BPDFamily.com

I am writing this to clarify to myself and to share with you what made me leave.

This is my first leave of the relationship. In the past it has been him "leaving" after splitting episode, just for him or me to return together in few days. He would mostly kick me out of the living space while in Mexico, when traveling in the Subcontinent he would leave and come back and life to "normal".

You may ask why did I let this happen for 14 years?

When not splitting we didn't have fights, disagreements, conflicts, so the splitting would come out of nowhere. Thanks to identifying BPD and to this forum, I learned to recognize it most of the time, yet not enough. Eventually he would explode. And the explosions were so abusive, that after them I could not even think of what happened, but catching my breath and recovering from it. I felt as if I had been hit by a truck.

On the other hand I have some notion, illusion don't know how to call it, that all humans are good, if not then misguided. So the therapy, Zen and psychedelics can do miracles. And actually all of them did, he became a new person in many many ways. BUT the splitting seemed to stay with us.


I want to digress for a second and talk about his healing process, meditation and Zen, actually increased it, and he was mean and evil even more for some time. He used to be very quiet an passive, yet he was full of frustrations, tensions, so bringing awareness to all this darkness actually made him be himself - evil.

In all that process I completely put myself on hold, for 14 years. By no means I had codependency, not how is described on the web or here, I understood it in a book Woman who love too much. It blew me away.

The codependency was multiplied by my health condition, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which alters with Fibromyalgia. I became disabled before meeting him.  I could not handle the loss of my job, friends, family and the City, I made home of NYC.  So I was in total desperation, pain, feeling I should die since I am only wasting oxygen and food, and not bringing anything to the environment I am in.  Thus meeting him, made me have purpose, which from the begging was, therapy, zen, trips to India, and psychedelic therapy.  Seeing the progress I thought things are going the right way.  I was doing all that along with him.

BUT, I started to feel better ( take this lightly, it is only within the limits I can expect considering my diagnosis). I found accidentally Kambo treatment, that I am using in nontraditional way, and that keeps me out of the bed. THIS gave me strength to ask more for myself, the psychedelic therapy helped me a lot, I think fundamentally. 

What turned a light in my head were two books: - mentioned Women... ., and Allice Miller, it blew me away so strongly that I need immediate help, and started going to self help group, the only alternative I had.

I decided to understand what is respect for myself, how do I protect myself from the abuse, what I am missing to be happy and what is future for me.  In that process, I decided that the splitting is not acceptable, at least not the extreme version of it: I will not allow under any circumstances for him to threaten me with divorce, calling up police or immigration on me, I am not Mexican, or kicking me out in the middle of the night on the street.

And I gave him options,very simple one, to go to the support group and if in rage he could call a helper, and thus the extreme wouldn't happen.

He didn't take them, and told me dryly that if the relationship is not good for me, I can freely leave. AND  that his splitting have reasons and thus justified.  The same told me after my attempt of suicide: - in short he wanted to kick me out of the house when I was very sick and had a bad relapse of CFS/FM. I was in bed for days, and was not able to make it to the fridge, let alone pack and leave, so I thought this was it and took 40 of 2mg clonazepan). Some time after this, I asked him not to kick me out any more, and not to go to extremes, and he said: I have reasons I did it.

This was our last conversation, he was out of town, we spoke over the phone:

I told him I want him to go to the support group.

He said no, he wants to go to therapy.

I was OK, but it must be the day after he comes back.

(Sure I pressured him, and all must know the effect - splitting.)

he told me I am free to leave if not happy.

Since this was a conversation over the phone, I new it that this is my best and one of few scenarios to leave. Leaving in person would end in violence, so I LEFT.

Not new to me, but first I was hit with solitude, which left me with almost no friends.

In short I am so happy now, even though it is difficult, I am just counting under two weeks, but I feel better in many ways.

It is somehow that all the search for cure for him, actually cured me. I hope he continues his journey and finds peace, I know he will. NOW he is in support group for example.

So illness were enmeshed:

- my CFS/FM, my codependency (before to work, and after I felt ill - to a person), my depression, not clear one, but inability to come to terms with my disability.

- his BPD, depression, stuck mourning for the death of his partner... .

From the start go we were both sick, what I thought was depression ended up BPD, and my obvious illness where I lost the little self respect I had.  But after all even though of my codependency, I was always focused oh one or another healing technique, and not taking myself as a healer.

Paradoxically we both healed a lot and have new horizons, not as couple though, years of abuse are too much for me to face them, and with his physical presence -unthinkable.

I'm glad that the therapies you have been doing are helping. Though he may not have been the primary cause, the stress of your marriage exacerbated them overall, it sounds like...

You sound hopeful. What does the future look like to you?