BPDFamily.com

hi all,

so. my girlfriend has BPD, she was only recently diagnosed with this, and she seems to now dwell on it and uses it as an "excuse" for a lot of her behaviour and actions towards me and others. she used to be really affectionate and loving, and we had a great sexual relationship as well, in fact her openness about sex surprised even me at first. but lately, she's begun distancing herself from me, its a real struggle to get her to spend time with me, I'm scared of trying to hug her or show her affection in case she snaps at me, and she keeps saying I'm annoying her, when I try to talk to her. I'm really struggling to cope with her coldness towards me and I've often thought about just packing the relationship in, and walking away, something i have done before in the last six months of knowing her. she thinks im going to run back to an ex again, but I keep reassuring her I'm not going anywhere, I love her but I don't like feeling like she doesn't love me or want me around.

I need some advice and support, I'm new to this whole BPD thing and I really don't want to lose my girlfriend, I love her so much, and she says she knows this, but I would like a little bit of reciprocation. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Surtismatt,

Its really difficult when those lovely moments start turning into distancing, irritability, annoyance and push pull.  You said you love her and want to continue the relationship.

if so, the rules of engagement with her has to be mastered. Great material available in articles on these  boards.

One rule is that when she feels emotionally too close to you, her fear erupts that she is losing her independence/autonomy. She starts feeling smothered/suffocated.

The solution is to start distancing yourself with her in gentle fashion and and don't say loving things like "I love you." "I want you" etc.  Just NON-EMOTIONAL words and BACK OFF.  

When she calms down ,she might like to re-engage with you. In meantime, go to gym, go to beach, library, to movies with other friends and do whatever you like .Leave her alone to allow her to RESET her emotional state. Try not to expect any reciprocation for a few days. Good wishes.

thank you,

I keep telling her I love her, I am here for her etc, and it does seem to annoy her. I just wan to have that closeness back but your words seems to ring true. Its so painful that she pushes me away, but I do love her so much. Is there anything I can do to get her back on the path of being more loving?

Hello surteesmat,

What you describe happening in your relationship can be a very typical behaviour in pwBPD, this behaviour is referred to as push/pull dynamic, here is a link that talks about it from other members experiences, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

What will important be in staying and improving your relationship is understanding this  behaviour and other behaviours. By recognising behaviours in our SO's that are symptomatic of this illness can reduce conflict and confusion and increase the possibility of acceptance and tolerance. This might sound like a bit of a cliche, but for me reading and absorbing information on this illness really helped me understand what I was dealing with, and I realised I needed to reframe my expectations of what it meant to be I a relationship with someone with BPD.

How does this sound?

The lessons to your right here -------> are the place to start reading.

Learning about the disorder will certainly help you navigate difficult waters.  In my own relationship I saw the push-pull as well.  It seemed the closer I got to her the more "borderline" she became and with that came my own emotional pain.  Looking back I realize now I started distancing myself (subconsciously) and things stabilized somewhat.  I believe now I was walking the line between push-pull for a while but it was not what I wanted and probably not what she wanted either, but it kinda worked.

The reason I bring this up is because of your desire to have the closeness back.  The closeness I believe you are missing now is the idealization stage of a borderline relationship.  It is highly addictive but sadly not sustainable.  If you do continue on in this relationship you will have to accept that you may not experience this stage again, at least not for a prolonged period of time.   

Keeping a certain emotional distance from a borderline is almost a requirement for the "non" in order to maintain his/her own emotional well being.  I'm not trying to discourage you here from trying to make your relationship work, just giving you a heads up on some of the challenges you might be facing.