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I broke NC today. I sent my BPD ex gf an email.

I had an accident at work yesterday and I was seriously injured. Making a long story short, as I sat in the ER listening to the doctor tell me not only how close I came to losing 2 fingers but also how close I came to bleeding to death. I guess after I got hurt I passed out. If one of my coworkers hadn't found me when they did, I'm told I probably would've bleed to death.

When the doctor told me that, all I could think of was my ex. So later I sent her an email. I told her what happened. I also told her how much I miss her. How much I still love her. I told her I cry almost every day because we're no longer together. I ended it by telling her to not to reply and so far she hasnt.

I'm upset with myself now. It has already been a very rough week for me. I've been crying a lot more than usual. The emotional pain is becoming almost unbearable. The thought of living the rest of my life withouther by my side terrifies me. I feel lost. I feel empty. I'm terrified I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life….this week, before I got hurt, I have been going downhill very fast. I just want this to end.

I know, it is hard. Hang on.

Why did you do this? Can you explain your motivation for stating this? Why the mail in the first place if you don't want a contact/response?

No. No I can't explain it. I can't tell you why I needed to tell her. It's like I did it before I realized what I was doing.

It's been incredibly hard. I'm not going to lie... .as horrible as it sounds, part of me wishes I hadn't made it... .just so all this pain would stop.

I'm so sorry gundam, for your accident, your emotional and physical pain.

I hope you are not home alone, that you have support. Confronting our mortality is big stuff, I'm not surprised that you reached out to your ex.

Many years ago when I was in therapy, I had a big crisis and phoned my mother for support. She wasn't a supportive or loving mother but I instinctually phoned her. I didn't get the support I craved and felt worse afterwards. My therapist asked me why I phoned her when she had no history of giving me support in hard times.

That brought me up short; realising that I was hard wired to contact her, that it was a repeating pattern. That I was blinkering myself to her failings, still hoping that she would be the nurturing understanding mother I so wanted her to be. When in crisis I reverted to a child needing emotional sustenance - but I went to a dry well.

Does any of that chime with you regarding your ex?

To me, it seems natural that confronted with such a crisis and still grieving your ex, you would reach out to her. So please be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.

I'm not sure how long you have been nc or if you are in therapy. It sounds as if you'd benefit from professional support at the moment. Your body, and mind, are probably in shock. This together with your grief is a big package to handle. So please seek emotional support, but from a source who will be able to give it.

Sending good vibes.

It's been a month of NC, about 2 months since the relationship ended.

It does chime a little. But I honestly can't say why I needed to tell her. I just needed to let her know I was ok.

I do see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have a support structure of friends and family in place. But I still feel alone and abandoned.

She was the first person I have ever felt this way about (for those that don't know she dumped me a week before I was going to ask her to marry me). I believed (and still do) that the 2 of us were meant to be. It felt like it was destiny. She was my everything. I knew that as long as I had her, I was going to be ok. Because everything else was just not a big deal anymore. I figured “I found my soul mate now. So no matter what life throws at me I can overcome it because she'll always be there for me and I'll be ok”. Now she's not here anymore and I don't know if I'm going to be ok. I'm afraid. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel dead inside.

I can't put into words how important she was to me, how much I cared about her or how much I loved her. Despite of all that's happened I still have all those feelings. Despite of all she's done, I'd give absolutely anything to have her back. I don't know how to turn that off. When I try, I feel terribly guilty.

Everybody is telling me that I just need time. I desperately want to believe them... .but I don't. I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to get over her and move on. I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to love someone like that again. I'm terrified I'm never going to be able to trust someone again.

I've never had good luck with women. I'm lucky if I get a second or third date. This had been my longest relationship (this was her first). I'm terrified I screwed up my one shot at finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. One of my greatest fears is spending the rest of my life alone.

I am constantly at war with myself. My rational side is telling me that I'm better off, I deserve better and she treated me terribly. That side of me desperately wants to forget all about her and move on. But every other part me is very much madly in love with her. It wants nothing more than to forgive her for everything and get her back.

Every day since she left has been my own living hell. I just want it to stop.

And thank you so very much troisette. I need all the good vibes I can get. I honestly feel like I'm losing control.

I hear your distress gundum. I send you empathy.

Many years ago I too felt that there was someone that I couldn't live without, that my happiness depended upon them. I understand how devastating it is to be abruptly deprived of them and the acute pain.

This is going to sound trite but the source of a sense of well-being is within ourselves, not handing it over to another who may not value it as they should. It may take time to develop that sense of self-value but it is possible.

