me again for one hour and a half venting and crying they are putting too much pressure on her everyday to find a job, she knows I am the one that know she cant handle a regular simple job , the disorder cripple BPD 'S in a lot of different ways .

I was comprehensive and listened well and gave her my advise when she needed .

I made her  laugh a lot  and she felt better ,I even prayed for her and that  made her feel a whole lot better .

Now my assumption that they declare to run her away is very true , she even told me what she's feeling about it all . I don't want to use the word mask I will say the disorder manifested itself  in  front of the parents of the guy she's with been 10 years younger .

we decided to skip the market and go together for a trip , just to talk and be together ad see some old friends .

What a day can change God is our best guide ! Trust in him .

Again I am watching out for myself not to read in it too much I learned my lesson but I am sure there is something going on with the relation .

It feels so good to make a difference in someone else's life

Are you saying that she is living with this other guy (her fiancé), perceives that she might get kicked out because she is not contributing financially to the household (there has been no breakup or talk of a breakup), and the two of you are now going on couples trip together (shared rooms, etc.)?


Doing the market together was a toe in the water and a chance to assess the situation.

Is this a blind jump off of a cliff? You've been separated for months. You're still raw. She is desperate and on the "down low"... .that lots of risk.


So what happens when he finds out? Or kicks her out for cheating? She can't support herself, right?

Think it through.

No skip

Nothing of that nature , no physical contact or anything like that if she is still with him, I never cheated on her and she never cheated on me .

He is not helping much in making sure she doesn't have to pay rent he pressure her also .

I am staying out of all this . I just answer if she calls no talk about us .Also am not sure where this is going I learned my lesson .not to look into it much, she mentioned the trip not me btw . but again I am calm and just being me.

Any advice

Is this a blind jump off of a cliff? You've been separated for months. You're still raw. She is desperate and on the "down low"... .that lots of risk.


You  motioned that what do you by lots of risks ?

A trip together sounds to me like too much, too soon and at risk for lots of things to go wrong. There are other ways to explore things and learn that aren't as high risk.

I'm going to step aside, I'm dominating this thread.  Let's get others involved.

Hi Guy,

Earlier, you wrote:


So this:


is in conflict with what you wrote about friendship not being possible. If that isn't possible, then you are _____________.

You're managing your emotions, some of the actions are not syncing up with what you're saying... .intentions and values. This is how we get tumbled so badly in relationships, we lose sight of the guideposts.

I agree , I am assessing the position am in right now ,I am not trying to be friends, I am just there for her she is a mess at this moment and her parents do not even care ,and it looks like that guy she's  with is about tired of it , so she has no one but me , I do love her , I want to sleep on all this , and  go from there she was pretty down and under wanting to die, I never heard her saying that ever before , I comforted her and made her night more pleasant she might not know what she was talking about concerning the trip or the market together but I listened and said ok we will if you want to .

As for me I am just surprised of that change in one day she kept calling but couldn't tell me straight she's in trouble to find a job she finally vented out tonight that she is not that secure there . first time she said that in 14 months .

Tomorrow is another day .  

I knew something wasn't right since she first called and text about two weks ago when I started posting again . I was NC 120 days .

PS English isn't my native language some words I use come out strong maybe misplaced in a sentence I know what am doing though my conscience is very clear and clean,  god only knows so  Liveandlearned  You don't have to worry much about me . I do still firmly believe that friendship isn't possible after a romantic relationship so I am not-----------

I would like to share , my knowledge with those hoping to reconcile .

IMO there is nothing you can do or didn't do to reverse the outcome and reconcile , you all know it takes two.

If you are in the process of dating think of it this way hope that you find what you're looking for and remain NC with the ex Let things fall in place , as they always do.

Don't you think ?

Seems overly "black and white", guy.  *)

I think it would help to operate a bit more in the middle. If you look at this last "adventure" you flipped flopped from "hopes of instant reconciliation" to "no contact/no hope". You book her for a job, un-booked her - planned a trip, went "no contact" - she was trying to test the waters and connect but when it didn't met you full expectations, you reversed position.

I suspect this is not over between the two of you - there will be more contact - and it will end the same way if you push this hard and flip from one extreme to another.  I'm not suggesting that you should or should not reconcile, but rather suggesting that you steady your approach when dealing with relationship partners.


Lots of people reconcile.  Some have mid-term or brief recycles.  Many don't reconnect.  One size doesn't fit all.  :)

Who would think about not flip flopping when communicating with  BPD ex ?

I went with the flow , catered for her needs like for me to listen for once to her without pressuring her about a reconciliation .

I am on solid grounds ,I feel it with every once of my body , but as I said , it was her venting and shooting these ideas about the market or the trip , I didn't read anything in it and she's not  at all disappointed with me it was a mutual agreement not to go to the market then she suggested to go see some old friends I didn't buy in it  , I also might have miss expressed myself under this change in her situation  ,and I motioned to her that it would be considered cheating neither of us do that kind of stuff .

The bottom line is am painted white as of now she is experiencing tough times with her living situation , I don't blame her and of course I am NOT going to pursue her because of her actual stressful situation like I did early in the break up this will push her away and I am not wanting to do so , maybe she is realizing what we had and never missed her meds while together ,she confessed that she had not been on the mood stabilizer since she left , she asked everyone around her to give her the money not even a family member to buy it  , I will do when she gets her prescription filled this coming Tuesday and I will pay directly the pharmacy  ...

 I am not expecting anything , if she initiate contact I would answer if not I won't,

Rest assure that no pressure from me to reconcile or even address it with her , she left of her own unsure of her move , I expect her return on her own also if she likes ,if not am okay with it as I learned a lot in the last year and a half on this forum .

I am also very open to any suggestions from the board , every little thought helps !

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