Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Herodias on January 23, 2016, 07:47:05 PM

Title: As much as I am afraid to move on.. I want to move on.
Post by: Herodias on January 23, 2016, 07:47:05 PM
Do you think if we were able to "move on" and be in new relationships where we were so much happier that we would be sitting here wondering and worrying about our exes with BPD? I believe we do need to consider that when we do find someone else, it will not be full of drama (if we are lucky & smart). I think we need to imagine what a "normal" relationship will be and should be, in order to know what we truly are looking for in the future. I don't think I will ever forget him or ever be totally over what I went through, but I hope to be able to find someone I can trust and have a pleasant life with in the future... .the not so far away future. I am tired of being alone. The last year of being alone while he is with someone else... .even though I know he isn't truly happy or he wouldn't be texting me... .I miss having a companion. Friends are wonderful, but I miss the touch of another person who loves you, I miss hugging. : (   As much as I am afraid to move on... I want to move on. I wish I could find someone to move on with... .this is what makes me the most sad I think.

Title: Re: As much as I am afraid to move on.. I want to move on.
Post by: hopealways on January 23, 2016, 09:00:30 PM
I have realized that the biggest reason I prevent myself from moving on is that moving on tells me that my BPDx has moved on also, and that is not something I like to know.  Companionship is healthy to want. But you need enough time to grieve and grow.  I don't think you need to wait until you are completely 100% over your ex, but at some time when you're in the "enough is enough" stage, allow yourself to dabble forward and let go of the past.  Being able to let go is the greatest gift I have from the BPD relationship.  I am not fully there yet but I do feel that I am able to let go now way better than a few years ago.

Title: Re: As much as I am afraid to move on.. I want to move on.
Post by: Nextinline on January 23, 2016, 09:02:40 PM

When you least expect it, it will happen!

What I have learnt through this experience are 2 things:

  • You have to close one door before the next one will open, and

  • If you spend all of your time looking backwards over your shoulder you will miss the wonderful things that are sometimes right in front of you as you are moving forward

So don't keep looking backwards,start to look forward.

As weird as this may sound I re-discovered some songs, not about re-visiting the past and feeling melancholy, but about creating your own future and a new and better you. Every time I start to feel like I am slipping I play these songs and they just lift me up and allow me to move forward.

Seriously, music is the best healer!

The 2 songs, among many, that make me get up and go are from Bon Jovi (Lost Highway) and a band out of the late 70s early 80s called Boston (Don't Look Back).

Fine your own music, the sort of stuff that you play in your ears when your outside exercising, what ever that may be, where it just pumps you up and makes you work harder and apply the same process to your soul and your emotions!

You can do it. I did and I feel great!

Give it a go Blue. Look forward, don't look back!



Title: Re: As much as I am afraid to move on.. I want to move on.
Post by: homefree on January 23, 2016, 10:41:30 PM
Loneliness is the core of my pain right now too.

And I think for me it's a problem because I find myself looking for ways to stop the loneliness, no matter what that might be. And I'll end up looking for something I otherwise wouldn't want because at least I'm not lonely any more.

I realize that it's an unstable position to look to make decisions from. It's an attempt to stop pain or fill something that is painfully lacking, as opposed to a healthy decision to add something to an already stable life.

But how can I blame myself or anyone else for trying to end the feelings of loneliness? They are some of the worst feelings one can have. To feel empty and alone even when you are with friends and people who care for you? To have life feel like you are living it for no real reason since it's just you sitting there alone. It's crushing.

So in the same way I recognize that it's a poor position to make good life choices from, I also recognize that it feels likel only being with someone else affectionately can cause the suffering to end, and why wouldn't you want that?

Title: Re: As much as I am afraid to move on.. I want to move on.
Post by: ladylee on January 24, 2016, 11:00:29 AM
Do you have any pets, they can be a great comfort.

Title: Re: As much as I am afraid to move on.. I want to move on.
Post by: Learning_curve74 on January 24, 2016, 11:59:37 AM
It's totally OK to feel lonely. It only means we're human, and as humans we're capable of feeling great joy as well as great pain. The "trick" is to be able to endure the emotional pain, have healthy coping strategies, and to live as rich and fulfilling a life as possible.

Do you find yourself ruminating about being alone? What things do you do currently to deal with it? For things to change, what are you willing to change to bring it about?

Do you feel like you're hitting a roadblock on the path of healing? Counseling and/or therapy can often help. CBT can be an effective therapy in overcoming patterns of persistent negative feelings and  dysfunctional patterns. I'm sure there are also many other effective therapies that can help as well. When you get to the point where it's OK to be alone, then you can be much more open to the richness of life, which paradoxically can bring more people into your life, especially a life partner.

Hugs to you all... . 

Title: Re: As much as I am afraid to move on.. I want to move on.
Post by: blissful_camper on January 25, 2016, 12:48:11 AM
Hi Herodias,

I believe the right person comes along when we are ready and maybe when we least expect it. I was single as well after the r/s and it felt pretty crummy dealing with pain and loneliness while my ex seemed to bounce with ease into another r/s. And then another, and another... .

The thing that really helped me was immersing myself in things that I love to do. That reinforced my sense of wellness. I worked on me a lot too so that I don't repeat an unhealthy r/s. I've dated a bit but I still don't feel like I want an r/s.  For quite a while I didn't want an involvement because I wasn't ready.  Fast forward to now... .I'm ready, however, I'm also  enjoying being single.

Have faith Blue that you'll meet a healthy partner when you're ready for that too.

Title: Re: As much as I am afraid to move on.. I want to move on.
Post by: UserName69 on January 25, 2016, 09:25:46 PM
I have moved on and found an another girl. I have been 9 months in NC and I have no feelings towards my exBPDgf I'm glad I have a normal relationship now. Moving on is possible but it really depends on the person. My RS with my exBPDgf has to be the worlds sh!ittiest RS ever we had breakups nearly every week. I'm glad it's over, who needs a horrible person like my exBPD? It's just impossible to stay with a person like her. I met my current girlfriend during a breakup when my exBPD convinced me that it was definitely over. Before I knew it she wanted me back which I did   After one fight 9 months ago I decided to give up, enough is enough.

What do you think about acceptance, how far are you in this stage? I know this is the hardest part, it was the part which made me hate her so much. At some point I realized that it's useless to spend my time on hating her; a nonBPD can have a healthy RS while a pwBPD can't. For me accepting what happened did help me a lot.

The last year of being alone while he is with someone else... .

How long is it going to take before he discards her?