It's not surprising that after just a month of nc you still feel raw, your accident and the feelings it brought up in you have stripped your wound bare. But they can be healed, however unlikely that may seem to you today.

Don't underestimate the shock to your system caused by your accident. Is there anything you can do to nurture yourself today? Maybe an emergency call to your therapist? They will understand the despair you are describing here and will help you soothe it.

It took me nearly 2 months just to start feeling emotions again after she threw me away.  When they came back it hit me like a freight train.  I understand exactly how you are feeling and how nothing seems right or clear right now, or even really matters.  It is like your entire universe just imploded and you are left a huddled broken mess isolated and alone.  I am so very sorry you have to experience this level of pain.

There is nothing you can do to make the hurt go away except dig in and weather the storm.  Eventually you will start to emerge from the FOG and start seeing things more clearly.  The hurricane of emotions and gut wrenching pain will subside.  Stand tall and believe you can make it through this because I know you can.

Hi

I don't know if it's OK to recommend outside sources, but maybe check out Corey Wayne's book and Youtube videos, he has a lot of wisdom that helped me with the BPD girl and with others.

The fact you don't feel good enough, not getting a second or third date etc, means you're more likely to get another one of these girls.

Mine got me after a business failure when I was feeling low. Your vulnerability and insecurity will attract more of the same. I even told mine I didn't know what she saw in me at the time. Now I understand. They like weak prey, easily manipulated people. Grateful suckers if you want the tough love answer.

Work on yourself, today, right now, and you will do better and attract better. It's a process, but mine ended with me ditching my BPD. She is just not good enough for me anymore and I won't tolerate her BS. In time you might think the same.

I took the past few days to try and begin to heal myself again. I cried a lot. I went and stayed with my mother over the weekend, mainly because I didn't want to be alone. It was very nice to have somebody to comfort me as I cried. I couldn't get into see my therapist but I was able to talk to my psychiatrist over the phone.

I also went to the place I volunteer at. For those that don't know I volunteere with kids (between the ages of 6-18), I've been doing that for 5 years and I met my ex there (who still volunteers there). First everybody wanted to know what happened to my hand. After I was done telling my story over and over again, I talked to the director (the lady in charge and she's a friend). Told her how I am no longer able to volunteer there anymore. She is aware of what's been going on. Back when I was trying to save my relationship I went to her (and a few other staff members) looking for advice and answers. I updated her on everything. She said she understood why I have to leave. She thanked me for everything and said it wouldn't be the same without me. All the other staff members said the same thing.

I told the kids. Some cried, which made me cry. I got lots of hugs, even from kids who I didn't think liked me. When I got to the room my ex was in, I got the same reaction from the kids. My ex had a very surprised look on her face and gave me some kind of half-hearted wave goodbye. Which I ignored. The staff member in that room pulled me aside and asked me what's going on. I updated her (She was another one I went to for advice) on me and everything that's happened. My ex conveniently moved closer to us. I told the the staff member about the email I sent my ex. The staff member told me how my ex (she doesn't know who my ex is, nobody there does) doesn't deserve the amount of time I spend thinking of her. I agreed and said that I still love her. Staff member and I talked a little more then I went into the office.

I spent the next hour talking to the ladies in there. They all told me they were sad I was leaving. How it wouldn't be the same. They told me that I'm a great person and I'll find someone better than my ex. They all said they hope I can come back one day and I said that I hope I can. They all told me to call or text them if I ever need anything. I got hugs, said my final goodbyes and I left. My ex never said a word to me, not that I was expecting her too. I did catch her starring at me a few times.

That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My volunteer work was a very important part of my life. But I couldn't continue to go there with my ex there. I did notice something interesting. When I looked at my ex's face, it wasn't the face I remember. It honestly looks like she's been under a ton of stress and these past 2 months have not been kind to her. Part of me feels bad for her.

I am sorry you have to step away from your volunteer work, at least while you heal.  Eventually you will get to a place of indifference and perhaps you can go back.  Maybe in the meantime you can find some other worthy cause to volunteer at?

It is good that you have understanding friends with sympathetic ears.  Did it help to talk to all those people about what you are going through?

I hope I can return one day. Those kids are pretty important to me. I am looking for another place to volunteer at but first I want to heal myself.

Yes it does help. I really want to tell them who my ex is (I'm sure some have figured it out) but I think that would not be appropriate. Besides I don't want to be accused of turning people against her. 

Not only a great person  gundam but brave as well.

Keep on keeping on and I hope your hand heals soon. I think you are on the right path.

This is very noble of you and IMO the right decision.

