BPDFamily.com

I am now in a daily contact  with my ex after 16 months of The B/U  .

She wants to come and visit pretty soon , looks like there is some changes in her situation , we have been talking , texting pleasant conversations, funny stuff we ,were together for 5 years so there is some history between  us .

Here is my problem :

She wants to come and see me  in the middle of this month DEC   and stay through out the holidays .

How would I approach her with  her current statue ? There must be a reason why this sudden change ?

Could be that she is triangulating you with her other partner. 

What's your fear?

That is only talks no action .

I would like to give it another try .

Maybe my desperation is showing, but if my ex called up out of the blue and wanted to spend the holidays with me, I would be ON THAT. Would I feel cautious, scared, skeptical, nervous, and perhaps even terrified? Sure as hell I would! But I'd do it, if she's serious about making that plan with you. Yes, it might hurt if/when she leaves again - and she very well might - but unless she's a physical or financial or some-other-kind-of danger to you or yours I'd say to let her start taking steps towards that.

But that's just me, and I'm not always as cautious as I should be.

No , danger or physical , just I think she got to a dead end with her actual relationship , she isn't getting enough support and his patience ran out . And perhaps she missed what she had and want to get better as she said  . Good point what if she does leave again ?

Guy,

As you indicated, she is jobless and the ex-boyfriends parents have given her an ultimatum to get a job - she is probably looking for another place to land (or a backup plan). Given the entire series of events over the last few days that have been "messy" and erratic and sometimes hostile between you, I would think she is running from where she is, not than running to you.

That's hard to hear, but the circumstances highly suggest. You don't want to put your head in the sand and not see the obvious.

Danger? Possibly the worst thing that can happen right now you become the rescuer's rebound and you jump head first and start seeking explanations and vindication for the hurts of the last 16 months to feel safe. I suspect you are inclined to do both with good intention. If this happens is highly likely the old demons will be back into the relationship.

And you may have the fiancee boyfriend begging her to come back. If she stays with you for the holidays, she may not have the option to leave and then you have "safety net" relationship. Oy-vey.

I don't know how to tell you to navigate this one safely. There is a lot of potential for hurt and for both of you to have unfair leverage and expectations of the other.

At the very least you should work out a series of "non-triggering" questions with the board members here and ask her for answers (not explanations). Things like:

• have you and ___ broken up

• will you have a place to stay in the new year

Maybe get a counselor involved and have him do private sessions with each of you first so he can help you both define what you expectations of the other are.

Ooo, yeah, I hadn't read about her bf/ultimatum situation. I support Skip's idea: you two might need to get clear about some things before you throw in on this plan.

I am over the questioning the explanation or vindication , I am to be blame to the failure of the R/S, we both knew pretty well why we separated and we were in an agreement  to do so ,but we both weren't  sure what we were doing and wanted at that time  .

I learned my lesson and I think I am ready  to give it another try ,  btw after I posted my threads she talked to me for two hours this evening , I can tell she is In a bad spot ,but not too aware of the circumstances that awaiting for her, as she survived before and will also survive this one with or without me ,she is not the desperate type neither I am  she is still applying for jobs and I am encouraging her and hinted she can have her old job back with me , but we both know it's not going to be that easy for her due to her illness , she also  confessed  that she needs to get better and work on herself , she is also aware that she has no room to waste her life anymore but to get better .


Your help and many of my friends and family here are there for me and I am for them in good or  bad times .

Isn't the moment most of us look forward for when an ex look for perhaps a reconciliation ?

There are boundaries that could not be broken , we all make mistakes , they also do and show no mercy due to the disorder .

When every case or situation is different , some is worth to reconcile some are not , I am glad to post about what I'm going through , one word :

Could make me see something I don't see .

I am on solid grounds after investing 16 months on this forum , I feel that I had found myself again, and she does acknowledge the difference in communication without triggering something that I had no idea about before I joined this forum , it does not limit me to deal with my Ex BPD in a calmer and civil way but it does enable me to be a better communicator in general .

For you all new to the site ,  Please invest the time to read and learn ,participate in topics that interest you say ,if you have something on your mind create a new one you might find your answer and save yourself some pain , I am sure all of us here are willing to share our experience  and learn from each others , and make a difference in someone's life we are all in thing TOGETHER .

