BPDFamily.com

I am having a hard time navigating my marriage. His wants change constantly. He's in an apathetic stage right now that is painful. He wants to leave because "I can never just let him be himself".  I don't know how to stop pissing him off.

Hello StrawberryTart,

*welcome*

I'm glad that you found us 

It's so hard living with someone who is angry. We can make choices based upon what we think will not result in anger, but it often turns out the same due to their emotional dysregulation.

How long have you been married, and how long has this been going on? Any kids?

You can start by referring to the Lessons in the right margin. They will help you understand what makes a person with BPD tick, and give you valuable communication tools which can help reduce conflict. Here is one to start:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0)

Turkish

Hello StrawberryTart,

I wanted to join Turkish in welcoming you to our community. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unstable is emotionally and physically draining, and we all here understand.

Do you have any outside support? Like a friend, or church group, or a therapist?

Turkish gave you a link to a good place to start. Then little by little you can go through the lessons on the right side of the screen ----->

Nice to internet-meet you!

Thank you both.  I have been married 5 years together 8. We don't have children together but we do have children in our home. I have 2 boys who love him. He's behaved really badly in the past but 3 years ago vowed to "change" and asked for their trust again. Once given, it's almost like he feels he can do the things he vowed not to do because he's got us. Does that make sense? He's been diagnosed bipolar, I think it's progressed or been misdiagnosed, he has been diagnosed with ptsd. He used to think he was an addict/alcoholic but now is determined to drink socially. Somehow he finds a way to make me question my morals and values. He's really good at encouraging me to make big financial decisions with the hope we build a business together and then threatening to leave me holding the bag. I'm frightened all the time. And yet I still think I love him, and this is NOT who he is. He's a kind and loving man. I just read the article posted on here about the relationship breakdown. I'm a half a step away from stonewalling and he's there.

I feel like I'm rambling. I feel overwhelmed. I want my husband back. 

I do have a therapist. And I do have good family support. I also attend Alanon.

Hi again, thanks for coming back with more info  |iiii

I completely understand feeling overwhelmed and wanting your husband back. At the core of the disorder, there's the "feelings = facts" where they adapt and twist facts to go with what they're feeling at the moment. So what has been promised in one moment is no longer seen as a promise or as true in another, depending on how they feel.

When you feel ready, I suggest that you find one thing you would like to work on, and focus on that. When we're overwhelmed and exhausted, we want everything to change right away. That's not going to happen, I'm afraid   But we can make changes, one at a time, that will take us to a healthier and happier place.

What do you think you would like to focus on first?

I think the most important thing to focus on would be being able to function without obsessing about what he's doing. Whether it be good or bad.  He's like a super hero/villain to me. I have given him so much power over how my day is going to go. How can I lovingly detach? I've been working on this for years. I've backslid a lot. The task feels more daunting once you e done it and then let go.

Hello StrawberryTart,

Changing your focus to you not him, is as you have found extremely difficult.

When a loved one is taking up a lot of space emotionally it is hard to create space for our needs and wants.

When a loved ones behaviour tends toward the disruptive or dysfunctional it is hard not to want to sort it out, and then in doing so negate our own needs.

You're right, by allowing him to take up so much emotional space in the relationship this changes the balance of power between you and keeps things always slightly off balance for you.

I found breaking free of the need to focus solely on my dBPDh extremely difficult and disengaging is not something that happened quickly for me. Letting go is hard.

Here is a link about letting go and taking care of yourself by stepping out of the FOG. ( fear, obligation, and guilt )

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0