|
Title: how to deescalate once past the rage level.. Post by: Ash77 on February 11, 2016, 07:32:58 PM My gf and I have been together for over a year now, and the past few weeks have been pure hell... .She swears she has proof I've done all these things wrong, but won't tell me what they are, and has stolen my phone and locked me out of my Facebook. I got my phone back a couple days ago, and now she keeps saying "you be careful now" and "I'm always one step ahead" and "I see all" its getting scary... .I don't know if she would hurt me because she is perceiving something that isn't there... .And everything I say is a lie now... .I don't know how to break this cycle and get my baby back... .
Title: Re: how to deescalate once past the rage level.. Post by: livednlearned on February 12, 2016, 07:23:54 AM Hi Ash77,
I'm sorry to hear how things have taken a turn for the worse. People with BPD have extreme rejection sensitivity and an intense fear of abandonment, and this can trigger very defensive reactions. Those reactions often end up destroying the exact relationships they fear losing. These pervasive fears make it hard for them to form intimate bonds and trust, and this puts us in a tenuous situation because we end up feeling like we're shadowboxing with something we can't see. The first thing to do is end the destructive dance -- as much as you can (and this is hard), don't engage the drama. That means choosing to not debate, justify, explain, or defend yourself. There are proven communication skills that can help, and setting boundaries and creating a validating environment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190) can all work together to make things less toxic. You can't control how she thinks or what she does. You can control how you think and what you do -- part of being with someone who has BPD is accepting the realities of the disorder. She is hypersensitive to abandonment. That means even something as simple as going into another room, or looking at your phone when she's talking to you, can be a challenge for her. She's feeling intense emotions and has few skills to emotionally regulate herself. In those moments, you'll have to validate how she feels and if things escalate despite the validation, assert your boundaries. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. And as much as she may make it difficult for you to be this way, she also needs you to be strong and provide structure. Title: Re: how to deescalate once past the rage level.. Post by: Jonathan Ricciardi on February 12, 2016, 07:48:18 AM Jess hello.
I want to give you real life advice. Many give strictly textbook definitions, which is fine, but like with every human in the word, there are differences. They don't have abandonment issues, its not that difficult, you will notice that abandonment itself is something that has to be done, meaning you have to go. You haven't gone any where. She is pushing you away, that is not abandonment issues, that is having the right to do want she wants. Turkish has taught me this on the board. Your significant other has every right to dump you. Ending the dance is easy, as the person with BPD will stonewall you, don't sweat it, trust me, you are heading into the end. You will never get her back, she has devalued you, she think you're a loser, been there trust me. You can expect a lifetime of stonewalling. |