BPDFamily.com

Hi, I've been with my partner 4 years married for 1 and I can't help feeling like I'm wasting my life with her as nothing seems to improve much and from what I've read the advice is try and change your own behavior towards someone with BPD. I feel like I'm wasting my life as I an not happy and my son seems happier when he doesn't see his mother every day as she doesn't live with us because of her behaviour. I can't help but think that she loves me as I put up with it and any sane person would leave, feels like I put up with because she is nice and loving sometimes but doesn't last for more than a few days before she blames all her problems on me. I also feel like I'm being selfish as I've read alot of material on BPD and it doesn't seem to have a good influence on children.does anyone else have these thoughts?

Well don't feel like you are wasting your life. Even a failed or struggle relationship should give you insight, allow you to grow as person, and become a happier person in the future.

The key is learning.

Marriage is tough, whether it is with someone with BPD or not.

I am sure there are some good times as well as the bad.

Improvement comes from you, not with her.

Eventually you'll have to look at it and being not afraid to walk away if it isn't working.

People stay for the wrong reasons, but staying together is usually worth it in the end.

I have these thoughts from time to time.

But realizing you happiness is not dependent on someone else is the key.

Example, I am sure you have felt 'happy'--the most attuned to yourself when you are alone (not in a relationship).

As is routinely (and correctly) pointed out on this site and in this group in particular is how you can only count on your own changes in dealing with your pwBPD.  This site has so many tools to help with that.  I hope that many here have found these tools useful and that the changes they've made in their own behavior and thought process have bettered their lives with their pwBPD.

That being said, I had a discussion with my T on this very topic and one thing he made very clear: It is INCREDIBLY HARD for most people to make these changes and accept them in an intimate relationship.  The changes we're supposed to make are so counter to what's considered "normal" that it's difficult to not harbor some kind of resentment or even contempt towards our pwBPD.  Often, some kind of space or buffer is needed to help keep your peace of mind which is fine when your pwBPD is someone you don't live with (relative, friend, coworker), but that space isn't afforded with our wives/husbands.

They don't call it "radical" acceptance for nothing.  It truly takes a radical change in you to continue such a relationship.  Think long and hard if you have it in you.  There is no wrong answer.

I think lots of nons have had those thoughts and feeling.  Wasting is somewhat subjective term, but to stay you are indeed making a trade with your life and treasure.  There is not just the cost of what you'll experience by staying, but also the opportunity cost of things you'll trade for it.