Thanks troisette. In the beginning it was simply to make my resume to Police Departments look good. But it turned into me feeling like a father to a lot of them. I'd love to just listen to them. Share my life experience with them. I loved making them laugh. They'd laugh at me when I wouldn't understand what they were talking about (especially when they were talking about what's cool now or whatever they are watching on TV). It turned into the highlight of my day. The best way I can describe it is all the positives of being a parent with very little negative. I gave the poorer kids Christmas and Birthday presents. I spent extra time with kids that were bullied. I have had 3 different kids come up to me and tell me that I was the one who stopped them from killing themselves, just by talking and listening to them. I can't tell you how much that meant to me.

That place became my passion. If I was having a horrible day, just going and volunteering would make everything better. I walked away from 5 years of volunteering. I watched so many kids grow up.

I feel horrible for no longer going. I feel like I abandoned them.

And if everything goes well I should get my stiches out later this week. The desolving ones will take a few weeks to disappear. But it looks like I should make a full recovery. With a little luck I might not even have scars.


Thanks. I will say there has been at least 2 different occasions where they would be talking to me about my ex (saying how horrible what she did was) with my ex in ear shot. I'm not sure if it was talked about when I wasn't their... .but I'd say the probability is very high it was talked about. I spent several late nights, after the kids had left, talking to the ladies there getting advice. One of them was a major factor pushing me to go to a therapist.

You're a good guy gundam. Remember that. And although you are no longer volunteering, remember also what you did for the kids when you were. Please don't dwell on your feelings of abandoning the kids, but on what you were able to do for them.

We are responsible for ourselves and you couldn't avoid an untenable situation for your well being, you made the right decision.

Remember what I said about self worth - well, three kids telling you that you stopped them attempting suicide is a solid foundation for self worth - please concentrate on the positives you achieved, please don't beat yourself up for not being able to continue. You have to look after yourself, no shame in that.

Take care.   to you.

I'm going to try and remember that. It gets really difficult sometimes.

I honestly feel like I'm the embodiment of the saying "Nice guys finish last".

Well done gundam94.

Unlike relationships, a place where you volunteer might not be available to you now. But in the future when things are looking better for you, I'm sure they will be happy to have you perform your good works. Take heart!

For your volunteering, it sounds like you're proud of that experience. It is a selfless act to give time to children like that, irrespective of your first intention. 5 years is a long time.

You mentioned that you felt paternal toward them. Why did you feel that way? Is there something about their experiences that touched you? What kinds of feelings did you personally experience?

Thank you. I am very proud of my volunteer work.

It's hard to explain really. I've always been able to get along with kids better than people my own age. The best way I can describe it is I treat them as equals. Don't get me wrong if it comes time where I have to be the adult, I will be. But I am just a big kid a heart. I goof around, I don't take anything to seriously (except when it's required), I take a genuine interest in them. I didn't feel like a dad or brother to all of them. Just the ones that I ended up helping the most. But I have no idea how I do it. I have no idea how or why I can connect with them so easily.

I spent most of my time in the art room. Not because I'm an artists person, it was just the quietest and "calm" room there and well... .because I could sit down. And because the lady that ran the art room ended up becoming like a grandma to me (the same lady my ex has known since she was 7 and is more of a mother to my ex them her real mother). Since I was in the art room, I mostly interacted with girls. It took some time to earn trust with the kids, but once I did I became very popular. The kids were always happy to see me and I was always happy to see them.

:) It's wonderful that you are getting along very well with the kids.

If it's alright with you, I don't want to share my experience right now so we can focus on what you get.

What do you feel when you take an interest in them?

How do you feel when you're in the art room?

Is there a particular feeling you get when you are with that lady?

So I have to ask. What's with the questions?

Lol no worries. Sure.

You can think of your heart and mind as two soldiers. Buddies. If your heart isn't feeling too good, your mind can step in for the purpose of looking out for your heart. This is what this exploration does.

Here are four things why its helpful to explore this.

First, I asked you about something you seem to really love doing. Coincidentally, I have a similar experience. I can relate. Relating helps hearts heal.

For my example, I volunteered with children. Fulfilling the role as support for them helps me feel happy, wanted, and appreciated. Why? It's aligned with supporting the community I believe in supporting. That's important to me. Why? Underprivileged children have played a role in my life and I gain satisfaction by providing valuable support for them.

Second, when we look into those things, we can understand them better as part of the process. Feelings are an important in that process. Therefore, I naturally asked you for three different ways you feel with the three questions I just posted you.

For example, I think of the impact on specific students (I got letters from some). I think of their dreams. I think of what things I taught them will have a role in helping them to achieve that. One of my favourites (yes obviously they didn't know who wasn't a favourite) wanted to be a doctor. I taught math and physics. Both of these will contribute to her relevant high school exams. Even if I'm a small contributor compared to her form teachers, that's okay with me.

