BPDFamily.com

Since last year when things hit the fan bigtime, I've been working on getting help for myself and building a support system of healthy people. I also started talking about what was happening in my marriage with a couple of the local pastors, including our new church pastor (after he was installed).

As I've been describing what is happening in our relationship, our pastor has brought out my uBPDh's difficulty with impulse control. I explained that it was more than just frustration that triggers the impulses. This past week, the pastor asked if there were other issues, and I said that my husband has a lack of trust. (technically, it is more a fear of abandonment, but that seemed a bit more psychoanalytic than I wanted to seem) I also said that there wasn't anything that I have done that would cause trust issues and it was probably from his FOO.

I've been talking about the abusive behaviors that are not appropriate and harm our marriage, but our pastor has been recommending things (standard marriage practices that are fine for 'normal' situations) that are not advised in our situation. It seems that pastor is coming to the realization that this is a more complicated thing than he is really equipped to handle.

So, is there anything else that I should bring up to our pastor?

If he is a new pastor, without much experience, he may not have dealt with pwBPD. After he gets some years under his belt he will surely meet and be in relationship with pwBPD. Can you show him the "What is BPD video?" under the lessons? I shared this video with my family so that they could better understand what is going on with my uBPDh.

Another thing to consider is that most pastors do not have any kind of formal training in psychology. They can give Biblical counseling but that's usually about the extent of their expertise. I think it's good that you are at least sharing what is going on in your home so that if something major comes up he has a little background. I'm not sure what denomination church you go to but some churches have deliverance and inner healing ministries. Others have LIFE groups, FREEDOM groups or spiritual cleansing conferences. These groups help people work through their baggage. My H and I both went through one at our church last small group semester and it helped me deal with everything I"ve been gogin through for the last several years with my H. I have also seen a gradual improvement in his dysregulations.

Has your pastor met with your husband? Maybe he could get to know him better and start a counseling relationship with him.

Our new pastor is in his late 50s and has experience with various types of "dysfunctional" people and situations.  My husband meets regularly with him during their staff meetings,  so they do have a relationship.  However,  our pastor isn't really strong in the counseling area, so it is out of his comfort zone. We are at a smaller church that has limited resources. Last year we did a intensive healing prayer week, but my husband didn't do the follow up work. It heeled me to become stronger. 

Hi empath,

I find this to be a tricky spot because I want to communicate with out betraying any confidences or damaging the trust between me and my partner.

I tend to use the phrase "we are a high conflict couple and I mean that in the clinical sense of the words" to clue people in that something is going on .  And then I try to make good decisions about what I share.   Once back a couple of years I over confided in some one and it added a level of weirdness to our relationship.

I'm kinda like baby ducks... .I tell no one nothing.  People who are not educated really have no real clue what we are really dealing with.  It would not shock me to find your pastor is beginning to feel you may be the problem.  He has no clue if he is not well informed about BPD or NPD.  As far as I know, abnormal psychology is not part of their training.  He may do what pastors do.  He may think he's going to help you by paying a visit to your s/o.  Then what have you created?  I do not talk to anyone about what I endure inside my relationship.  it's unhealthy.  I wish I had someone to talk with and trust but I don't trust anyone.  Nor does anyone of my friends have any clue what BPD is to my knowledge so I stay isolated except for what I share here.

Good Luck

Since we are in prominent places in our church, many people have picked up on the dynamics between us and his control issues. One of the things that I have been working on for myself is finding a group of people who I trust; I have several of these people in my life now.  They don't know about the uBPD but do know about some of the abuse. 

I take a different approach. I have a couple of close friends with whom I can discuss my husband's mental illness. They have people in their family (don't most?) who are also mentally ill and we can share strategies, laugh, commiserate, just enjoy being flawed human beings together.