Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: SybilVane on December 31, 2015, 11:39:19 PM

Title: You realized any clue in the beggining?
Post by: SybilVane on December 31, 2015, 11:39:19 PM
I've thought about it many times... .

I guess since the very beggining I realized there was something wrong. I mean, since the 'golden times', when everything is perfect and we're totally idealized.

Since I simply decided to run away from him, I've been thinking a lot about the reasons that made me enter inside this painfull adventure that is to be in a relationship with a BPD.

I had to admit that something inside me always - I mean ALWAYS - knew it was just a fantasy. It's difficult to explain, but somehow it always looked a bit exaggerated, a bit affected... .And when I look behind, it's clearer and clearer that since the beggining it could not last; I just decided to bet on it. Why?

I guess I found my answer: because him also was a fantasy for me, and as a fantasy,I tried to keep it untill the point I couldnt go on and keep lying to myself.

When I met him, I was in a long term relationship (12 years!) - much more a friendship than anything else, I was bored and thinking about put a final point on it. I left Brazil to travel around France when I met him: a beautiful French, pianist, sensible, passionate, charismatic; he could make everyhting to please me, and could convince me to do many things I always had been afraid to do. He was so interesting! How could I resist? And WOW, try to imagine the impact is to have BPD sex after years of burocratic sex... .

I decided to bet; I broke up with my old partner to try a bizarre long-distance relationship. I havent got he was BPD, but... .there was something wrong since the first or second day! I just decided to don't pay attention. But it was there; since the beggining it was a symbiosis, something really unhealthy when we can see things clearer - unhealthy because it's so like a holywoodian movie that simply can't be real.

And it lasted for more than two years! Wow!

I would like to know: could you get some clue that it was too dramatic, intense or bizarre to be real?

Title: Re: You realized any clue in the beggining?
Post by: blanchard on December 31, 2015, 11:53:45 PM
You're not alone, as most people choose to turn away from truth if it is not to their taste, preferring to deify error if error seduces them.  

It's a human frailty to not have evolved a direct capacity to differentiate dissembling from sincerity, or to distinguish between hyperbole and sincere expressions of extreme views.

Ultimately, an unintegrated personality will not have an internalized representation of a significant other, so if you ask them to describe-in intimate detail-someone they care for, they will be hard pressed to do so.  

Title: Re: You realized any clue in the beggining?
Post by: Itstopsnow on January 01, 2016, 12:23:18 AM
I relate to you tremendously! About deep down always thinking it wouldn't last even when things were great! It seemed too put on. And yet it wasn't progressing in the ways he's proclaiming his interest in you. Mine too made me travel a lot and that was super exciting and fun. He developed a bad gambling habit the last 7 months. But even that at first was fun. But so destructive . I'm so glad it's over. I was sick of gambling after 4 months .  The signs I saw in the beginning I overlooked bc of his circumstances . He left the priesthood . I thought he didn't know how to handle relationships, he left his priest friends so he had no others. And he wanted to travel so much bc he missed out on the opportunities in the priesthood . Every flag I had a logical answer for. Until I didn't. I never could imagine he was serial cheating on me while he was still seeing me everyday . I guess it is just better to let it go. Nothing will change the past. It's nice to talk about it on these boards though

Title: Re: You realized any clue in the beggining?
Post by: thisworld on January 02, 2016, 08:10:41 AM
Hello SybilVane

My answer to your question is yes, some of us realized certain things from day 1. And even, when we couldn't put our finger on it, there was something off. In my case, I noticed my ex partner's narcissistic traits very quickly but attributed them to an insecurity that might be resulting from something else. So I even thought "well, maybe with a bit of encouragement he'll be OK", so I even contributed to being a narcissist's normalcy pot :) In addition, like some others here, I found the mirroring stage somehow disturbing  because the "angel" image he used for me felt like a dictate that did not represent my whole character at all. Also, some discourses he came up with sounded somehow fake, a bit rehearsed but I thought "well, maybe people have different mannerisms, I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert, maybe this is just some healthy difference I should not be judgmental about." I owe an apology to my gut feelings for this :)

Title: Re: You realized any clue in the beggining?
Post by: troisette on January 02, 2016, 12:18:45 PM
Yes, SybilVane, it did feel like something of a fantasy. Like a ship with no ballast. But the idealisation and fun and great intimacy, plus mirroring, led me to ignore my gut feeling. 

Title: Re: You realized any clue in the beggining?
Post by: homefree on January 02, 2016, 03:34:55 PM
I just went to a store pretty far away that we went to very early in the idealization phase. Walking around there again with a somewhat clearer head, I was able to remember what it was like with her at that time. It helped. Maybe I should revisit other places we went early on. It will probably pull some of the magic from the memory that I may have added after the fact. I'm starting to appreciate it more and more as a learning experience. When I was at the store, I saw a lot of couples , and the relationships on display were different in a way that gave me an idea of what a real connection could be, and that gives me some hope for the future.