Third, understanding leads to relief and its associated thought processes.

For example, it relieves me that I have other things going on in my life. It relieves me when I know my efforts are successful and beneficial to people I care about. I matter to people that matter to me.

If my heart isn't doing well, I can consider situations that I know make me happy. In this case, contribution (benefit of being specific with emotions).

Fourth, we tend to do things without knowing what's useful about them. We can unlock those and get creative with getting our wants filled.

In your example: feeling connected to people, being a father figure, being a brother figure, being an adult figure. All these seem to be part of that for you. This seems to be part of a picture of healthy living for you.

Specific feelings can help show more effective action. We get rewarded for what we put in.

From there, while the volunteering path may not be available right now, it makes sense to put yourself in similar environments as that seems to be both what is safe and helpful to you.

For me, I like being appreciated when I teach. It makes me happy. I can go do that. I know munchkins are hard sometimes--putting in isn't always fun or easy. I put in: I can go visit my relatives that are below 16. I can help them with things. I've put in: I know for me I work well with young adults. I put in: I can go be in a teaching environment for 16-25 year olds.  You owe it to yourself, so put in. Lousy day at work? No problem, I think of my students to get out of bed. Teachers on strike? Have a shower. Create. Explore. I can do better. I can teach privately. Put in. Do I need this for me today? No problem, I can help people in the process. Put in.

Does that answer your question? :)

so sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I am struggling to maintain NC. It is driving me crazy... .the pain, the resentment... .I am not sure how to make this end.

I am swamped with so many things to do (work, baby... ) but all I can do is think of what is the right thing to do.

This is hard for sure. I hope you are able to deal with the pain separation brings and are able to make decisions that help you heal too.

Sending a lot of positive thoughts your way!

gotbushels: Thanks. That makes a lot of sense now. I'm really torn when it comes to my memories of my volunteer work. Because I only did it a year before I met my ex. We became fast friends and did a lot together in the art room. So most of my memories have her in it. So my escape has become my poison.

I have been talking to the Director of the place I volunteer at. They have another location in the next city. The Director told me if I wanted to volunteer their, they would be more then happy to have me. And the Director said she'd give me a great reference.

Hopeful: It really is very painful. I struggle every day. She never replied to my email, so she did listen to my request. But when I did see her in person she never said anything to me. We did make eye contact a few times and she looked... .she looked terrible. It looked like she hasn't been sleeping, been under a ton of stress. She looked like the past month has not been kind to her. But when I told the kids in the art room that it was my last day, my ex gave me a very confused and shocked look.

I've been talking to some of the ladies I work with. They told me it sounds like she might have realized she made a mistake. The whole "you don't know what you had till its gone" thing. Which scares me because I don't know if I'd be able to say no to her if she comes back.

Hope the volunteer work you love doing is something you can continue doing. I wish it all works out. I know we will all get through the sorrows of broken relationship even though it seems like that is impossible right now. I am trying hard to keep my eyes on the silver lining. I had really made myself very vulnerable in this relationship. I am trying to convince myself that it is supposed to be this hard and it will get better.

gundam94 no worries.

Your thoughts will naturally gravitate toward your ex if she occupied a certain X hours in your day. It's normal to be constantly at war with yourself, especially with your story.  :)  I had an ex that was involved in areas of my life, like your volunteering. It helped me to quarantine all that away when I did my NC there. It felt good and right. It felt easier too.

What else do you have in your life that is important to you besides volunteering?

If you guys got back together, you'd both be starting from positions of weakness. Not healthy. If she wasn't BP it's also not good for mutual respect. Feeling sorry for our exes and thinking of taking them back is normal.

What were the key reasons why you decided to go NC with her? Did you write it down? I wrote mine down and it helped me a lot.

That's kinda the sad thing... .the most important things in my life (besides like family) was my volunteer work and the 3 kids that ended up becoming like little sisters to me. Later when I met my ex , she went to the top of that list.

The reasons why I went NC? Well the fact that I wouldn't be able to get over her and move on if I stayed her "best friend" as she puts it. Also she broke my heart. Why would I want to stay in her life? Also because I read one of the best ways to get an ex back is to go NC.

Later after I found out the truth about everything, it was because she lied to me, cheated on me and hurt me.

The biggest problem I have right now is hope. I still hope in the future she will come back to me. I want that hope to die.

Sounds like the beginnings of three strikes.

What do you mean?

I've been crying a lot today. Today is one of those days where I can't stop thinking about her.