Yes, it's the moment most of us look forward to when we are hurting and separated from a broken relationship and seek comfort from the pain by going back to the one our heart aches to be near.  But something about your situation strikes me as a self-seduction to make this what you hope for vs what it is.  I do wish you both the best in what seems an inevitable (to me) repeat performance. I just can't shake my powerful gut feeling that you are justifying how you want to see this in the face of some big red flags that are flying on my computer screen.  However, it comes down to your choice so don't feel you need to justify things to us.  I know I have had my own share of repeat performances before I truly found my self.  And the BPD in my life said for 15 years that "time is running out, I need to get it together before I get any older!"  Moments of self-reflection typically lined up with the need she had for me to help her leave a disintegrating situation.  I do believe you have increased your self-awareness on this forum in a head-knowledge way and have had a hint of finding yourself but the way you write about it reeks (in this thread) more of defensiveness and surrender than one of victorious proclamation.  We are all in this thing together, I agree, too, which is why I'm sharing my observations with you.  Reading and learning are not the same as walking through the fire and coming out the other side... .and sweet promises from afar are not the same as living under the same roof.   Good luck. I hope you two can beat the odds!

Well said thank you !

Guy,

I think the answer lies on what you can handle.  You will have to set boundaries.  You will have to deal with the drama.  You will have to be aware of her behaviors constantly. You have learned a bit from this forum, but is your WILL up for the "rough" times ahead of you emotionally.  We all do look forward to the possibility of another try, especially after getting educated to some point.  Just evaluate yourself emotionally.  Are your emotions ready for the fight of your life?  Only you can answer this question. 

If I had the opportunity you were in, I would say no.  But that is because I am not ready.

I still say to go for it, but SO cautiously. Keep us posted.

Joem

 I have mixed feelings , I got this far out , I know what am against to  .

That's 's why am posting to see what's you all 's opinion ... .

I know you mean well for me and I will be there for you also and everyone's else ... .

No rush from my part I only respond if I get a call ,simple and easy  I don't even mention her visit either , Btw she was so happy that I help pay directly the pharmacy for her medicine I have the texts but didn't publish them ... .

Ok guy,

Be ready.  Be cautious.  It is coming!

 I really want that to happen , if it's god's will ... .

An interest in reconciliation when she's not at risk of being out on the street would look better.

Perhaps one where you spend a lot of quality time together for a month or more before moving back in together. She was texting you how horrible you were for not giving her enough money about a week ago if I recall correctly.

I'd expect her to paint you black sooner or later after she moves back in if she does. Are you prepared for that?

Kitty

I have been NC for three months since august I haven't heard from her till two weeks ago , she initiated the contact ,

It does not look like she is about to be on the street matter of facts I even helped her out with her resume to find a job ,and got her medicine ,

I am not stressing on her ,I am letting it  happen if that's god's[ will , if not I will keep going on dating ,  btw the way haven't heard from her all day I just did , I am not initiating any contact if willing she has to pursue , I know we talked about her coming to visit in five days but am not bringing the subject up till she does... .

A person must stand on their own before they can stand with you.  I don't have a problem helping out people in need but sometimes you need to let them make decisions for themselves and succeed or fail on their own.  This is what builds character, self-esteem and self-confidence.  Once you become a crutch you become a target for blame.  They will begin to rely on you to provide them with their sense of self-esteem and self-confidence ... .it won't be real.  :)on't allow yourself to fall into that trap.

You are absolutely right , she thanked me for my help and that's all it was , she text  : "you gave me the gift of focus so I can be productive and feel good about myself " her words ... .

And therein lies the problem.  She needs to provide these for herself (focus and feel good).  All you should do, if you do anything, is gentle guide her in the right direction without becoming a crutch.

I see what you're saying , okay, I  got her Meds for this month, how about the next and the next?

She claims she's engaged and has no financial support ,pressured to get a job, and perhaps hit the end of road , wanting finally to come and visit me in three or four days nothing in concrete yet and I am not bringing the subject up , she needs to initiate it,

I know well she's hoping for a job soon, she's pressured to pay rent ,her BF is 10 years younger , I employed her for the length of the relationship, I don't want to smear her but I know well she can't hold a job I am positive .

