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Title: When she doesn't reciprocate Post by: Saradane on January 11, 2016, 05:01:36 PM How do you deal with the fact that the your BPDgf doesn't match your efforts in the relationship. With love, respect, favors, anything.
For example, I do a lot of things for my BPDgf. Countless favors, I always drive, pay for her, everything. I asked her one time last week to turn in some papers for me because I had to run into work and totally forgot to do it. She blew up and make a huge scene refusing to do it because it was inconvenient for her. Every time we go to the bar, I drive. Tonight my friend is coming into town and we would like to drink together. I asked her to drive because she wants to come, and she is now upset. How do I deal with this because she expects so many things for me, and when I ask for things in return, she blows up. Title: Re: When she doesn't reciprocate Post by: mitti on January 11, 2016, 05:07:04 PM Hi Saradane,
Have you had a conversation about this, how you feel you do more than her and ask her how she sees it and feels about it? I had convos like that with my uBPDexbf and often he would see how unbalanced it was and make alterations to his behaviour. Some would last and others not. Sometimes he just blatantly said "ok, so it's unfair, I don't care" but that was either as a joke or when he was angry. I mean, if you start without adding any tone or value to your words it is possible she can see your side. Title: Re: When she doesn't reciprocate Post by: waverider on January 12, 2016, 05:27:53 AM How do you deal with the fact that the your BPDgf doesn't match your efforts in the relationship. With love, respect, favors, anything. For example, I do a lot of things for my BPDgf. Countless favors, I always drive, pay for her, everything. I asked her one time last week to turn in some papers for me because I had to run into work and totally forgot to do it. She blew up and make a huge scene refusing to do it because it was inconvenient for her. Every time we go to the bar, I drive. Tonight my friend is coming into town and we would like to drink together. I asked her to drive because she wants to come, and she is now upset. How do I deal with this because she expects so many things for me, and when I ask for things in return, she blows up. Your BPDgf does not think and reason in the same way you do. Her motivations are completely different. There are many tools and techniques to improve the way you interact, but you will not be able to get her to act and think in the same manner you do. Have you worked your way through the LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187) ?. They will put much of this into a logical order. At times we are able to get them to compromise and help more, but unfortunately their motivation will be flawed. Rather than changing due to a motivation coming from responsibility, it comes from appeasement, which is not lasting. It also creates resentment. There will need to be a lot changing in your approach to accepting a different reality than you may normally expect, to achieve any sort of harmony. Otherwise you will be forever locked in spiraling conflict Title: Re: When she doesn't reciprocate Post by: zuu on January 16, 2016, 03:52:23 AM I am a woman but i know seriously,its is so hard when you try to do so much forget about them reciprocating you are blamed for practically everything wrong in this whole world or everything around them even if they're shouting profanities at you,it still your fault for making them act so bad.UGHHH
Read the book stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad,tackles the subject in detail especially if you are a good guy types! |