Three strikes is a way of counting her negatives that are meaningful to you. Some people use that to keep track.

I think you probably know this is not the intent of NC ... .right?


Cheating and lying are serious breaches of trust, not to mention major boundary busting.  The chances of ever coming back from this are slim at best.  Even if she were to come back you would need to find a way to get over this and many people find they cannot, even with best intentions and efforts. 

If she were to come back do you honestly feel you could truly put this behind you and trust her completely again?

You are correct. I do know that. That was in the very beginning when I still believed everything she told me.

I want to say yes but I honestly don't know C.Stein. I do believe everybody deserves a second chance. I know people make mistakes they wish they could take back. I know it would take a lot of work, but sometimes when two people are best for each other they have to face greater obstacles in order to be with each other.

I have always been a forgiving person. Im.not going to let her change that. I'm not saying I'm going after her. No, I'm going to attempt to move on with my life.

I also am one who believes in second (third, fourth, fifth ... .) chances.  That is my Achilles heal.  That said there comes a point where the boundary has been crossed one too many times and/or a no second chance boundary has been violated.  Each time a boundary is crossed (doesn't matter who's) it impacts the health of the relationship.  If this is not addressed the relationship will crumble and fail.

If you find yourself faced with a recycle please be honest with yourself before you make any decisions.  If you cannot find a way to completely trust her again then moving on is probably the best thing for both of you.

No worries C.Stein. If that ever happens I will think long and hard before I make any decision.

On a happier note, I am volunteering at a different location on Friday. Same organization just a different city. I'm really excited about meeting the new kids and the challenge in earning their trust. It's like I have a purpose again

I need everybody's help with something. I've been trying to figure out what I did wrong in the relationship. Because after all it takes 2 in a relationship and I know I hold some responsibility for it ending. I've thought a lot about this. I know I took her for granted at times, I know I got upset when I shouldn't of, I know I wasn't always as supportive as I should've been or she needed me to be. I know there were times I was demanding. But other than that I'm at a loss. Because honestly I tried the best I could. I know I made mistakes and I tried my best to learn from them. But the sum of my mistakes doesn't come anywhere close to her wild claims of me mistreating her. I know most of those claims are false and she doesn't believe them, but those ideas had to come from somewhere.

I ask because well for one I don't want to repeat the same mistakes. And second because I don't want to be "that guy" who blames his crazy ex for everything wrong in the relationship.

Gundam94, I've got to ask you this: should you even wonder what you did 'wrong' for it to end or the way it ended, or should you look at what you did 'wrong' that it even ever started?

I mean, I know I wasn't clear enough (in hindsight) what my boundaries were, but if I would have been clearer earlier on would that have made the relationship better or made it last? No, it would have blown up sooner. Therefore I should have done it of course  *)  would have saved me a lot of heartache.

I shouldn't have tried to get him out of sticky situations he got himself into and should have let him take responsability for his own actions & life. Once I stopped being an enabler, things started to go south. But what I did wrong wasn't that I stopped enabling him, what I did wrong was that I started doing it in the first place.

To me it sounds like you're wondering what you could have done to make the relationship work, and the answer is: nothing.

Not being demanding etc, yes, you might have triggered her anxiety less, so the relationship might have lasted longer, BUT it would not have been forever and it certainly wouldn't have been healthy if you had never asked for anything just to keep the peace or to keep her happy.

Does this help any?

That makes a lot of sense. I suppose part of me is wondering what I could've done differently to keep it going.

And now that I think about it, if she had cared about my needs and feelings, I wouldn't of been as demanding. But I still feel like I'm not taking enough responsibility.

I don't know what I'm searching for. I might be trying to learn everything I can so I never have to go through this again... .but I really don't know.

It feels like I'm missing something critical to this puzzle. It feel like it's right in front of me and I can't see it.

I think it is important to look why a relationship starts, and why NONs let it continue so we can prevent ending up in another abusive relationship. I think that is taking responsability for your part.

What role did you play when the relationship started or when the issues first popped up? Did you want to save her, protect her?

What attracted you to her? Vulnerability? Intelligence? Humour?

What are dealbreakers in a relationship for you? Lying? Cheating? Hitting?

Did you walk away when the first dealbreaker came along? If not, why not?

What did you accept from her that you shouldn't have because it went over your boundaries? Can people push your boundaries so you put the boundaries further than you feel comfortable with? Or just your ex?

Was this your only abusive relationship?

What was it that made you attractive for her? Did you grow up in an abusive home?

I think these are some of the questions you need to look at. Have a look at the lessons and the other reading material from bpdfamily. I will in the next few days  *)  I need more info so I can dive deeper into why I end up in abusive relationships.