Should I tell her that I don't feel I shouldn't be her crutch , I should only guide you in the right direction ?   

She is not your responsibility to take care of.  Why do you feel she is?


My honest opinion ... .she is using you.  Don't let her.


I wouldn't if it were me.

If you honestly think things on her part will be different, stop deluding yourself.

If you accept that things on her part will be the same, but think you're up to the task based on what you've learned on this site, then I hope the best for you.

*mod*

The "Saving" board is about our efforts to keep a relation from dissolving. The members select the board - and as participants, we honor their decisions (just as we do on other boards). The tone here needs to be constructive.

The approach is four-fold: 1) to understand the fundamental struggles of a person with BPD and the challenges that this disorder brings to a relationship; 2) to understand our role in the relationship problems;  3) to learn tools and techniques to help in day to day interactions; and  4) to learn healthy and constructive ways to develop ourselves outside of the relationship.

Additional Guidelines for this Board: Please read the community guidelines (see link at the bottom of every thread). The following guidelines are also in effect for this board:

• Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult relationships. Please allow them the opportunity.

• Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner without seeking constructive relationship advice.  We are here to find solutions.  It is a given that  our partners are difficult.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286543.0

Guy, you're doing a cliff drive into the rocks!

(http://imgc.allpostersimages.com/images/P-473-488-90/26/2659/D9DUD00Z/posters/steve-vidler-la-quebrada-cliff-diver-acapulco-mexico.jpg)

I'm coming to save you dear

It is going leave a scar when reality hits.

You are trying to go from "no contact" to "deep intimate healthy relationship" in two weeks without any contribution from her. This is not going to end well. I can't say it stronger. You have got to take inventory and work with the reality here - not a fantasy.

The reality is that she is having a dust up with her live in fiance' and she is setting up a safe place to land if it comes crashing down on her. She's being pretty open and honest about this. Maybe there is potential for more, but right now you are at square one on the game board.

(http://www.cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/hua_hsu/orenstein_Candyland-1980s.jpg)

You are a safety net - she is contemplating jumping from a burning building.

(http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01967/jump_1967358i.jpg)

And its up to you to guide yourself to a possible reconciliation or to make a doormat out of yourself. You are setting yourself up for the later.

Be smart.  :)o this smartly.

(hope the photo expose' helps)

Skip and all members familiar with my case ,

I just received an SOS  call from my ex BPDGF , He's yelling at her , drinking  heavily  and being rough and almost physical.

She asked me that she wants to get away and come to see me ( she is in another state ) but does not want to hurt me and lead me  ... .

As I expected why would she wants to come and visit for the holidays ?   She is facing an eviction . Parents refusing to help .

Looks to me as I assumed and expected it's happening right now .

I don't initiate contact with her at all , I know things are not going good at all and she is at a dead end .

What is your advise here ?

Oh man, I don't know. You're in a tough spot. I'd say to take reconciliation off the table for right now and assess what you would do if it were some other family member or friend of yours. You might want to get them out of a bad situation, but you'd likely set some limits, and you'd probably give them a week to crash with you while they get their footing, but then you'd expect them to leave. If you actually follow through on that with her, then you run the risk of being the bad guy and getting split black, maybe permanently. It'll take some willpower, but maybe you can help her in some way WITHOUT actually taking her in.

Believe what she is telling you.

1. She is in desperate need of help, and wants somebody to rescue her.

2. She isn't going to get back in a relationship with you or at least won't be faithful to you and stable with you in a relationship if you let her move in

And believe past history.

3. She won't be making good choices and getting out on her own any time soon.

If you care for her as a person enough to go into this with your eyes open, you can welcome her in.

It only depends on your emotional state.  Can you handle the drama?  Not telling you to walk away but to just take care of yourself?

Is he really drunk, abusive, etc.? Why suddenly now? This might just be over her not keeping promises on her end. Your involvement may be enabling her not to resolve matters with her finacee'. If she didn't have you as a safety need, she might try to fix things on her end. I don't like saying that on this board, but its a reality you have to face. That's not a good thing for you to meddle in.

