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Hello Group 

I've enclosed a link to a Youtube webinar conducted by Ross Rosenberg, the author of "The Human Magnet Syndrome" which explains the opposite attracks each other like magnets. It talks about codependent recovery process, our recovery is within us! WE have to take an active role in our own recovery and to succeed in future relationships!

I believe that we all know about the BPD and their Cluster B mental illness ... .we discuss quite in depth here ... .but what I believe lacks the attention is a discussion of US ... .us as the Codependent. 

So ... .here is the foundation you, us, we can build not only to help yourself learn and become a recovered codependent ... .but reinforce it in all of us. Knowledge is the key to success.

I hope that his helps everyone as needed.

Identifying the rot and the cause of the rot in a relationship is the first step in the process. It is important that the new you that is being built is built on the correct foundations. Undermining of these foundations by a toxic relationship is what  caused us to topple in the first place.

Acknowledging our part, and our codependency is a big focus on the staying boards. It is difficult as it can skirt on guilt , self doubt and a sense of being to blame, as we have often found a false sense of security in playing the victim.

Until you overcome disorientation you cannot choose a healthy direction

Codependency and Codependent Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)

I looked that book up at the library and its not available locally or in the greater area. Could you repost the link to the webinar? I've been recovering  from codependency since I was a teenager.

Unicorn & Group,

Sorry ... .I forgot to include the link ... .here you go unicorn!   I really do hope this is the start of your recovery from codependency ... .it's important to know that WE are responsible for our OWN recovery ... .WE have to take a PROACTIVE role in it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMPaKJfrZrA

J

Ty, what I meant to say is I've been recovering from codependency since I was a teenager, worked the 12 steps with a sponsor in coda and am always looking to learn more. I'll watch that tonight!

Unicorn,

If we don't learn from our past ... .we are surely condemned to repeat our past!   I would like to think codependency is like being a alcoholic ... .you have to work at it each and everyday ... .remember ... .we are responsible for our own recovery ... .I think that is one of the biggest lessons we have to remember

J

Ty for the link, I'm almost done with the webinar. I think everybody struggling in a relationship with a BPD should watch this.

Hi JQ, I read the Human Magnet Syndrome.  It was informative and I got quite a bit out of it.  On this path away from codependency, I have to check myself frequently.  Coming from not even understanding what a rs boundary was to having boundaries in place and sticking with them has been quite a rewarding journey. 

I have read and read and studied and prayed, mediated, exercised, changed my eating habits, strengthened my friendships and learned to appreciate my pwBPD in a new way. 

Everything seems to be going better and not in a flukey way, but because I have changed.  I have taken responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, actions instead of blaming my spouse and others. 

Still, I recently noticed that when things are going better, I can slide back into old habits.  So I have to stick with the path away from codependency that has brought me to this more peaceful point.

You are right, our focus should be on us and our recovery. 

Thanks for the post!

Thank you for the kind words.  Being a codependent is a "learned behavior" and we can relearn to treat ourselves better.  We learn to find value in ourselves rather than in other people success. I know like you that I've learned to change my behavior and have really noticed a difference in myself and a couple of my very closest friends have noticed it as well.  I don't blame others, I blame the childhood that I grew up in with a BPD step mother and the household that she created.  Like you I'm much happier and enjoying life.

We can all slide back into old habits, Ive used the term a "recovering codependent" much like a "recovering alcoholic".  Much like an alcoholic is always tempted for the next drink, a codependent is always tempted in creating "THAT" type of relationship and in both cases both the codependent & alcoholic must continue to be aware of themselves and the behavior that can lead down the slippery slope so that they can do things to prevent it.

I've challenge a couple of people within "our group" to get up early enough to see the sunrise. To really take it in, to appreciate it, appreciate the darkness of the night & then how it starts give way to the oranges, yellows, pinks and the blues to the morning sun.  I actually try to get up once every 1-2 weeks to enjoy the morning sun come up where I'm at. It's an amazing moment in time that most people take for granted and I feel so much better having enjoyed this one simple thing I do for myself.

I challenge you to do it. Get up 1/2 hour before the sunrise, and go to that spot somewhere near you that you KNOW the sunrise will be incredible.  Take a quick shower, throw on some sweats or shorts, fix a cup of tea, coffee, or hot chocolate and take it with you. find your spot and wait for it, watch it and enjoy this moment between you and nature on the dawn of a new day. It's truly an amazing thing to watch and it's a simple, FREE thing I can do for myself to enjoy life  a little bit more.

J

I get this as part of my new 'me' I have taken up kayak fishing. This usually entails getting up early, sometimes 4am, driving hour or more to the bay/ocean/river and launching at or before first light and watching the sun come up whilst enjoying the tranquility and view from the water.

This has opened up a whole new dimension for me, not just the time of day put seeing the world from a different perspective. I'm back home by late morning and i have had a full day already as my wife is dragging herself out of bed, so thats a day that can't be wasted no matter what happens from there. I do this maybe twice a week.

Its all part of a wholistic way of seeing the world differently. I see whole chunks of that can't be seen otherwise.

|iiii

Ahhh I NOW understand where the name Waverider comes from      The first time I challenged myself to this, I was stationed on the East coast and lived on the beach.  I had so many things going on in my life all at once I needed to start to get right with myself.  I made my coffee & put it in a mug & walked out to the beach. It was dark, the stars clear, the small waves rolling in.

I sat down then I watched the sky start to change slowly, the darkness giving way to yellow before the sun broke the horizon. Then light blues and the stars giving way slowly, drinking my coffee slowly, taking a deep breath, slowly letting it out.  Then more yellows, oranges, then the pinks start to fade in.  The blackness & stars are all but gone as the sun breaks the horizon over the ocean and you can actually watch it rise without hurting your eyes. YOU can actually see it move higher into the sky. With the waves doing a slow role in wave after wave until the sun is finally up and you see different types of sea birds flying up and down the coast line a few feet above the waves. You see the dorsal fins of a dolphin pod just 50 feet from shore.

I did this as often as I could before I retired, I had lived on or near the ocean for the last couple of decades with the military and I was finally taking time out for myself and NEVER appreciated anything like this before. It was an amazing moment for me and continues to be. Although I now live where there are mountains, I take the time to do the same here, it's a amazing although a different view of the sunrise I appreciate it even more. It makes all things right in the world if only for a little while. It is calming for my soul, my mind and I hope that others will learn of our experience WaveRider and take a little time out of their day to experience such a moment.   

Sounds awesome!  I accept that challenge.  I love being outdoors it's good for the soul.  Loved this thread thanks again.

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