Yes! BP's link up all their relationships like they're sowing something together. I'm sure you can think of where this causes problems for them when it comes to assessment time. Yes its painful but the growth? Sheesh.

Also, good questions!

Hmmm... .I think the highlighted bit might have come across differently than I intended it...

I didn't mean "NONs of the world unite so there will never be someone for a pwBPD to have a relationship with"  *)

I meant we need to look at why we NONs let the relationship continue after it becomes abusive/the pwBPD crosses our boundaries.

We're all fallible gundam and nobody's perfect. 

One month nc isn't long (although it may seem like eternity) and it's understandable to long to repair the relationship.

It's hard not to slip back and start wondering "what if... .", but as the month by month of nc pass, your perspective will shift, little by little, helping you gain clearer retrospective understanding of what you experienced.

BPD is a serious mental illness and however much we try to accommodate it, make changes in ourselves to do so, we cannot cure it. To try to do so is to reinforce the damage already done to us, although it's tempting when our emotions are invested in the that person.

So take care of yourself, enjoy your new volunteering post, look after your hand and your happiness - who knows who you'll meet in the new location? Forward... .:) :)

This is a very powerful questions gundam94. May you enter it with the right heart (don't do it 'for her' and get many helpful answers.


HAHAHAHA thanks WoundedBibi. Laughing at my computer.

I thought you meant this:

|---BPD relationship--|----Abusive phase----| Breakup |------Life afterward-- :)----|

But you meant this:

|---BPD relationship--|----Abusive phase- :)---| Breakup |------Life afterward------|

From your sentence my thinking was: (1) focus on the 'self's role in allowing it to start' and (2) 'the self's traits that allow future abusive relationships to continue / allow it to enter into new ones'.

Yes, I agree. Your intended questions is possibly even more of an important question. Things are tougher when you're trapped in abuse.

In either case it would be helpful to gundam94.

-What role did you play when the relationship started or when the issues first popped up?

   When we first met we became fast friends. She is younger than me so in the beginning I was like a mentor/big brother to her.

-Did you want to save her, protect her?

  I wanted to help her. I want to help everyone. It's who I am.

-What attracted you to her? Vulnerability? Intelligence? Humour?

  Honestly, it was everything about her. She was smart, funny, beautiful, nerdy, compassionate... .I could go on forever. She was absolutely perfect.

-What are dealbreakers in a relationship for you? Lying? Cheating? Hitting?

  I would say the normals. Cheating, hitting, extreme lying (everybody lies).

-Did you walk away when the first dealbreaker came along? If not, why not?

  They were never really crossed. Nothing really brought me close to breaking it off with her. I couldn't imagine life without her. I didn't know they had been crossed until after she ended the relationship. I never had any reason not to trust her. She seemed like she was always truthful with me. Looking back... .I rarely questioned the validity of anything she said. I'm not saying I always agreed... .but I never accused her of lying.

-What did you accept from her that you shouldn't have because it went over your boundaries?

  I suppose it was her lack of making time for us and making me do all the planning. Since she was still in college I tried to be as understanding as I could be. I just felt like I was being forgotten. It felt like she would only make time to see me if she had nothing else going on.

-Can people push your boundaries so you put the boundaries further than you feel comfortable with? Or just your ex?

That's difficult to answer. I do stand up for myself. As for my ex... .I loved her so much I was willing to make any sacrifice in order to have her in my life. She was the most important thing in my life. I've always been a very forgiving person. It takes something extreme for me to cut someone completely out of my life. I've always thought "I'd want people to forgive me for my mistakes. I should do the same. Nobody is perfect." Pretty much if you admit you were wrong, apologize and show me you actually learned from what you did... .there's a high probability I will forgive you. Life's also to short to stay mad at people... .the meaning of that became much more powerful to me lately.

-Was this your only abusive relationship?

Romantic? Yes.

-What was it that made you attractive for her?

I'm not really sure anymore. She told me the same reasons why I fell for her. We were so perfect for each other, it was scary.

-Did you grow up in an abusive home?

Yes. My parents divorced when I was around 7. My mother had primary custody of me and my brother. She's a high functioning alcoholic. She's loving and caring but also sexist, emotionally abusive and verbally abusive.

gotbushels, I suppose I meant both  *)

(Made someone laugh today, mission accomplished  :))

If I know why I was attractive for him, why I entered the relationship after having seen red flags, why I ignored those  red-flag  , why I enabled him, why I let him cross my boundaries, why I put up with his crap, then I can start working on changing me, my needs etc so I can prevent myself from getting into another abusive relationship.