The best move is to remain neutral. Do not get involved in the problem. Do not take her side (or his). Do not ask her for love in return.  Be a stand-up guy.  Someone she can look to when this blows over and say -  wow, he's a good guy, didn't take advantage of me, didn't butt his nose in and make me beg, did cling and rescue, and didn't let me walk all over him, either.

Let say you offer to pay 30 days rent for her to stay in temporary housing (like an extended stay hotel) and tell her you are not going to ask anything of her while she sorts it all out. This is being a good guy - she will respect this. It also tells her upfront that you are helping, and you are not an endless support system, and she doesn't have to give herself to you to have a place to stay. It keeps you from having a relationship based on food and shelter, not love and respect.

Above all, this is a spat with her boyfriend and you know that he has a reasonable grievance and you are lining up to become bad triangulation and fuel a drama you will be a major contributor to.  .

Be a stand up guy and someone she admires (not needs money from) and can go to if her relationship fails.

I am a stand up guy , I have being  absent from her life since august 10 2015 .

I am not triangeling what makes you feel that way ?

Oh YOU wouldn't necessarily be, but her boyfriend (probably drunk and violent) sure might cause you some trouble. You're walking in to the triangle by rescuing her.

Are you familiar with the Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor triangle? You're the rescuer, also sometimes called the Enabler.

I am also sure it's her to be blamed , he  just had it , like we all did ,I think he is a nice guy that got tricked , I really feel bad for him .

Did we all get fooled yes or no ?

All right I gather that I should let her suffer with no mercy and no one to help her is that that being the good people we are ?

Enabling isn't being a good person. Just a thought.

If it were me I would probably give her a place to land ... .because I just got my white knight tendencies triggered hardcore (consider that guy).

That said, I would stay strictly hands off.  I am trying to put myself in your shoes and all I feel is a sense of dread.  I would recommend if you do allow her to land at your place you do so as a friend only.  Once you have assessed her stability for a good amount of time (weeks or months) then you can make a decision, but do so with your mind not your heart.  You know how she can hook you and you know how she can hurt you.  If you choose to jump into the fire again you are doing it now with eyes wide open ... .and prepare yourself for the possibility of getting burned badly.

Important questions.   Please give honest reply.

what did you have planned for this holiday before your ex contacted you?

What empathy has your ex displayed towards you feelings or past hurt?

Is it possible to provide rent for a month while she sorts herself?

Is thier anyone else you take care of, currently including pets?

If all things aside, she agrees to stay with you in a committed relationship, but her BPD behavior stay the same or get worse, are you willing to stay with her? 

After some more input.  I will be able to give guidance.

My folks are in another country , I have my son around and my dog .

No empathy whatsoever.

yes for rent providing rent .

tough question , at this time I am ready to face her illness , but I am very concern and I know it's not that easy to  deal with that but hoping for the best , I am not sure if I would stay if things doesn't change and I know well they might not .

Thanks .

Guy.

Does everyone agree that BPD throw themselves in strange situation ,impulsive behaviors with no fear of unsettling future consequences , that make non often say :

"How could she do this ?"

I said it , when she moved in with someone a week or two after the B/U 10 years younger ,I predicted and told her then it won't last long it didn't make any sense to me but to her it did .

IMO she made a big mistake but don't and never will admit it  ... .After numerous attempts to save the R/S  in the beginning stages of hurt ,I pleaded pleaded and pleated ... .

All I got is " I moved on ,as you should"  I did , it was painful and here she is on her last breath .

Now the million dollar question ?

Since every situation is different, geographically , individual unique issues and cases , age, Suits both's needs ,and more you name it ... .

Shouldn't we asset every reconciliation differently and not generalize it especially after investing so much time learning about this disease ,spending days on this marvelous site to finally understand how they deal with life and what caused it and how can we be of a help to a human been that we fell in love with and still love ... .Relationships with regular people isn't that easy neither, there are many reasons why we fall in love with someone or not and we fell for uneasy person ?

It happens every single day that non partners reunite after huge and continuous disagreements , cheating , lying financial problems ,lack of communication etc

Why shouldn't we use the tools we learned to improve the quality of life for someone we care about, what if the BPD in question is your son or daughter ?

Should I ask "Are we rearly happier without them in our life  ?

It's just a thought ... .Your comments are welcome.

Guy.

