BPDFamily.com

Dear All,

Help! My significant other and I are being held captive by a sneaky and relentless pattern of behaviour that lives in relationships. As I write, it is the week end, and like every other weekend I can remember for the last 7 months since we started living together, the "split" has happened & I am all sorts bad things. Trouble is, I'm left wondering what I did.

The literature tells me that I have probably devalued her on some level, or maybe (and this is the really sneaky part) she has perceived that I have devalued her. Either way, I'm left feeling; isolated (that's why I signed up), stupid  (because I thought we could work through BPD), frustrated (because its relentless), worried (because it feels like my life is out of control), and guilty (because I want to believe the woman I love that tells me all sorts of bad stuff about me that is just irrational when I examine my behaviour).

During the last 7 months, I have been physically attacked and the cops imposed a violence order. The cops removed her and wanted to prevent her returning to the premises; however, I successfully petitioned for her to be allowed to return provided she treats me equitably. Trouble is, verbal and psychological abuse continue and this is exhausting.

B

Barinthus:

Welcome. If I'm reading far enough into this it seems like you're saying the split, or devaluation from acceptable to unacceptable on seems to happen on the weekends.

What are you weekend routines that you think might lead to that?

Hi Barinthus,

1.  I agree with Stalwart.  It would be worth looking into what is happening on the weekend that may be triggering.  If you can narrow down the issue with weekends, perhaps there are ways to offer reassurance if there is something causing abandonment fears for example.  Even though we cannot make the other person feel happy and we are not responsible for this, we can stop making things worse.

2.  That being said, if you have examined your behavior as you say, and do not see any red flags on your behalf feeling isolated, guilty or stupid is certainly understandable, but try to be nice to yourself and speak to yourself lovingly instead of beating yourself up over this.   Like most of us you desparately want to do something, find the answer to solve this problem.   But, we did not cause these problems that are inside our loved ones, and unfortunately, we cannot fix what is wrong. 

3.  Isolation - this is difficult for me.  I have felt better being able to confide in a therapist.  Making myself strengthen friendships, and family ties outside of the relationship with my uBPDh has relieved sone (not all) of the loneliness.

I guess the bottom line is you can make life better for yourself and thereby be happier.  Maybe, your relationship will get better as a result.  My r/s is still frustrating and diffcult, but my responses to irrational behavior have made life better for me.  My life is more peaceful.

Good luck to you in making the life you want.

Thanks Guys,

Pattern of behavior on weekends that I think may trigger?

Wow! K. Here’s an example.

Friday: “It would be nice if we could install the rug under the furniture in the drawing room and do the lawns together this weekend”.

I agree. However, SO has taken night shifts Fri, Sat & Sun.

Saturday: I negotiated with SO to chase up vehicle parts that were needed and did so. SO goes to work mid afternoon and I continue cleaning the garage (long standing mutually agreed goal).

Sunday: install the rug. Aha! “Mind reading”. Immediately after installing the rug SO suddenly started mowing. No communication; all of a sudden I hear the mower. When I approached SO re safety footwear she seemed angry. Guest that was devaluation; however, she was barefoot. Also, later, after the mower ran out of gas, and after SO had settled a bit with the loud vocalized rumination about how useless I am, I asked about communication. (As you have probably guessed – way too late on my part, and now believe communication behavior has to be modeled.)

SO: “I didn’t think you wanted to help me”.

To make devaluation worse, I wanted to talk about communication. So there it is; a combination of Mind Reading (I didn’t think you wanted to help me), plus safety footwear and communication talk.

B

Hi Barinthus,  It sounds like there are positives right up until the mowing started.   Obviously, there was a plan and an agreement.  Both good things. It sounds as if you "negotiated" again a positive.  Did you install the rug together?  Is so, good work!  Celebrate the planning, agreement, and negotiating.

It seems as if you may feel bad about her signing up to work nights.  Is that true?  It is difficult when your s/o works weekends, particularly nights.  I've been there. 

It was hard on my husband working nights, too.  But, he felt the extra money was worth it.  I'm not sure it always was.

It is hard not to take "loud ruminations" personally!  Maybe you can learn to get out of earshot, sort of refusing to be present for these recitations.

Do you want to discuss how you asked for communication?  Maybe that is something others can help with, if you'd like.

Glad to hear from you.  Keep us updated.  Take care of yourself!