I understand a lot of the why's already, the changing bit and how to go about it, that I find more difficult. I mean, I can look at myself in the mirror every day and say "I'm wonderful, I love me" 10 X but does that really work? Will it make me love and respect myself more so I'm not willing to jump through hoops anymore because a guy says "I'm the one for you"?

so, like a father figure. And advisor. That says a lot IMO. "Come, let me help you"...


Goes for me too... Help and save are easily confused though. Help her with what? Life? "Your life is hard... let me make it easier for you... " That's saving I think.




Correction, if I may, her MASK was perfect. There must have been something about her that made you want to play this big brother part. For me, I know I saw how vulnerable my ex was. His stories (... ) implied his life was made more difficult by others. I know how it feels to be vulnerable, and misunderstood and helpless against the big bad world and it's inhabitants. I wanted to protect him, help him, save him from the baddies


no  red-flag  ever? Or did you ignore them?


and obviously you felt right; if she cheated on you, you were forgotten, you were playing second fiddle. Your intuition was right...


I think all NONs are forgiving. Too forgiving. You were willing to sacrifice anything... That includes you. I think earlier you wrote staying alone for the rest of your life is your biggest fear (mine too). So basically we are saying: "I'm willing to put up with anything. Just don't leave me. That's all I ask. Other than that you can trample on my soul at your heart's content"


Correction, if I may, you SEEMED perfect for each other. And what made you attractive for her is answered below. Wounded soul sees wounded soul, and both think "you! You are like me! Wow... this is amazing... YOU are amazing... "


Not sure if the font will work out, small screen, fingers seem to big, first time I tried the quote thingy, so I hope you can find my answers/remarks/suggestions in between yours.

I believe it is important to examine why you got involved with her, why you allowed the relationship to continue when it clearly should have ended and how your own behavior and actions contributed to the relationship dynamic.  Look at both positive and negative aspects here, there are lessons to be learned from both.  

As with every experience in life there is a lesson to be learned.  People who don't learn the lessons continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.

gundam94 good job on the questions. I felt like how you did on some of those answers.

WoundedBibi's feedback is great. Please read it carefully.

Remember that you can apply the  "keep seeing shades of gray" to your own thinking.

You identified two core things in a non's attraction to BPs. They have big roles in the way nons move toward BPs.

1. Control / Saving.

2. "Absolutely perfect" impressions.

Good job!


What does "never really crossed" mean?

I've given it a lot of thought and yes I did want to save her. I remember her telling me how her father would treat her. From what she told me he sounded very emotionally and verbally abusive. He also sounded very sexist and very “you'll never amount to anything”. Her mother just didn't care about her. When I met her she thought that's how all parents treated there kids. That didn't sit well with me, so I tried to save her. She told me I was the only person to ever believe her when it came to how her father treated her. I can't tell you how powerful that was to hear.

I've also thought a lot about red flags and the only time I can think of there being any red flags was during the last few months of my relationship. Even then it was the classic red flags of her cheating. I did notice them and was concerned. When I voiced my concerns, she told me that it was because she was depressed. I had no reason not to trust her, so I did. As for the rest of the relationship, I knew going in tgat it wasn't going to be a normal relationship. She still lives with her father, since I was older and didn't belong to her church we had to keep it secret from him. I should point out that I have never met her father (or any of her family) so I only have what she's told me. Most of which now I call into question. She was also extremely busy with work, school, school activities, she liked to be in plays, be in musicals and she also volunteered a lot. I didn't want to take her away from the things she loved doing and there was the promise of when she graduated she would move in with me. I decided I could take somewhat of a back seat for 4 years. But she kept pushing me further and further back. To the point where I felt like I was forgotten. I felt like I was her boyfriend only when it was convenient for her. She kept telling me that wasn't true but looking back her actions spoke louder than her words.

As for how the relationship started... .it kind of just happened. It felt so right it was almost scary.

I saw my psychiatrist on Friday. I updated her on everything. She was glad I'm going to be ok when it comes to my fingers (they are doing much better). She warned me about thinking “I'm going to be alone forever” or “I'll never love somebody like tgat again”. She said those are self-fulfilling and very dangerous. She also gave me a warning (she was the first person to say BPD as to why my ex did what she did), my psychiatrist said “I'm almost positive she has BPD. With that said you need to prepare yourself because she will come back into your life at some point.” My psychiatrist went on further telling me that I'd need to make the decision of whether or not I'd want that constant up and down in my life. I'm still not sure what I want.

I volunteered at the new location on Friday. I knew it was going to be different but it was still hard. None of the kids really talked to me. I know it'll take time for them to warm up to me but it still hurts. I felt so out of place. Like this is not my home, these are not my kids. I cried on the drive home.