Thanks enlighten me I like your opinion !

What you doing up that early ? lol

I also want to add that I am ready for the challenge maybe rent her something for a month near by until she gets better and help her see a T close by , I want help in getting all my ammunition together I take pride when you all try to voice your opinion I might have missed something .

Good stuff  enlighten me  |iiii

But is she ready to face it?

She was diagnosed years ago , treated for a while , she is very aware of her illness and knows a lot about it , I guess there comes a time that they do feel the need 7 years with ex husband , five with me and now almost a year and a half with current guy , she knows she's hurting him and driving him crazy that's why he wants out ,and want her out as she confessed that she hurt me also .Yes it was her that wanted to be better .

I think this is the important part you need to focus on for yourself.  This tells me she isn't really ready to face it.

Update .

Looks like she ended her relationship and she really want to reconcile  , and I am going for it !She open the door to let me in .

I had doubts the last two weeks about reconciling , but I feel it from my gut I Want to !

For those who knows my case you're welcome to comment keep in mind every situation is unique .

I't not that easy to describe the little thing that makes you want to go through this reconciliation , I invested time in knowing the illness not for knowledge only , but to be a more understanding about the triggers and don't add fuel to the fire !

Skip my last question to you ,please give me an advise ?

You know I called the pharmacy in another state and paid for her meds two days ago , I received  a very good text of appreciation , she calls me everyday now and I see the confusing being pressured to help with house hold I even heard her guy talking to her like I use to and I feel that he had it with her .

She mentioned that he did just like me at the beginning of the end of the last months of our relation .She knows well they want her out she told me .

she is wanting to come n visit like next week , I am okay with it .and mentioned that no commitment for us okay . she asked me to help her get serocole today I said go ahead and I will call to pay it .

I feel I need to disengage now for a few days to let her sort things out she is not playing games or trying to rebound me but I feel I got so far I don't want to mess it up like in pressure deal with her undecided mind at this time , how can I phrase it to her , that I need to stay out of this for a few days till she sorts things out . or should I continue my support , she is not really just want to jump in my arms for safety or to provide for her she knows very well I am able to and work with her on her time to help me with buying and on the sales floor . If I win the lottery she will say share the wealth not I am coming back to be with you I guaranty that .  

I really want to put this to rest and accept the will of god to do his thing ... .

Thank you for being there for me and other members and may god bless you !

Let me add this important update , I just got off the phone with my ex , she feels not wanted there anymore ,  like I predicted , am afraid for her safety now . She knows she has to leave ... .And asked me if I will I said yes .

I'm concerned that she won't be any easier to be in a relationship with now than she was with you before.

Skip's suggestion that you pay for 30 days temporary housing for her sounds very good even now.

If you do that, you both get a month to sort things out. And nobody has to be kicked out at the end of it.

After a month you will have s better idea what a future with her looks like.

And she gets a month  to decide if she really wants it. Right now she is desperate and might promise anything just to get out. Then reconsider once she is safe.

Think about it.

Sounds like a great idea I am really contemplating that !

I am okay to just go a little quieter now and let her come to me Grey Kitty .

After many consideration and support from the board , I am in that stage right now , we talk I listen and validate ,when needed i voice my opinion softly , and get off the phone when I feel it's going to trigger her .

I am not pressuring , just laid it out on the table gently what my future looks like with or without her, I  also made her aware that I am single I go on dates and enjoy life  , she can tell how cool and collective I am and not so  desperate, for those who don't know my case  (it took  me a year and half to achieve that coolness lotsa hard work )  .

I can also tell she gets bothered by not including her in .

I motioned to take a self inventory and asset her situation without me influence her, knowing now that I did not know two weeks ago her relation is almost over , engagement is called off ,she's about to be out on the street , she has to be the one who initiate reconciling not me, I know better   .

She  still insist on visiting me pretty soon and I am placing her in a hotel room for the duration she wants  I am also aware of her wanting some time out from her actual situation to think   ... .

and I am certain she's not going to do it because she has no where to go, she will do it if she wants to be with me, As how I read into it now, and due to my personal knowledge of her,I know it's not a rebound or a rescuer matter or needs , it's a matter of love me for what I am as I would love you back as who you are right ?

Guy