I also found out over the weekend just how many people have never liked my ex at the place we volunteered together at. Almost the entire staff there don't like her. Which surprised me, mainly because how blind I was to just how horrible she really is. I also found out that my ex was up for an award for her volunteer work. But she didn't even make it out of the first round. Now that I think about it, I do remember her talking about it. She was confident she was going to win. The award is basically for good people, who do good things. So she doesn't deserve it at all. It may not be right to be pleased at the misfortune of others... .but since my ex left me her life has progressively gotten worse, almost on a weekly basis. Almost as if the universe is punishing her. Which she deserves.

On the other hand, mine continues to improve. It's been very easy to loose sight of that and I have several times.

Hey gundam

Good post.

Saving people can be a big deal for people in the growth process after a relationship. Good development.

If you're thinking about how your lines were "never really crossed", take comfort from knowing it's harder to see things when they are obscured, for example, lies. Recall your role in a healthy relationship.

Good job getting your P's professional opinion. "I'm still not sure what I want." I encourage you to think about this. Now you have an advantage because you have time to think for yourself without the other person's interference. If she comes to you and you're not ready, do you believe you have a right to ask for space no matter what she tells you?

With your new volunteer location, keep looking for ways you can contribute to them within your 'job scope'. Remember that they aren't going to automatically like you just because you're a volunteer. It will help you to lower your expectations slightly. Focus on the kids, focus on relaxing and enjoying yourself. If it happens it happens, if not, you spent time trying to volunteer. The time spent trying is itself a reward anyway.

Good development.

Thanks gotbushels. When it comes to my new volunteer post, I know it's going to take a lot of work and time to earn the kids trust again. I don't know why I expected the kids to act differently, I just did. I guess I had forgotten what it was like when I first started volunteering all those years ago. I'm going to keep at it.

As for what I'll do if she comes back? I don't know. Some days I'm confident I'd say no. Others I know I'd take her back in a heart beat. All I can say is "I don't know".

My psychiatrist and a few of my female friends have told me this: She will always remember me. I was her first boyfriend, I was her first kiss, I was her first sexual partner. Because of that I will always have a place in her heart (be it good or bad). Every guy (or woman, she said she was bi) that comes after me will be compared to me. I dont want to sound arrogant, but I treated her like a princess, she was my everything. She's going to have an extremely difficult time finding someone else who will treat her as well as I did, I set the bar incredibly high. That's ignoring the fact I put up with her, let's call it neglectfullness, a lot longer than most guys would. It's not just that, my honesty, my loyalty, my realness and my love is very rare. I doubt she'll be able to find that again. And because of that I will always have a form of power over her. Even after I have long forgotten her, she will remember me.

Gundam that's a good way to look at your volunteering. Do keep at it.

Don't worry, its common to have those times when we think we would take them back. It flicks in my head for a moment as I comprehend one good memory. Then I feel the weight of the rest and it snuffs it out. It gets easier.

We are better at seeing gray than our BPD counterparts. Keep using that to your advantage, stay mindful about your thoughts and work at being prepared.

That's the spirit man. Continue to take heart. Things won't always feel good but use this as a good example on how to handle the ups and downs after the break. I'm not saying you'll deal with more breaks or find a good match in your next relationship, but know that many people find BPs their hardest relationship.

I'm really trying. It's very difficult. I've been crying a lot today. I really miss her today. I hate this up and down crap... .

 

Thank you so very much. I am really struggling today. I try to be a good person. I try to do good things. I treat others the way I'd like to be treated... .and I won't lie, I thought it all paid off (not that I'm doing it expecting some kind of reward) when I met her. I thought I had finally found the one for me. I was very very wrong.

I thought exactly the same things.

This was "the One".

Someone who understood me. And to an extent he does. And to an extent I understand him.

But I'm not willing (anymore) to be abused so he can release his primal fear and occasionally get a lovely moment with him.

But I miss some things. The way he used to look at me in the beginning. The feeling of being loved. Of having this deep connection. His kisses.

But intense does not equal intimate.

In some respects I might be 'too' good, a bit gullible, because I don't expect people to do bad things. And although I do want to protect myself from finding another BPD guy on my path at the same time I don't want to change so much I expect people to do bad things all the time.

I'm right there with you today, gundam. I'm busy at the moment and can't look back at your story, but how did things end with her? What brought on the NC?

I thought mine was perfect too, but it turned out that she was hiding A LOT. And the feelings/aspects of her personality that she hid weren't even deal breakers for me, so it seemed like such a waste.

Hang on in  there gundum, we're rooting for you. 

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